


Equipoise

by spacecath



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Force Bond, Not Really Character Death, Politics, Pregnancy, Reylo - Freeform, Reylo Baby, Romance, Sex, Star Wars - Freeform, What if Rey said yes, What if they have to find the way to work it out, balancing each other, equipoise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-03-25 13:49:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 74,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13836075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacecath/pseuds/spacecath
Summary: What if Rey said yes and now she's wondering what she got herself into? Will Kylo Ren go back to being just Ben Solo for her? Will they be able to find a way to balance each other and build another Galactic Union? Will the new Supreme Leader manage to resist the call of power? And at what cost? Angsty and fluffy, but nevertheless, hoping to explore the serious subject of what it takes to build a relationship while ruling the Galaxy.





	1. Maybe everything is politics

  

“ _Please_ ,” he says, his troubled eyes imploring, his extended hand trembling. _That_ she could somehow deal with. What she finds unbearable is how his voice cracks even in that short word, a word that could be a stand-alone book, containing the history of Ben Solo’s lonely life. And how he swallows the rest of the words, as if afraid to let them float around him, his full mouth one long, tight line behind which those unsaid words jumble. Another _join me_ swallowed in fear of rejection.

She can’t say _yes_ , not yet, but doesn’t say _no_ either.

She makes a few steps - not towards him, but aside, - for he’s blocking her view of the mutilated Snoke’s body by the throne and his slaughtered guard all around it. They did it together, in unison, standing side by side or back to back, protecting each other. They can work together in the battle. But outside the battlefield there are minefields of politics and diplomacy, and right and wrong words and false pretenses. And lots of fake smiles, she has already had a glimpse of it all.

Her eyes dart toward the holo-projector with shiny, moving dots - all what’s left of the decimated Resistance she belongs to with all her heart. She should be there, with Poe and Finn and Ben’s own mother, Princess Leia. Not here with him. And yet, she’s here because she believed she could change him, mold the Force in him into something she can work with, and even though he didn’t exactly turn out to be clay in her hands, he made some difficult decisions because of her.

She presses her fingers on her temples. She knows she has to act fast, but she also knows she has to be careful what exactly she is saying _yes_ to.

She’s not sure she can put in words everything that’s been happening between them during those sessions where Force made them see each other; she can’t define it, she can’t vivisect her own feelings. But she knows it’s bigger than both of them.

She glances again towards the leftovers of Snoke’s body.

Maybe everything is _politics_ as they say. Maybe she should use the leverage she has at this particular moment and work from there, use her undeniable influence on the new Supreme leader of the First order. Not listen to her divided heart. Just use her brain to calculate the best possible outcome. She wouldn’t have survived all those scavenging years on Jakku alone if she weren’t capable of that.

  

His grandfather’s lightsaber is hanging limply in his hand - the same one he used to kill Snoke, the same one she threw to him to save his life, while her heart was beating somewhere in her throat as she watched him trapped in the powerful stranglehold of one of the stubborn guards. She summons it and it finds her palm with a snap. It feels like a natural extension of her arm. She feels almost naked without it now.

Ben doesn’t even flinch, but his eyes never leave hers. Maybe he does trust her, at least a little.

“If I stay, it has to be under my conditions,” she says, looking firmly at him.  
He cocks his head to the side, but doesn’t reply immediately. _He can play this game too,_ Rey thinks, feeling less sorry for him than just a second ago.

“Which are....?”

“You immediately stop this madness,” she points at the screen. She can swear that there are less dots than just a few seconds ago. Her heart is racing and the labor of breathing makes her sweat with the burden of the decision. 

“I want the Resistance pardoned. Each and every one of them. You will not follow in Snoke’s steps. We don’t need that kind of leadership. We need laws, just laws, and an assembly representing everyone in the Galaxy, and we need the warmongers prosecuted.”

Ben’s face is unreadable.

“The Republic proved itself to be corrupted and inefficient. It’s past, Rey. And that past died for a reason,” he says.

She’s running out of time, she can’t afford to lose precious minutes as the still existing First order army under the command of that sadistic General Hux exterminates her friends. And yet, she has to negotiate for if she just says _yes_.....

“If you want me to join you in ruling the Galaxy, then we have to devise a plan of how not to rule, how to develop the institutions for that purpose. Maybe the old Republic wasn’t good enough, maybe the New Republic isn’t powerful enough, but there has to be structure. There must never be another egomaniac out of control.”

“Anything else?” he asks in a hollow voice. He’s obviously not entirely pleased with her demands, but at least he didn’t say _no._ Rey feels encouraged.

“General Hux’s army needs to be downsized.”

  
To this he readily nods and her heart feels a few tons lighter.

“And I want to train the next generation of Jedi. We need them, need _us_. I want to find force sensitive children and point them in the right direction. The order must live on.”

Ben’s face is a stone mask. The word _us_ lingers in that room, between them, taking a life of its own. She suspects this demand to be the biggest in his eyes. So while she’s poking in his wounds, she decides to stick it all in.

“I’ll enlist Luke to help me run it.”

Ben closes his eyes. His gloved hand twitches and then curls in a tight fist.

“Remember, pardon for each and every one of the Resistance,” she adds. “Including him.”

She steals a glance towards the holo-projector and he follows her eyes.

“ _No_ ,” he says firmly.

“My demands are not negotiable,” she says, but her eyes nervously twitch towards the black screen. It’s blacker than ever. There are fewer dots there now, she can swear.

Ben’s steady gaze is focused on her.

“No,” he says once more. “There will be no more Jedi. Trained or untrained. That order is dead. I made a vow long time ago I would stop that madness. Do you think I’m called _Jedi killer_ for no reason?”

Rey swings her lightsaber and stops in right under Ben’s chin. She holds it there, looking firmly at his dark eyes.

“Then the deal is off! I’m going to be a Jedi, even if I turn out to be a second-rate one! I've tasted the Force and I won't always be this bad in commanding it!” she seethes, realizing this should’ve been her first demand. Her mind is frantic, open to him. She feels him rummaging through it, digging deep down, and she tries to remember how to deny him full access. She's afraid he'll discover that she is, at this very moment, reduced to a frightened little girl, scared she would soon be friendless.

_If only she had more time to negotiate, if only she were better at this game called politics!_

  
The ghostly light reflects off Ben’s darkened face making the scar on his cheek a deep furrow.

“You’re not as bad at it as you think,” he says wryly and lightly pushes her hand holding the saber away. She’s not sure if he’s responding to her words or her thoughts.

“And yet, you really have no time to negotiate details, Rey. You better say _yes_ to me if you still want to have any friends left at the end of this day,” he says smoothly.

_How much she despises him at this moment! And herself for walking into his trap. But there’s not much to be done now. She has to save what she can._

“I won’t give up on this,” she says warningly. “And last but not least: this between us, this is business only. _Politics_. Don’t get any ideas,” she adds defiantly.

 _We’ll see_ , echoes in her brain and for a brief moment she’s not sure if it’s him responding through their ever present Force connection or her imagination.

“While I deal with General Hux, you contact Resistance and tell them about the ceasefire. Let’s not exterminate each other while we’re trying to figure this out,” he says, rushing out of the throne room and down the corridor, towards the command bridge.

Rey gets in front of the screen, trying to get through to Poe. Seconds seem as long as years and while waiting to hear from him, fears and thoughts multiply in her head.

_What did she just get herself into?_

She agreed to stay with Ben partly to make sure there’s balance in Force, between dark and light, to make sure something finally changes in this eternal fight for power, partly for selfish reasons, to save her friends. But the truth is, there’s more to it, much more. There are reasons she doesn’t even dare think about let alone voice aloud. She doesn’t get to those hidden corners of her mind for Poe picks up the line and she finds herself retelling the events in the throne room and enthusiastically presenting her newly formed plan.


	2. I've always known you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time she really saw him, when he took off his mask for her in the interrogation room, it felt as if meeting someone she knew all her life, without even being aware of it. 
> 
> I know you, she wanted to say. I’ve always known you. 
> 
> But as so many things between them, that, too, was left unsaid.

  

The first resistance to the idea comes quite expectedly from the Resistance itself.

Poe is visibly disappointed in her. His huge, warm eyes are full of reproach he doesn’t voice. Finn, on the other hand, is loud and furious.

“You are so blind, Rey!” he screams at her. "He's using you and you don't even see it!"

They both refuse to comply and it takes lots of words and reasons to get them to even listen to her. She’s stoic while listening to both of them screaming at her; she’s patient while they’re listing all the reasons against her acceptance of Ben’s offer, but finally she gets them to see how this might work. Regardless of what they say, Rey is adamant in her decision. She’s always been like that. Once she would choose her way, there was no hesitation or looking back.

To appease them, she lets them see the throne room and Snoke’s corpse and even glimpse at dark silhouette of Ben hovering in the background, giving orders to the soldiers to dispose of the bodies.

“We can make it work. We can bring balance to the Galaxy once and for all. Just give us a chance. Promise me you will lay low and wait until you hear from me.”

Poe’s face is full of doubt, Finn’s is closed and glaring.

“I don’t want you there with him, all alone,” Finn seethes. Rey’s first thought is to address this as one his bouts of over-protectiveness, as she normally would, but that usually starts a discussion and she has no time for that discussion now.

She leans into the screen, shielding it from Ben pacing up and down behind her.

“You have nothing to fight this with. Lay low and give me a chance to work this out. As soon as we have your agreement, we’ll proceed to contact the others. No one will chase you while I’m here, think about it. There’s a big change coming, I can feel it. Just let it happen.”

Poe and Finn exchange glances and unwillingly nod.

“But I want to see you as soon as possible,” Finn adds.

In the background Leia’s eyes are two bright spots on her face. For a fleeting moment she looks as if she can’t believe her luck but then the face of her unforgiving son comes on screen behind Rey’s back and those eyes fill with doubt.

  
___________

 

“They’re in,” Rey says to Ben over her shoulder. _Sort of_ , she wants to add.

She is beyond exhausted, her lids suddenly heavy. Her body aches from Snoke’s torture, from the excruciating battle, the cut on her arm scorched with blood and itchy.

“Good,” he says. “Now Hux. I left him on the bridge with more questions than answers.”

He’s relentless and focused, and for a moment Rey wishes he could be a bit more ... _human_ is probably the word she is looking for. _Human_ as in softer, more compassionate, more aware she is not feeling entirely well.

Still she gets up and stands next to him to meet General Hux. This is probably the most important meeting of the day and it will determine how their plan to bring peace to the Galaxy will proceed, so it is entirely understandable Ben is anxious to get it over with.

 

To say that General Hux is a bundle of nerves would be an understatement. Ben made him stop the attack on the Resistance without explaining the reasons behind it. General Hux doesn’t comply easily, but Ben shows no wavering and Hux, as all frightened animals, reacts to the change in the balance of power.

He stands at the door and takes in everything in the room, and then winces on seeing Rey next to Ben.

“What is this supposed to mean?” he screams. “I demand an explanation!”

“We are changing the rules, Hux,” Ben says firmly. “I will act as Supreme Leader for the time being with Rey’s help until we figure out how to bring balance to the Galaxy. We need to start building. So far we’ve only been threatening and destroying. Enough is enough,” he adds quietly.

“You must be out of your mind!” Hux yells. “You want to build a Galaxy with her? With that rebel scum?”

Rey finds herself amused by the venom he spits in her direction. He is powerless and he knows it.

“There are no more rebel scum, or Resistance people,” she says brightly. “Just us citizens of the Galaxy. Isn’t that great?”

She can feel Ben snorting next to her, but her eyes are on Hux’ red face. He gasps for air and tries to find the words to express his anger at her and then his hand twitches towards his blaster.

Ben’s force-chokehold instantaneously puts him at ease.

“We need to downsize your army,” he say seriously. “Half of your men will be needed to rebuild destroyed planets.”

 

Ben releases him but stands in front of him still alert.

 

“But they’re warriors, not construction workers,” Hux spits, but doesn’t make a move, eyeing Ben with fear.

“I’m sure they’ll be just as good at rebuilding as they were at destroying,” Rey says, smiling at him, and he turns to go after one filthy, hateful look in her direction.

Ben eases on the spot when Hux exits and flips his hair out of his eyes. His face is dark with fatigue and exertion.

There’s _human_ for you, Rey thinks to herself, suddenly remembering what’s even prompted her to follow him here and trust him with her life. There’s that weird, disjointed twoness they share in their mutual attempt to fight loneliness that came from being different, from not belonging anywhere.

“You must be exhausted,” Ben says, reading her face. “Let me show you your _quarters_.”

My _quarters!_ Rey thinks, for it hasn’t even cross her mind that she would need a place for such mundane things like sleeping, or changing her clothes, or taking a shower.

He leads her down several long corridors and finally gets to a seemingly secluded part of the ship, guarded by two knights of Ren. When they enter through the sliding door, she finds herself standing in an oval corridor bordered with several doors.

“I’m here,” he gestures towards a door in front of them. “You’re next to me.” Her unease makes her glance at him quickly.

  
_He better not be planning anything she hasn’t agreed upon._

 

He must have felt her doubt, for he glances toward the guard, another knight of Ren at the far end of the corridor.

“I don’t trust Hux, so you need to stay close to me. My knights will be guarding us.” She just nods and follows him inside the compartment.

It’s grey and not very big. And it’s so cold, her teeth involuntarily chatter. In a way it reminds her of a tomb. She walks around, trying to picture this as her home for the next undefined period of time and fails.

However compared to what she had on Jakku, this is sheer luxury. There’s a bed, although narrowish, but with sheets and a few pillows, and even a desk with a lamp. And there’s a locker for her things, albeit she has none, for it never occurred to her to take anything with her but her lightsaber.

 _Anakin's_ lightsaber, _Ben's grandfather's_ lightsaber. Her head starts aching just thinking about that aspect.

She’s immediately drawn to the mirror above the desk. Her exhausted, bruised face staring back at her scares her.

“I didn’t know I looked this bad,” she murmurs.

“It’s been a long day,” Ben says neutrally. “The fresher is over there.”

He goes through the narrow door in the left corner and comes back quickly with an unidentified box. Rey sits on the bed, exhausted.

“Let me get that for you,” he says, looking closely at the cut on her upper arm, and immediately opening the box containing different bottles and bandages. He gets to attending to her wound without waiting for her consent, but she’s way too tired to protest. He doesn’t use the Force, but applies a salve manually, as if wanting to feel the texture of her skin underneath his fingers, to prod the edges of her wound. It burns so much, it would probably wake all her senses at once if she weren’t already electrified by his warm fingers and his proximity. Just the way he occupies space in her tiny compartment is imposing.

It all ends too soon and he’s already at the door as if he can’t wait to put some space between them.

“Thank you,” she says over her shoulder.  
“Sleep now. We have lots of things to do when you wake up,” he says.

A keen sense of being so alone in this whole uncertain schema, of being somehow cut from everyone she cared about and also from those she might care about a lot more in the future, washes over her and she looks after Ben almost willing him to come back and sit with her until she falls asleep. But Ben exits without looking back and she’s left alone with her heart equally full of hope and doubt.

___________________

And then again, she’s alone with her thoughts in that freezing compartment, alert, wide awake. Her mind drifts back to her lonely years on Jakku, filled with waiting and longing, as the time when she was all alone in the world and yet, never completely forsaken, never entirely abandoned. For something, someone was always there with her. She didn’t know at the time what it was and being so young, she didn’t even ask herself who or what that might have been. She just accepted it as it was. Sometimes she hoped it was her mother, the mother she never knew, watching somehow over her and she would cry herself to sleep trying to drown her sorrow in it.

And when the Force started rising in her, that presence took another shape.

Was it Ben all the time? Or was it just the way of the Force, making her recognize the energy they shared?

The first time she really saw him, when he took off his mask for her in the interrogation room, it felt as if meeting someone she knew all her life, without even being aware of it.

 _I know you_ , she wanted to say. _I’ve always known you_.

But as so many things between them, that, too, was left unsaid.


	3. Big bad wolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What's so funny?” she demands, annoyed more with herself and her own reaction than with him. She can’t afford to lose any more grounds to him. But it would be so sweet, so tempting to put her palm on his scarred cheek and laugh together with him.  
> Stick to politics!  
> “How the Resistance made me into a big bad wolf.”  
> “You have done that yourself!” she shouts and wonders if he even understands the fear he spreads through the Galaxy. “Because of all that, so many people doubt I’m really here of my own free will, regardless of what I tell them.”  
> “Hmmm,” he muses and puts his forefinger to his mouth. “Maybe we should get married, so nobody would doubt us,” he says offhandedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for stopping by and reading the first two chapters and especially for the encouraging comments.  
> I believe I would be able to update again very soon, for the story simply wants out and I have to obey ;)

Life has never felt safe enough to sleep long, but waking up without daylight is always disorienting, even though Rey lately started getting used to sleeping in space. Still she can never tell how long she’s slept and fatigue tends to stick around as a daily reminder she needs more rest. Or more regular sleeping hours. Or more regular life.

None of it is in sight if she’s to try the _impossible_ , that is to build the new Galactic Union with Ben Solo a.k.a. Kylo Ren, the new Supreme Leader of the First order - the menacing organization that is supposed to transform itself into something more benevolent. The plan of their undertaking is still so crude, she’s not sure how it’s going play out. They’ve never gotten to discussing the details and before they do, she needs to make sure he’ll stick to the new rules, she needs to assure herself they _really_ are on the same side.

But what Rey needs and what she can get have always been two very different things.

________________________

 

She thinks about all that as the events of the previous day come into focus.

The ship softly hums and there is no additional noise. It’s still cold, _really really_ cold and she wraps herself in the covers as she looks around her compartment. Her chamber is softly lit and bare, almost unbearably sterile. But she knows she has no time to deal with that now.

She gets up hastily to collect her clothes, eager to hear if anything significant has happened in the meantime.

She showers quickly, not having time to enjoy the prickly feeling of steaming hot water on her skin, but she emerges from there fully awake and alert.

Her clothes are hopelessly stale and scorched with sweat and blood, but will have to do until she finds something else.

On second thought….

The door to the locker is standing ajar and she peaks inside, only to find several items of clothes in her size there. She suspects Ben to have equipped it with just what she needs, but when? Certainly not before she even thought of staying here? Has he planned this even before she shipped herself to him across the Galaxy?

It’s almost impossible to get rid of the worm of doubt once it lodges inside the brain.

And yet, she’s determined to _try_ to trust him…

She inspects closely the door to her chambers. Was he here while she was sleeping? That would’ve been disturbing and yet, she sort of hopes he was the one who personally brought the clothes, and not one of his nameless employees.

She chuckles on seeing a floor length white gown, several tunics and leggings - that would be so Rey - but stops at a dark blue jumpsuit that feels just right.

Wearing it feels like a kind of _transition_.

_______________________

 

The corridor is empty apart from one knight of Ren guarding it, a youngish square-faced blond man. His uniform is similar to Ben’s, his posture is wary, his eyes unfriendly. He makes no move when she emerges from her room and says hello passing him by, so she continues towards the area where the corridor widens into a common space for adjacent compartments.

The view inside that spacious area takes her breath away. It’s high and softly lit and it contains both sitting area and what it appears to be a kitchen. Metallic surfaces are everywhere and yet nothing strikes her as harsh. Huge viewports offer starry view on all sides, but that is not what monopolizes her attention. Food on the counter looks so delicious, her saliva starts dribbling.

Hunger is old and familiar, like a worn glove.

She can’t remember when was the last time she has seen this much food. It’s intimidating in so many ways. This is all new to her and she must not lose her focus. She is not here to indulge herself with food, or Ben’s company she dared crave last night.

She hurries down the corridor, trying to remember the way to the throne room.

_______________________

 

As she expected, she finds Ben in the throne room that is suspiciously clean of all those bodies. There are screens and personnel working on them. They must have brought everything in while she was sleeping.

Ben nods in her direction, acknowledging her presence, but makes no attempt to talk to her. He’s bent over a technician’s shoulder, talking to Maz Kanata on the screen. Her shrewd eyes are half closed but underneath those eyelids his piercing gaze is directed at Ben.

“If the Core supports the Union we’re trying to establish,” he says and makes a movement with his hand inviting Rey to come closer, “we’ll have an initial advantage. But we need all the support we can get and you, with your influence that spreads through the Galaxy and reaches to the corners I can’t even begin to imagine, can help us gain the upper hand over any possible resistance.”

He doesn’t mention where that possible resistance might come from, but the sly pirate queen surely knows how fragile this idea is, not even a day old.

Reaching out to the outcasts and smugglers for help is so beneath the _old Ben_ , Rey considers pinching herself to make sure she’s not still sleeping.

_Why is he even talking to Maz Kanata? Shouldn’t he be persuading the more esteemed parts of the Galactic establishment into supporting their idea?_

But this is politics and Ben Solo is pushing his personal boundaries to achieve peace, she thinks, coming closer to stand next to him, and offer her smiling face to their new unlikely ally.

Maz Kanata, the ancient smuggler, looks as if she’s having the time of her life.

“Rey!” she says. “He said you were there, but couldn’t prove it. Last time I saw you two, on Takodana, you were not that good friends,” Maz chuckles.

“We’ve learned to co-opearate and overcome our mutual differences,” Ben replies in his best smooth politician voice.

“Nah, that’s not the vibe I’m getting from the Force,” Maz snorts.

Rey doesn’t dare look at Ben, but can feel him next to her as a taut bow ready to snap.

She leans into the screen and gives Maz her version of the events, but doesn’t dare ask anything about that vibe Maz is getting.

The ancient pirate just nods thoughtfully.

“Who would’ve thought you’d go that way? I felt the disturbance in the Force so I knew something must have happened. Okay, I like what you two are trying to do. It makes me feel…well, young,” she chuckles again.

“Anyway, I’ll think about it and let you know my price, but remember, I'm never cheap! And Rey,” she adds seriously, “always remember, the light will guide your way. Now, make sure you say hello for me to my _boyfriend_!”

Her laughter echoes in the throne room long after the connection is cut off.

______________________

 

“Why were you even talking to her?” she asks Ben when they both straighten up.

“Because if we get her to do some PR for us, our joint venture might not come as such a surprise for everybody else…as it was for her,” he says. “She’s the best connected _scoundrel_ in the Galaxy and we need those, too.”

On hearing the word _scoundrel_ , Rey involuntarily winces and looks at him warily.

The ghost of Han sweeps through the room.

Ben pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

His face is equally dark and exhausted, the pronounced circles underneath his eyes matching the color of his dirty clothes. The stains of blood are well hidden in the dark cloth.

“I made a list of the planetary systems and individuals we need to contact first,” he says.

 _The list_ he probably meticulously followed while she was sleeping.

“You haven’t slept at all?” she asks, feeling guilty.

Compared to him she must look lazy and irresponsible.

“I’ll get to that, eventually. I’m glad you like the clothes,” he adds, moving to another monitor and for a moment her heart flutters for it must have been him who took care of it after all.

________________________

 

Their plan to establish connection with leaders of the prominent planetary systems throughout the Galaxy and get them on board to form a new Galactic Union doesn’t turn out to be as fruitful as they hope. True, nobody says outright _no_ to it, and there are some of the minor systems that quickly hop on board, especially upon seeing Rey’s radiant face, but for the most they are treated as if they’re trying to sell them something fishy.

She watches a faint reflection of her face on the screen as she tries to sell the idea as a joint effort of the First order and the Resistance representing the _now-almost-non-existing-New-Republic_ that would finally bring peace to the Galaxy. Consequently there will be no more First order, no more Resistance and the New Republic would go through several major institutional changes in order to form the new Galactic Union, she repeats like a parrot.

It would be easier if she would believe in it without reserve. The lack of faith their plan is met with is spoiling her enthusiasm and fortifying her doubts.

However, none of it seeps into her chirping.

She could sell sand in the desert.

But what disturbs her is that there seems to be an undercurrent to the questions she’s expected to answer - not everyone believes she’s doing this of her own will and somehow she can’t even blame them, for her capture on Takodana resonated through the Galaxy.

So who would believe she’s here voluntarily?

Who would believe her heart skips a bit every time hers and Ben’s eyes meet?

________________________

 

They finally make a break after what feels like double digit of hours in front of the screen. Mostly they don't talk, but during rare breaks, while she waits to be connected to the person in charge, she can see flashes of herself in Ben’s mind, however guarded he is around her.

The way her neck looks in the soft light of the monitor, the sound of her voice, sweet and unrecognizable, echoing around his mind, bits and snippets of their conversation.

What he sees in her mind she doesn’t even dare imagine, trying to focus on practical and political thoughts about Ben.

If he’s seen anything else there, he doesn’t show. His face reveals nothing, he’s equally focused and determined as he was back then, when they fought together against Snoke’s guard. That already feels like it happened ages ago.

“When was the last time you’ve eaten?” Ben asks, stretching, his lids heavy and dark.

“Can’t remember,” Rey says truthfully.

He suggests they discuss their next step over a meal, but then he quickly excuses himself and goes to his quarters to take a shower and change clothes.

Rey stays back in the throne room behind him, but when she gets to their kitchen, he's already there, clean-shaven, with his wet hair flipped behind, looking more relaxed even if not more refreshed.

His clothes looks essentially the same, for his style is black on black upon black. This time a soft, buttonless shirt hugging his torso while his pants are loose, practical and allowing movement.

“Are you going to train afterwards?”

She can’t help being curious about his daily routine. After all, she is to share his life to some extent from now until…well, until who knows when, for she can’t even imagine how this story will end!

In any case that prospect is exciting.

“I always do. It helps me focus,” he says.

He sits down and puts something random on his plate, somehow more interested in her than in the food.

She on the other hand takes in the marvelous feast on the table in front of her, worried only if she would be too full too quickly,  before she manages to taste everything that has caught her eye.

Ben talks about the necessity of visiting  together as many system as they can to strengthen the relationships and get them on board for the Galactic Union, even if it would mean nauseating hyperspace jumps and tedious official dinners.

But it would also mean lots of one on one hours with him.

That much she likes.

What she doesn’t like is Ben’s idea that he remains Supreme Leader during the baby steps of the new Union just in case.

“How do I know you won’t misuse that power?” she asks, getting serious and abandoning her food.

“You’re here to keep me in check,” he says.

She loses her train of thought for a moment chasing the light in his eyes.

He clears his throat and she uses it as a wake up call.

“Ben, we’re here because the circumstances make us work together. It’s not like anyone can afford prolonged wars in different corners of the Galaxy. We need to build something new here. And that new system doesn't require one single all-powerful leader. The Galaxy was there before and it never ended well. I know you’d much rather solve all problems by cleaning the slate and starting all over again. But learning from the past mistakes is the essential part of this process. Only then will the Galaxy inhabitants be able to trust  the system we’re trying to build, and you personally.”

To her surprise his full mouth widen in a smile that seems genuine and transforms his face into something she hasn’t seen before.

He has never smiled at her before. He has probably never smiled in his life.

Rey’s heart is a bird fluttering hopelessly inside its cage.

“What's so funny?” she demands, annoyed more with herself and her own reaction than with him.

She can’t afford to lose any more grounds to him. But it would be so sweet, so tempting to put her palm on his scarred cheek and laugh together with him.

_Stick to politics!_

“How the Resistance made me into a big bad wolf.”

“You have done that yourself!” she shouts and wonders if he even understands the fear he spreads through the Galaxy. “Because of all that, so many people doubt I’m really here of my own free will, regardless of what I tell them.”

“Hmmm,” he muses and puts his forefinger to his mouth. “Maybe we should get married, so nobody would doubt us,” he says offhandedly.

Rey’s heart stops for a moment as if someone squeezed it and left her to die, empty and forsaken.

She can’t bear to look at him at this very moment, so she averts her eyes and looks towards one of the viewports.

The indifferent stars adorn the sky as black as Ben’s soul.

The way he casually inserts the idea of _marriage_ into their political plotting confirms her greatest fears: that she’s in danger of ending up like a pawn in a big game whose rules she still doesn’t understand, that she's really _nothing_ in his eyes, to be used until she outgrows that use.

_Was this his plan all along?_

She refuses to believe it for that would probably be the vilest, and the most painful thing he’s ever done to her, far exceeding knocking her unconscious and interrogating her, entering her mind without her consent or pushing her around like a ragged doll back then, when she still didn’t know how to use the force.

“You’ve got to be kidding, Ben Solo,” she retorts. “Whoever believes in fairy tales? A _prince_ marries a _scavenger_ and they live happily every after, that is as long as their marriage serves his political agenda. The first thought on everyone’s mind would be that you forced me into it. Don’t you think that would fuel the rumor you’re holding me a prisoner here?”

She can barely come to the end of her monologue keeping her voice steady, but she has to blink a few extra times and focus on the food in front of her.

“I didn’t think about that,” he admits. “It’s just… Marriage is also an alliance.”

Rey’s face is dark, and a peculiar bout of rage rises in her.

_Why did she ever think she had any kind of understanding with this cold-hearted, calculated brat?_

Or even worse, how come she’s here, all alone, on the brink of falling for a person who can play with her heart so cruelly?

He’s aware of the change in her and blinks a few times, frowning, and then searches for her gaze.

“I…. I feel like I’m groping in the dark here. I was trained for fighting, not diplomacy or political schemes. Leia would probably know what to do,” he adds wryly.

“Well, too bad you never looked up to her. Only to your grandfather. And rumor has it even he married for love, and not for _politics_ ,” Rey says seemingly neutrally, but very much aware how the light in his eyes changes to the darker shade of black.

 

 


	4. Helplessly jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The way that girl was talking to him. Like she knows him, like she shared history with him.
> 
> So this is how it feels to be helplessly jealous!
> 
> “Your girlfriend would probably much rather you killed me than Snoke, so I don’t trust her,” she spits out.
> 
>  
> 
> Ben looks at her darkly.
> 
>  
> 
> “She’s not my girlfriend, she’s my soldier. And regardless of how she feels about me or you, she will guard you with her life because that’s her job.”
> 
>  
> 
> “Funny, you of all people can’t even conceive treason,” Rey says.
> 
>  
> 
> She can feel the darkness in him rumbling, but won’t lay low.
> 
>  
> 
> “Don’t tell me her feelings don’t complicate your relationship?”
> 
>  
> 
> “Not more than Finn’s complicate yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, commenting, leaving kudos. I appreciate it all equally :) 
> 
> The story wants out and I have a very bad impulse control, meaning chapter four is up, chapter five is on the way.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading

The air between them remains frozen for the most of the day. It’s obvious he avoids her and she finds herself with so much time on her hands, she decides to explore the vastness of this ship, find out as much as she could about the practicalities on it, and make a detailed plan of future actions.

  
And _think_ , most of all _think._

  
And Rey thinks best while busy solving some practical problem, so that’s why she decides first to get dirty-handed dealing with the heating problem.

  
Locating the control panel in the smooth surface of the compartment walls takes her more time than she expected, but she stubbornly refuses to find one of the ship droids and have it solve the problem for her.

  
All this time her brain goes through the multitude of possible outcomes of this story.

  
She’s not sure staying here was the wisest thing she could have done, but she couldn’t _not_ try.  
And yet she still has no clue where do they go from here.

  
They are like two rough stones, incompatible, incessantly grinding against each other.

  
And she has an additional problem that she constantly has to keep herself in check when it comes to him.

  
Her fingers find something resembling a tiny button and the panel, she’s looking for, opens before here with a low hissing sound. She attacks the coils in it, hungry for a distraction. She has rummaged through enough ships of different design to be able to identify easily what different parts on the panel are for.  
And none of it seems to regulate the heating.

  
She closes the panel, goes out in the corridor and scans the wall of that part of the ship. The knight on duty is unmasked and is trying not to look at her, but his eyes dart towards her nevertheless. Not a speck of friendliness escapes into his gaze.

The panel in the corridor is not hidden, like the one in her compartment, but a large surface next to a door opposite to her compartment and she opens it and start fiddling with the buttons, when that door suddenly opens and Ben comes out.

He’s sweaty, disheveled, but somehow visibly lighter.

  
“What are you doing?” he asks, frowning.

  
“Either fixing the heating or blowing up the ship, I’ll tell you in a minute,” she retorts.

  
He leans over her shoulder and points at one of the buttons. He exudes a peculiar mix of irritation and curiosity, but the anger she felt from him back in the kitchen is definitely gone.

  
“The heating doesn’t need fixing. Are you cold?” he asks, the confusion seeping into his voice.

  
“Always,” Rey says truthfully. “I miss the sun.”

  
The longing creeps into her voice.

  
He looks at her, his eyes unreadable.

  
“Then you should’ve stayed on Jakku,” he says unkindly and leaves toward the command bridge.

  
________________

  
The heating problem solved, she goes to roam the ship, the sheer size of which she is still not able to comprehend.

However, the command bridge of Supremacy is the area where she probably won’t ever set her foot in, partly because her role in this enterprise lies elsewhere, partly because that might give General Hux a _heart-attack_.

  
Roaming the ship on her own gives her the opportunity to appraise it and its personnel.

  
She soon starts dividing them into three categories:those who ignore her, looking through her as if she’s air - most of the knights fall into this category, but also some of the officers in General Hux’ army; those who are curious about her and look at her with interest; and those who openly salute her, and that warms her heart, for the way she interprets this small sign of camaraderie is that they are all ultimately on the same side and that her actions make sense to them.

  
But nobody stops to talk to her and her longing for a normal human contact in the end leads her back to the throne room and makes her call Finn.

  
“How are you really?” his warm, brown eyes search her face.The base behind him is buzzing with life and she misses every bit of that buzz while sitting in this crimson tomb of a room.

  
The invisible fingers of grief are closing around her throat.

  
_Lonely beyond belief,_ she wants to say, but swallows those words.

  
“I’m coping,” she says instead.

  
“Is he….nice to you,” Finn asks, his voice slightly edgy.

  
_Define nice,_ she thinks darkly.

  
“He’s _decent_ ,” she says curtly.

  
She doesn’t want to talk to Finn about Ben. And _vice versa_.

  
“Poe and I want to come and visit soon.”

  
“I’ll talk to Ben,” she says and Finn squints at her.

  
“Do you need his permission?” he asks belligerently.

  
“I need to coordinate with him. I’m not alone in this and we’re still trying to come up with a plan of visiting as many planetary system as we possibly can to ensure their support.”

  
“Send me your coordinates, and we’ll find you wherever you are,” he says firmly.

Rey has an inexplicable desire to touch him and she puts her fingers on the screen and smiles.

  
Ben slides in the throne room the next moment and she hurriedly wraps their conversation up, as if caught doing something inappropriate.

  
“Briefing in fifteen. You need to be there. You are a part of this,” he says stiffly.

  
_And you need to act accordingly_ , she mentally finishes his sentence.

  
He avoids her eyes and she knows she’s not forgiven.

  
_Well, neither is he_ , Rey thinks, but then stops in the middle of that thought.

This will get them nowhere.

  
“So how’s your day so far? Had a productive meeting with General Hux?” she asks.

  
Ben’s head snaps towards her, and he squints at her as if trying to figure out what lies behind that question.

  
“Why are you suddenly interested in General Hux?” he asks.

  
“Why is that so odd? Maybe I should make more friends around here,” she says, but can't prevent herself from chuckling.

Ben eases a bit.

  
“Well, good luck with that!” he says, but looks curiously at her.

  
His face is devoid of its regular frown and she allows herself to enjoy the view for a moment.

  
_I want this truce_ , she thinks, her mood much better after talking to Finn.

  
“I was thinking maybe _we_ should invite him for dinner,” Rey says.

  
Ben looks at her wide-eyed.

  
“Invite General Hux! I don’t eat with people I tried to choke.”

  
“We had a meal together and I scarred your face,” Rey points out.

  
“That’s…. _different_.” he says barely audibly.

  
“I’m just trying to point out that if you can be forgiving, anybody can.”

  
That makes him laugh out loud.

  
“Rey, oh Rey,” he says, shaking his head.

  
“Speaking of having dinner with the people you tried to choke: Poe and Finn are coming one of these days, too, and I’d like us all to sit down and have a meal together like civilized people.”

  
“They’re coming to check on you, not to have dinner with me,” he says wryly, every trace of smile disappearing instantly from his face .

  
“With _us_ ”, she corrects him. “ _You are a part of this_.”

  
She gives him her brightest smile and he just grunts, so she continues:  
“I believe it’s called diplomacy. We’re trying to build something here and you and I have to keep the center, be moderate and diplomatic and just.”

  
For a moment she can’t imagine him being _moderate_ in anything.

  
Before Ben replies, the said General enters the throne room with his officers. His icy eyes are on Rey at first and then they dart to Ben as if he’s trying to assess the mood and adjust his words accordingly.

  
“One of our convoys have disappeared in the outer rim. I suggest full investigation and the mandate to act accordingly,” he says stiffly.

  
Rey looks at Ben, whose face is calm and focused.

  
“Any suspects?”

  
“The usual,” General Hux replies. “It’s a wasp nest of scoundrels, pirates and the _rebel scum_.”

  
He looks pointedly at Rey.

  
“ _Former rebel scum_ ,” she says and Ben’s lips twitch in attempt to hide a smile.

  
General Hux pretends he hasn’t heard a thing and goes on with the briefing listing the current military situation and the location of the First order convoys.

  
“I would like to be briefed about any further development in your investigation before you proceed with any possible action against the culprits,” Rey says, but Hux instantly looks at Ben who almost imperceptibly nods.

  
Hux leaves without acknowledging her words and that adds to her irritation.

She’s fighting alone in their male-dominated world, where everyone immediately turns to the Supreme Leader for approval as soon as she opens her mouth and demands anything. She might be barely tolerated here, but she swears to herself she won't let herself be entirely powerless.

  
“You still want to have dinner with him?” Ben asks Rey after the briefing, when they’re left all alone.

  
“I think he killed my appetite,” Rey says stiffly.

  
“I need to clear my mind. Would you like to join me in training?” he asks.

  
The tone of his voice is too gentle for such an ordinary question and she suspects him of trying to sooth her irritation that he must also feel, for she's not even trying to hide it.

  
And she finds it somehow endearing.

  
“I’m surprised you dare ask me after I successfully kicked your sorry ass the last time,” she teases him and he blinks almost as if he didn’t get the joke but then smiles at her.

That creased cheek of his makes her fingers twitch in a sudden and overwhelming desire to touch him.

  
“Beginner’s luck,” he says and gets serious. “You’re natural and yet, there’s room for improvement.”

  
______

She changes quickly into a pair of leggings and a tunic and goes to meet him in the training hall.

It turns out to be giant and she pauses at the door trying to take in the sheer size of that space. It’s hidden behind a seemingly ordinary door, so nothing could have prepared her for this.

She’s even more surprised she finds there are other people there, already training in pairs.

  
_So this is what Knights of Ren look without their uniform!_ she thinks, looking around curiously.

There’s six of young men about Ben’s age and two girls, one tall fair-haired and the other one, brunette, with a stature more resembling Rey’s.

What hits her as disappointing is that this in no aspect matches her subconscious expectation that their training would somehow be a cozy, intimate affair between the two of them.

She sees Ben’s tall figure at the end of the row throwing his opponent to the wall. The young man picks himself from the floor, and immediately takes a stance.

  
“Again!” commands Ben and there’s only buzzing of their lightsabers and subdued clashes.

  
When she comes in, he instantly turns to her and dismisses his opponent.

Rey is very much aware how everyone in that room freezes, focused on their leader, and his reaction to her.

  
He introduces her briefly and unnecessarily, and then leaves her to choose her opponent between the two girls. Both of them are eyeing her unpleasantly and she chooses to spar with the less intimidating one, a brunette called Brice.

  
Rey would much rather spar with Ben, deeming him to be the devil she knows, but she’s afraid her refusal to spar with one of the girls won’t make her more popular.

Nothing would make her more popular here, among the people whose minds have been set against her even before they laid their eyes on her.

  
The way the other girl, Annanda, looks at her is disturbing.

Rey closes her eyes for a brief moment and sees herself in Annanda’s mind: she looks darker, more vicious.

But she also sees Ben and in Annanda’s mind he’s glowing, outshining anyone in that room.

  
_Whatever happened between them in the past?_

  
Brice is eyeing her with steely eyes, as they carefully par each other’s attacks.

  
Rey’s are darting toward Ben. And for a brief moment, her whole body follows her eyes and she’s not really in her body, in that physical shell she’s born with, but there with Ben, sharing his space, feeling his blood pulsing through his body.

  
The sensation is overwhelming, the distraction and the confusion make her forget where she is, and she finds herself on the floor, scathed by the Brice’s lightsaber.

The cut is superficial, insignificant and yet the moment when she got cut, is the exact moment Ben lowers his saber and winces as if he felt the injury on his own body. His sparring partner doesn’t stop in time and sends his helpless opponent sliding over the floor towards Rey.

  
There’s a brief moment of silence, Rey and Ben sprawled next to each other on the floor, as the dark warriors stand above them, not even breathing.

  
Ben is on his feet the next second.

  
“Again!” he yells, attacking his opponent. Rey on the other hand scrambles herself from the floor and leaves the room.

 

______________

 

  
In the small bathroom in her chamber she looks at her own reflection in the mirror. It’s difficult to pinpoint what exactly she did feel back there, but the closest she can come to is feeling his body movements, rather than hers.

His tense muscles, his uneven breathing, his sweat - for a brief moment, she was there, sharing his body and at this point she is almost sure he felt her and that’s what sent them both down.

  
_It’s a dangerous game the Force plays with us_ , she thinks, not sure they will be able to tame it.

  
She seeks him with the Force, almost routinely and she finds herself standing next to him in the training room. His forehead is sweaty, his stance weary and he looks at Annanda’s closed and impatient face.

  
“I don’t like that she’s making you weak,” the girl says. “It reflects on all of us.”

  
Ben turns away from her, seemingly focused on his saber, but instead looks at Rey.

  
“Your ways were always different than mine,” he replies evenly. “I can’t do this without her.”

  
“Then maybe you don’t need to do this, Kylo. We were better under Snoke, that’s all I’m saying” Annanda leaves the hall, the heels of her boots angrily clicking.

  
_Kylo,_ Rey thinks, he’ll always be _Kylo_ , too, and I will have to find the way to deal with that.

  
_________

  
There’s a firm knock on her door and when she opens it, she finds Ben standing there, his face dark and sweaty.

  
He brushes swiftly past her and she closes the door behind him.

  
“What? “ she asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

  
He’s a giant black hole threatening to suck her in.

  
“What was _that_?”

  
“What was what?” she asks, still not understanding.

  
_“That!_ ” He points to the door, but she gets it’s the direction of the training hall. “How did you do it? I was in your mind, and you were….in mine,” he says as if he can’t believe his own words.

  
Rey shrugs. She stopped wondering where the boundaries of this weird Force connection are long time ago, but he obviously needs to define it all.

  
“I don’t know, Ben. I’m tired of this all. Do you really think I have the need to share _anything_ with you? Do you really think I want to stay here, surrounded by so many enemies, from General Hux to your knights? It’s exhausting.”

  
“My knights did nothing to you!” he yells, taking a menacing step towards her.

  
She can feel his breath on her face, smell his scent and for a moment she can’t take her gaze off his wet lips, let alone remember what to say to him.

  
“ _Yet_. But since they think I’m a bad influence on you, it’s just a matter of time.”

  
She can see it on his face that he knows what she’s referring to.

  
“They don’t trust you,” he says.

  
“Do _you_ trust _them_?”

  
“Yes,” he says. “I trust each and every one of them with my life.”

  
“The only problem is that you also trust them with _my life,_ ” Rey says venomously.

Ben squints at her, shaking his head in exasperation. He opens his mouth to say something, then changes his mind.

  
Rey’s vision is tinted red. Until she felt it, she couldn’t really imagine what was the thing that was bugging her most, but looking at him, she sees it clearly.

The way Annanda was talking about her, the way he didn’t really defend her, just referred to her usefulness.

  
The way _that girl_ was talking to _him_. Like she knows _him_ , like she shared history with _him_.

_So this is how it feels to be helplessly jealous!_

“Your _girlfriend_ would probably much rather you killed me than Snoke, so I don’t trust her,” she spits out.

  
Ben looks at her darkly.

  
“She’s not my _girlfriend_ , she’s my _soldier_. And regardless of how she feels about me or you, she will guard you with her life because that’s her job.”

  
“Funny, you of all people can’t even conceive treason,” Rey says.

  
She can feel the darkness in him rumbling, but refuses to lay low.

  
“Don’t tell me her feelings don’t complicate your relationship?”

  
“Not more than Finn’s complicate yours.”

  
Rey gasps for air, not believing her ears.

  
“What on earth does Finn have to do with all this?”

  
Ben is seemingly enjoying his revenge.

  
“His crush on you is basically broadcasted all over the galaxy. Besides, I saw _you_ earlier today.”

  
“Finn is my best friend,” she says firmly and lifts her chin up to Ben.

  
“Who knows nothing about the Force, but didn’t hesitate to pick up a lighsaber and fight _me_ over you! If that’s not love, I don’t know what it is!” Ben’s dark eyes are glistening with triumph.

  
Rey feels she’s losing control over her darkest impulses: to hurt him, to dominate him.

She can feel his rage, but she knows he can feel hers, too.

  
“You’re right. You don’t know what it is. For any decent human emotion - _friendship, loyalty, love_ \- escapes you! If you haven’t been on the receiving end of it, if you’ve been fed hatred and darkness, then how on earth would you know!”

  
Ben’s rage is a forest fire and for a second she thinks he will go for his lightsaber so her hand twitches towards her waist. On noticing this, his face goes blank, as if something inside him have suffered a heavy blow, and he storms out of her compartment without looking back.

  
Rey is left alone with a bitter taste of defeat in her mouth.

 


	5. The sweetest music in the Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His presence is warm, magnetic, but he exudes peace and something new, something light and curious, almost joyous, and for a moment Rey thinks how all this must be new to him, just like it is to her and that he also must be feeling similar confusion and lack of courage to make a move in any direction.  
> She takes his arm and wraps herself in it, her back pressed to his side, using his bicep as a pillow.  
> His fingers are wandering over her shoulder blade, exposed to his touch, and their rhythm is soothing like the night.  
> He breathes evenly behind her and says nothing.  
> Nestled like that into him, she feels the rhythm of his breathing - that is now her breathing, too - and it feels like the sweetest music in the Universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for stopping by and participating in this adventure! 
> 
> It feels like an overkill to publish two chapters in a row in a week of the publication of the ultimate TLJ fan fiction, the one written by Jason Fry, but that’s exactly what I’m doing :-)
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Yours only,
> 
> spacecath*
> 
> *shielding her eyes with both hands, and peering out into the distance with straining gaze “readers? guys? anybody?”

 

  
That night she dreams of him. He’s torturing her in the interrogation room, that turns into the crimson throne room where she sits on the throne instead of Snoke and watches Ben cut her in half - only the one half of her doesn’t mind him doing that and the other one wants him dead.

She sits up, stifling a scream, her mouth dry, her throat coarse.

  
Part of her is sorry she hurt Ben - and she knows how badly! - using her insider knowledge.

  
That’s the darkness rising in her; she feels it and she can’t always control it.

  
The other part of her is ashamed and just wants to bury her fingers in his hair and tell him it’s going to be all right.

  
She has made sure she would hit Ben when it hurts the most and what she’s gotten from that is only this eternal regret.

  
But going over to him to apologize is out of the question if she wants to keep this shredded dignity she bases her fragile self-esteem on.

  
She sits cross-legged on her bed and starts meditating.

  
Her mind is fitful and there’s nothing pliant about the Force tonight. She tries to steady her thoughts, to center herself, but then she uncontrollably drifts to him and before she’s aware of it, she’s in the Force, and she’s in his room, looking at him.

He’s sprawled on his bed, face down, buried in his pillow. His broad back is bare, he’s wearing only a pair of pants, the rest of his training outfit scattered around him, and his hair is messy and entangled, the witness of the _exorcise_ he’s subjected himself to.

  
She should’ve done that, too, instead of roaming around like a ghost.

  
_Exorcise your demons by exercising_ , sounds like a great slogan how to help yourself, she thinks.

  
Except that it doesn't seem to work, for the angry Force is pulsing around him. As if he’s just come out of the fight, she thinks but then she realizes it’s probably true. From a fight with her.

  
For a moment she hopes he’s asleep, but he lifts his head and turns as soon as he feels her presence.

  
_I shouldn’t have done this!_

  
She closes her eyes, as if that would help.

  
But it’s too late. She can feel the enormous dark energy rolling towards her, and at that very moment, she is in it and she shares his darkness.

  
“I believe the ordinary human decency requires to apologize in person,” he says, quietly but not unfriendly, as he sits up.

  
Rey fights her initial response to run away and forces herself to sit on the edge of his bed. Facing him like this now, reminds her of them, as they were once before. It feels familiar and low-risk.

  
“Maybe I feel safer like this,” she says.

  
_Safer_ , echoes in his mind in all shades of disappointment.

  
He leans back, on the headrest, crosses his arms over his chest and looks at her.

There’s reproach in that gaze, but also something soft, something awaiting her next words. 

  
And knowing how bad she can be with words, Rey lets the silence speak instead of her.

  
Her mind is open to him and his for once seems unguarded, too - the emotion they share at this moment is raw, unrefined, pulsing underneath their force fingers.

  
Ben closes his eyes and lets her see it all, the deep hole in him where a flicker of light shines faintly, the vast ocean of pain and loneliness.

  
She sees herself with his eyes, her belligerent self, opinionated Rey, quick in her judgments and thorny words pointed at him, hitting him like arrows.

  
Her betrayal stings him. Her brazen accusation is a torment.

  
The sober part of her is appalled at this revelation; the part of her that belongs to Ben wants to weep.

  
She puts her palm on his cheek and he’s so mellow underneath her force fingers, so pliant and only hers.

  
“Come over,” he says ruggedly, his desire stirring and echoing in her.

  
He sits up slowly, his face an inch from hers, his lips lightly parted, wanting, demanding and she’s breathing his air and that’s when she loses the focus and disappears into the safety of her chamber.

  
______________

  
She’s afraid to go back to sleep, partly because of what she may dream of, partly because she’s scared of losing this speck of control she’s still holding to, that’s preventing her from drifting straight to his room.

So she lies there for a long time, not able to focus on anything meaningful.

  
She dreads having breakfast with him, afraid it would either turn out to be another battlefield or a taciturn, tense affair, but instead, Ben is late and she sits there, alone, sipping her tea and missing him like air.

  
When he finally shows up, his eyes shiny, full of light, his lips redder than ever, kiss-inviting, Rey can't take her eyes off him.

  
_I was so stupid not to taste those lips,_ she thinks, regretting how quickly she chickened out.

  
He, on the other hand, is all about business this morning, but not in his usual frownish, rigid way - more like a man set to finish the job because he can finally see the point of doing it.

  
“I’ve been thinking, we need to make some promo holos to announce the plan of our visits. We also need to agree on a definite proposal of the laws governing the new Union before we present it to anyone.”

  
Ben is back in business and Rey is a tiny bit disappointed by his efficiency for she is somehow lacking in that department whenever in his presence.

  
____________

 

The plan of their visits unfolds before her during breakfast. Even listening about it is exhausting and she braces herself for lots of hyperspace jumps, a few hours of sleep and lots of fake smiles.

  
“I just hope people will be capable of leaving their old animosities behind them,” she says, going back to the contents of her plate. “If we could, anybody can, right?” she adds, glancing towards his scarred cheek.

  
She tries to imitate him, to sound just as businesslike as he does, and that requires avoiding looking at him, so she focuses on peeling of the stubborn piece of Neyman fruit: large, juicy delicacy with extremely tough skin.

The scavenger in her would never let anything go to waste and she tries to scrape the tiny fibers of meat from the skin.

  
Ben looks thoughtful.

  
“I don’t think we qualify at all. I have a feeling you were in my head long before the Force started connecting us. I just wasn’t able to identify your voice.”

  
Rey stops eating, her fingers deeply buried into the juicy fruit.

  
“You mean you were able to sense me? Before we met?”

  
_Should I tell him how he was always there?_

  
He doesn’t look at her, just purses his lips.

  
“I like how you slowly and meticulously take the life out of that piece of fruit,” he says, as if he hasn’t heard her question.

  
She blushes, feeling rather self-conscious and lets the fruit land in the middle of her plate.

  
“I had to work for food all my life,” she says defiantly, giving him an indignant look.

  
His eyes are unreadable, but for a fleeting moment something in them changes and it makes him blink a few times. Then he reaches for her smeared fingers and squeezes them lightly.

His touch leaves her electrified and confused, his gesture peeling off all her defenses.

He immediately gets up and without looking back at her, says:

  
“Let’s go. Those laws won’t draft themselves.”

  
Rey looks after him as he goes away licking his fingers.

  
____________________

 

  
Drafting laws with Ben turns out to be a much bigger headache than she could’ve ever imagined. They struggle to find one single thing they would agree upon, one shred of light that would connect them.

  
She wants equality, justice, representation.

He wants order, control and staying in charge as Supreme leader until he’s absolutely sure the new Galactic Union will not suffer from the same maladies as the old versions of the Republic.

He seems wary of anything that might give anyone any amount of power that could be misused.

  
“That was the problem from the very beginning of the Republic: too much power, too little control,” he says.

  
They’re huddled together in front of a screen in the throne room, or rather former throne room.

  
Rey sighs and shakes her head.

  
“This is a deadlock, Ben. We can’t go on with presenting our idea to the planetary systems until you realize the importance of delegating part of the power you solely hold now.”

  
“I believe I offered you a fair share of it,” he says smoothly and then stands up and stretches.

  
_Just because you knew I wouldn’t have it that way,_ Rey thinks, but one look at him gets her to doubt any preconception on his side, and makes her again feel what originally persuaded her to embark on this journey with him: faith in Ben Solo, faith that they would make a difference by working together.

  
____________________

 

  
What bothers her immensely is that he refuses to prosecute the warmongers.

  
“You can’t prosecute those who did business with both sides. You wanted laws. There are no laws against that.”

  
“They were using us all for their personal gain!”

  
“Yes. But what you’re talking about is justice, not legality. It might have been _immoral_ , but it wasn't _illegal_. And if we’re all going to be judged by those standards, then the Galaxy will be one giant prison.”

  
All Ray wishes for at that moment is that she had some education, so that she could beat him with arguments, for all she has ever learned was what she picked up here and there with her quick mind and boundless curiosity.

  
_Damn him and his eloquence!_

  
But then she realizes the absurdity of this all.

  
They are at the opposite ends again, except that he’s advocating laws and she wants personal vendetta.

  
“Okay. How about we don’t do business with them anymore? We can simply blacklist them.”

  
“That can be arranged,” Ben says, exhaling with relief.

  
Rey frowns at him.

  
“What was that about?”

  
“Nothing,” he says smoothly.

  
“No, I want you to tell me, Ben Solo. That sigh, what was it? A subtle way of letting me know I was being difficult again?”

  
She stands in front of him, trying to look menacing, but painfully aware how she has to crane her neck even to look this man in the eyes.

  
He, on the other hand, looks down at her with an expression of exaggerated patience, one reserved for talking to children.

  
_I need a chair_ , she thinks and then draws a chair in front of him and jumps on it, which makes her technically taller than him.

  
“How do you like this?” she asks, looking down on him.

  
He looks curiously up at her, his eyebrows clashing in the middle of his forehead, a half-smile lingering on his lips.

  
“Ah, I see. You’re trying to make me see things from your perspective,” he says, trying to remain serious.

  
“You’re not off the hook! Until you tell me what was that all about!”

  
“For a moment I thought you were going to start the war on the warmongers and then begin to buy weapons from them, and deplete all our funds in that process. So they get rich, we get poor and we can’t afford those Neyman fruits you like so much…that sort of thing.”

  
By then his serious facade is gone and she laughs as well at his scenario.

  
He tosses her over his shoulder without any warning.

  
“C’mon, warrior of justice, we’ve earned a legal break.”

  
Rey loudly protests, and tries to wriggle herself free, but can’t stop laughing at the absurdity of this all.

  
As he carries her toward the kitchen, thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, a few officers they meet along the way salute him and then turn to look after them.

All Ray can do is try not to look totally helpless as she smiles and waves at them behind Ben’s back.

 

_________________

 

They train together for a couple of days, apart from the rest of the knights, and sometimes tend to get stuck in wordless clinches, especially if the training comes right after one of their heated discussions.

  
Other times they simply go easy on each other, so training feels more like a complicated dance than make-believe fighting.

  
She’s by now sure he’s sharing a good part of his skills with her through their Force bond, for she can move in a way that surprises herself.

She briefly wonders whether what she’s getting from him is the dark warrior training or maybe left-overs of his Jedi training, the training she would still gladly go through.

  
The unresolved matter of her future path, path of the Jedi, lingers between them but neither of them broaches that subject.

Rey sometimes feels it would be the end of the truce between them and pushes that thought away, or ahead of her, into that distant future where all options still exist, including the one where Ben agrees with her and even helps her re-establish the order.

  
The Force is kind to them and lets them feel each other at will.

Something about it makes her happy. Something about sharing this time with him and working on something new and exciting makes her ecstatic.

And her chambers, with her clothes scattered around and miniature figures she makes of branches and peel found in the kitchen, feel less like a tomb, and more like her own private sanctuary. A warm and cozy sanctuary.

  
Ben no longer wears his heavy tunics, actually he’s mostly dressed in something thin, occasionally sleeveless. Even the knights are shedding layers of their clothes, but she enjoys the warmth in their part of the ship, and since nobody complains about the temperature, she pretends not to be aware of their ordeal.

  
By now she has no doubt about the way she feels about him.

She doesn’t dare think about it consciously, but her fears and hopes find their release in her dreams - odd dreams that leave her breathless, make her wake up bathed in sweat, trying to stifle her screams, dreams in which their bodies are sometimes interlocked in a racy embrace and other times in a clinch.

In some of those dreams he’s still chasing her, trying to harm her.

In others he kisses her until her lips become sore, and plays with her body in a way that leaves her gasping for air.

She never talks about it, but seeing him in the morning after a night she spent dreaming about him usually makes her feel flustered and that in turn makes him squint at her and hold his breath as if waiting for her to sentence him for something he might have inadvertently done.

In one of those vivid dreams she’s standing on the edge of a precipice at his mercy.

He advances toward her and as she lifts her hand to touch his face, he pushes her down.

  
She doesn’t hear herself screaming; she’s only aware her lungs are about to burst and her throat is scraped and rough.

  
Her door bursts open and the guard on duty runs in, followed by Ben with his saber lit.

He’s shirtless and barefoot, wearing only a pair of black training pants. His eyes are frantically searching for her.

His expression softens when he sees her sitting in bed, gasping for air.

  
“I saw it. I saw me in your dream, your nightmare,” he says.

His eyes are glowing red, the light of his saber being the only source of light her room.

He dismisses the guard, but he himself remains reluctantly standing in the middle of her chambers.

  
“It can never happen,” he says. His voice is quiet, his wounded words revealing how deeply he is offended by her dream.

  
“I can’t control what I dream of,” she retorts, but feels guilty, ashamed. “It’s not the first time I've dreamt of you.”

  
He cocks his head to the side and his eyes inadvertently travel along her body. Rey feels the blood rushing to her face for she’s only wearing a sleeveless t-shirt that’s hitched all the way up, exposing her upper thighs.

  
She tugs the hem of it down and gropes for the cover lying on the floor.

  
“It’s the first time I saw it. The weirdest thing is I wasn’t even asleep,” he replies and then moves toward her bed, picking up the cover from the floor and handing it to her.

  
She looks at him, wide-eyed, and he holds that gaze, looking as if he can’t decide if he’d rather not be there at all, or stay in her chambers until the end of time.

She feels the conflict in him, the doubt, the fear of rejection.

Then she scoots over, making place for him on her narrowish cot.

  
He closes the door of her chambers using the Force and then puts his saber next to hers on her nightstand.

  
He lies flat on his back, barely able to fit next to her.

The dark in an already warm room is red-hot around him.

She turns her back to him, sprawling on her side, partly trying to give him more space, partly trying to avoid looking at him as a precaution.

  
She knows she can’t trust herself around this man, and yet she simply invited him into her bed!

  
His presence is warm, magnetic, but he exudes peace and something new, something light and curious, almost joyous, and for a moment Rey thinks how all this must be new to him, just like it is to her and that he also must be feeling similar confusion and lack of courage to make a move in any direction.

She takes his arm and wraps herself in it, her back pressed to his side, using his bicep as a pillow.

His fingers are wandering over her shoulder blade, exposed to his touch, and their rhythm is soothing like the night.

  
He breathes evenly behind her and says nothing.

Nestled like that into him, she feels the rhythm of his breathing - that is now her breathing, too - and it feels like the sweetest music in the Universe.

 


	6. Smugglers' paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their eyes are on he same level, his breath on her face, warm, smelling of herbs they tasted together, and his eyes, those oceans of hazel with small sunflowers in them, are large and all-encompassing. 
> 
> She traces his scar and he leans into her palm and turns his head just a fraction to kiss her wrist.
> 
>    
> She knows she is going to kiss him now, for how can she not to - and she waits just a few seconds longer to savor the moment before, the moment after which nothing will ever be the same, for she would claim him and she would never let him go.

  
There’s a faint crack and vague shuffling that gets Rey to sit up and look around, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

  
Ben is standing in the middle of her chamber, his torso bent to the side, his large eyes startled.

  
“Did I wake you up? Sorry, I have a bad back,” he says.

  
He stretches all the way up and then bends backwards. The faint crackling comes again from the direction of his back.

  
Rey looks pointedly at the narrow bed they shared, thinking how uncomfortable and short it probably was for him and yet he said nothing.

  
_He stayed_.

  
“That’s what you get when you grow up too tall too quickly,” he murmurs and sighs in frustration.

  
She’s trying not to think how he had to face all the changes in his body and mind, and the rise of the darkness in him, all alone.

  
_Would anyone be able to deal with all this on his own? Would she?_

  
“Is there anything that can be done about it?” she asks reluctantly and he just shakes his head, stretching on.

  
The light in the room is still dim and she turns the lamp on to make this morning encounter less awkward.

  
The night they spent together is still lingering between them.

  
Ben looks around her chambers, his gaze stopping on the small figures on her nightstand.

  
“Once a scavenger….” he starts and she gives him a stern look and then they both laugh.

  
He’s right, she can’t help but collect things, always enchanted either by their beauty or simple usefulness.

  
He picks up a small figurine Rey carved from the tough shell of a nut that she adorned with a small wreath made out of woven stalk and brings it to light to inspect it.

  
“I like your personal touch,” he says and the way those words feel on her skin make her blush.

  
“But what comes next? Music in the elevator? Wreaths of flowers over the command bridge?”

  
_He is so beautiful when he smiles_ , Rey thinks trying to catch her breath, not to stare at him and to keep the conversation on a casual level.

  
“No, nothing that would make General Hux furious,” she adds, faking seriousness.

  
“Everything makes Hux furious,” Ben points out, wriggling his eyebrows.

  
Laughing together at the possibility of giving Hux a hard time is in a way the closest they’ve ever been, even closer than they were only a couple of hours ago, sharing her bed, and Rey is warm and giddy at that thought.

  
“Let’s get on with making the holos and then….” he stops abruptly and looks at her meaningfully. “Then we’ll think of something. See you in ten?”

  
_I’ll need more than ten minutes just to process how my sheets still smell of you_ , she thinks but keeps her lips in a tight smile.

  
He goes out the door quickly, as if afraid if he doesn’t do it so abruptly, he might stay. On seeing his saber still lying next to her on the night stand, she jumps out of the bed and rushes after him. When she opens the door and yells his name, they both freeze.

  
There are a few knights in the corridor stuck mid-movement and staring at their barefoot, shirtless Supreme Leader and Rey, scantily dressed, peeking out of her chamber.

  
She clears her throat and steps forward.

  
_What’s done is done._

  
“You forgot your saber,” she says, offering it to him.

  
Ben’s fingers lightly touch hers when taking the saber from her, and before she can tame the current running from them through her body, he’s already gone.

 

_________________________

 

  
Holo broadcasts play an important part in their big scheme and she composes a few enthusiastic, almost bombastic sentences in her head as she takes a shower. She ponders what to wear and then decides for her regular, recognizable outfit, her leggings and tunic.

It feels like wearing one’s own skin again.

On seeing her getting ready for the shoot his lips curve into a tiny smile.

  
“You look like someone I used to know,” he says, barely audibly.

  
He’s all sleek and shiny in his full equipment. He looks menacing, exuding something dangerously overbearing, something that keeps everyone around him on an edge. Standing next to him, she feels like a genuine Miss Sunshine and she thinks he’s doing it on purpose, to emphasize how this new Union can encompass all the extremes and deserves to be supported.

  
The transmission is short, their words powerful and standing like that, next to each other, beaming at the invisible spectators, Rey feels they’re really in this together, and on to something.

  
The feeling of faith in them spreads through the core of her being and makes her light-hearted and elated so much, she even offers a smile to General Hux, who is all this time suspiciously watching them from the sideline.

 

  
_______________________

 

  
“This is our cue,” Ben says, when the technicians take over the footage and get themselves busy with setting up the infinite loop of broadcast. He looks as if he can’t wait to lose the crowd.

  
Rey doesn’t know where he’s taking her but feels Ben’s excitement in her bones and that’s enough for her.

  
She can’t avoid noticing the longing look Annanda gives them, just like she can’t avoid understanding where that comes from.

  
_Not her fault, neither of us can do anything about it_ , Rey thinks.

  
She has difficulty keeping up with Ben’s long strides, covering the endless corridors of Supremacy in record speed, and on noticing her struggle, he slows down a bit and gives her a half-smile.

  
The hangar is loud and busy but the ship Ben is heading for is standing closest to the gate. The level of noise goes down a notch when they pass together and Rey glances involuntarily toward the abandoned pod she used to ship herself here what it feels like eternity ago.

  
Ben is focused and quiet, and watching him pilot the ship smoothly she has a flashback of watching Han.

  
“Do _I_ know where we’re going?”

  
“You wish you would,” he says and makes a movement indicating his lips are sealed, preparing for the hyperspace jump.

  
They break from the hyperspace into a halt on the edge of atmosphere of a blue-green planet. Rey doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to this much lush colors.

  
“Where are we?” she asks “You have to tell me now!”

  
“Corellia,” he says. There’s a deep shadow on his face, but it lasts just a fleeting second. “I used to come here with Han.”

  
There’s something in him yearning for reconnecting with whatever Ben Solo was and is not anymore, Rey can feel it. And she knows she has a part to play in that, but she still doesn’t know which one.

  
The descent into a beautiful sunshine-filled day is slow and mesmerizing. The ocean is vast, the beach bordering it looks like a stripe of familiar sand. And the lush vegetation starting from there and stretching to eternity makes her dizzy.

  
She has spent so much time in the sterile environment of the Supremacy that she can’t wait to jump out of the ship and feel the sun on her skin, but Ben stops her.

  
“Wait, we need some disguise,” he says producing several garments from one of the ship’s compartments.

  
“Oh, finally _a cowl!_ “ she says, rummaging through the pile of long capes and hoods in different shapes and sizes.

  
Ben chuckles and gives her a sideways glance. The shared memory of that Force bond session hovers between them.

  
She almost blushes again remembering how she didn’t know where to look so as not to stare at him, so finger-inviting, as he was standing there shirtless and unabashed by her obvious reaction to him.

  
_How much she longed to touch him back then! How much she still does!_

  
She hides her itchy fingers in the pockets of the cape she quickly dons.

  
There’s something impish about Ben’s smile, but he avoids any comment and Rey is still not sure how much of what’s going on in her brain he really can see, or guess.

  
She puts the hood on, hides her hair in it and lifts her chin up trying to fasten the cape.

  
Ben leans down to help her and for a moment his fingers linger underneath her chin and his deep gaze makes her shiver.

  
She could kiss him here and now and never regret it, and this steady summing of the Force between them makes her aware of the ocean of uncontrollable feelings stirring in him, the ocean she could swim in, if she only knew how.

  
She forces herself to get out of the ship ahead of him.

 

  
_________________________

 

The town that breaks in front of them is filled with lop-sided houses, crooked streets bordered with dirty stands filled with everything a heart can desire and shady characters from all corners of the Galaxy.

  
Rey finds it difficult to make a proper sentence distracted with just about everything around her. The multitude of sounds, smells, and _life_ is intoxicating.

  
She takes it all in, wide-eyed, delighted, and then looks at him in disbelief.

  
He just smiles smugly back at her.

  
_Of all the places he could’ve taken her to, this was the last on the list. Scratch that, this wasn’t on the list at all!_

  
She was trying not to expect anything, even though curious beyond belief - she didn’t even want to poke around his brain, but judging by how tensely he looks at her now, anticipating her joy in his choice of the destination for their outing, he had probably made sure to hide it all behind the steely curtain. In a way, she had something intimate, something even maybe romantic at the back of her mind, something involving only the two of them…not _this!_

_And this is infinitely better than anything she could imagine!_

  
“Smugglers' paradise,” he says. “Looks just the way I remember. Despite the First order’s attempts to regulate the trade,” he adds and she bursts out laughing at the inevitability of his remark.

  
She flits from one stand to another like a bee from flower to flower, wanting it all, followed by patient and cautious Ben, who hunches behind her trying to stay inconspicuous - which is extremely difficult for his imposing presence attracts attention wherever they step.

  
Rey, on the other hand, feels like a child in a candy shop.

  
“Do we have anything to trade with? Money, metals, crystals, currency of any kind?” she asks him eagerly and he laughs at her enthusiasm.

  
Smugglers are notoriously suspicious towards coins of any kind, but Ben might have drawn on his father’s experience, so he came fully prepared - equipped with precious metals.  
He just waves Rey ahead signalling that he’d take care of the practicalities.

Her arms are soon filled with the most peculiar items - anything from clothes, weapons, lava art and rare fruits, paintings and several pairs of shoes and boots, to peculiar stones and potted plants - the amount of which manages to surprise even Ben, so he takes it over, soon gives up on trying to carry the towering pile in his arms, and gets a sack to stash her catch.

Her face is radiating, her joy is contagious and in the light of the slanting sun, even his smile feels less fortuitous.

  
“This smells delicious,” Rey exclaims, darting towards a stand where a short, hairy Drall grills something foul looking.

  
It turns out to be a local specialty made out of grilled roots dipped in Grotberry sauce and sprinkled with Ithoran saffron .

  
Rey gets one and after the first bite, decides she could blissfully die on the spot, her saliva dripping, eager to finish off one wrap and get some more.

  
Ben is looking at her, lightly frowning.

  
“Are you sure that is safe to eat? You don’t know where it comes from, how old is it, how many times it was reheated….”

  
“Good food,” Rey gesticulates with the rest of her portion, hardly able to form the words with her mouth this full.

  
_Stars, this tastes heavenly!_

  
“Good food,” Drall, the vendor repeats, squinting up at Ben, sensing it is him he’ll have to persuade about the quality of his servings.

  
Ben is still skeptical, but Rey buys another portion and before he drags her from there, she promises the Drall she would stop again on her way back to he ship.

  
“You could at least taste it,” she says, offering him a bite and he simply stoops down, surrendering.

  
He looks just as serious about tasting the food as he is about anything else. He sniffs it, looks uncertainly at Rey and then takes a wary bite.

  
Rey squints at him.

  
“Not bad,” he says after a moment, “and all my objections are reasonable, stop looking at me like that.”

  
“Ha! Anyway, I wouldn’t  give you another bite even if you begged me for it! The food is mine,” Rey teases him and hides her wrap behind her back, but the advantage of having long arms is on his side and he manages to snatch it from her hands and lift it way above his head, making her jump in vain to reach it until he willingly returns it to her.

  
Once she gets her wrap back, Rey returns to happy nibbling on it and looking casually around. One glance at the stand right in front of her makes her abandon her food and freeze mid-movement.

Two tiny buttons of the eyes are staring at her from a cage at the edge of the stand.

She can’t see the entire creature, just its head for the cage is partly hidden behind the goods on display, but she recognizes a _gmizard_ when she sees one.

  
She moves closer to see it better.

  
They were pretty common on Jakku, too, - tiniest of the reptiles, just another species among the multitude of reptilian creatures on a sandy planet - but back there they had a set of tiny wings that would allow them to hover for a few moments to catch the insects.

This creature has a pair of uneven, miserable leftovers where his wings used to be.

  
“What happened to you?” Rey asks, leaning into him.

The animal’s emaciated body doesn’t even twitch. It timidly sits in the middle of its cage and something about its sad face and crippling loneliness resounds in her.

She looks at Ben hopefully, but says nothing out loud.

  
Ben's eyes wander from her face to the creature and back and then it dawns to him what she is silently asking.

  
The owner, sensing her interest, initiates the bargaining process, but Ben disinterestedly pays his price, indifferent to the disappointment he’s thereby causing him.

  
Rey quickly takes the animal out of its cage, as if afraid the owner might change his mind, and tucks it into the folds of her tunic.

  
At that moment, one corner of the market flies up in the air and the domino effect starts from there.

The improvised stands are folded together with hyper-speed, their owners collecting the goods that were on display just a fraction of a second ago and disappearing into the maze of sidestreets.

  
“ _Run_!” she yells on seeing a squad of stormtroopers advance through the masses, overturning the stands and causing the commotion.

  
She grabs Ben’s hand, and starts running. The sand on the path towards the beach is shifty underneath their feet, and she loses her hood,  which causes her hair to spill all over her face and shoulders.

  
They reach a pointed mound a bit further away and get down behind it to regain their breath.

  
“Why are we even running?” Ben asks, taking the cowl off and running his fingers through his hair.

  
The obviousness of that question dawns to her.

  
Here they are, Supreme Leader of the Galaxy and his - well for now just _associate_ , or the future Jedi master, as she likes to think about herself, - both in perfect command of the Force, both armed and even if nothing would ever come to that, both capable of exerting the necessary authority to stop the stormtroopers, - hiding behind a sandy mound, peeking sheepishly behind it to see if anyone’s chasing them.

  
“I don’t know,” she laughs heartily. “But now we better make sure they don’t discover us for it would be embarrassing.”

  
Ben also laughs, his face open and light.

  
“You did it for the thrill of it, admit it!” he says and she shakes with laughter but doesn’t deny it.

  
“I acted on an instinct. Back in Jakku, you see a stormtrooper, you run, you don’t pause to ask questions.”

  
This is the most alive she felt in all those weeks and she glances toward the stretch where their ship is holding, reluctant to leave.

She gazes into the darkening orange horizon and plays with the sand between her fingers.

  
Ben scoots next to her and remains silent.

This silence surrounding them, the force filling out the remaining space between their bodies, making them feel as if they’re in a cocoon of their own wherever they might be, and however physically close they might be - it is all so familiar and safe and theirs, just theirs.

They can stay like this, out of time, just being in this moment, together.

Rey feels more relaxed than she’s felt ever since she joined Ben, and yet, there are memories tugging in her consciousness.

This disappearing light casting long shadows over the landscape is unbearably familiar, and smells like that old loneliness and longing.

  
“These were the moments I missed my parents most. Back in Jakku, I would be forced to scavenge all day long, avoid traps and human traffickers, and in the evenings, that sense of loneliness was the worst,” she smiles wryly and looks at him.

His eyes are deep oceans of grief.

  
“You will never be that alone ever again, I promise,” he says, leaning over and tucking a strand of her hair behind her ears.

  
Their eyes are on he same level, his breath on her face, warm, smelling of herbs they tasted together, and his eyes, those oceans of hazel with small sunflowers in them, are large and all-encompassing. She traces his scar and he leans into her palm and turns his head just a fraction to kiss her wrist.

  
She knows she is going to kiss him now, for how can she not to - and she waits just a few seconds longer to savor the moment before, the moment after which nothing will ever be the same, for she would claim him and she would never let him go.

  
When their lips finally meet in a cautious, albeit overdue kiss, she closes her eyes and closes the rest of the body, and her lips are the only living part of Rey.

Ben is holding back, she can feel it, out of caution, fear, habit, she can’t tell, but she opens her mouth to him and lets him in - and he moans and closes that tiny space left between them.

She scoots a bit back to lean on the mound, her arms around his neck, her fingers in his hair, her hungry tongue in his mouth, tasting, exploring and she can feel the knot in her stomach, but in his, too, and the duality of that sensation is so intoxicating it easily pushes her boundaries and makes her dizzy.

  
He twists his upper body to give her better access to his face and is basically lying in her arms, all hers and all there.

  
The distant voices and commotion are not even in the realm of the things they register now, but soon the noise comes closer and Ben reacts first, lifting her up and breaking up their kiss shortly.

That move provokes Rey’s loud protests, so he leans down again, scoops her in his arms and offers his lips again, while balancing both her and the sack of her goodies.

  
The tiny gmizard, peaking out of the folds of Rey’s clothes is the only witness of how nothing can touch them now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, commenting, leaving kudos! It is really inspiring to know someone out there reads these words and maybe even likes them :)  
> This chapter is long overdue, just like that kiss.  
> I promise to update again during the weekend - just to see this week through *two more days, Cath, you can do it!  
> Cheers and happy reading!


	7. A thousand times no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But there’s something else there, something mixed with lust, something hidden in the waves of heat coming from him, traveling through both their bodies - something dark and unnerving and unyielding and even Rey’s hazy brain can’t miss it.
> 
>  
> 
> This kiss is everything their kisses that same afternoon were not - there’s fever in it, and a desire to dominate, almost to hurt.
> 
>  
> 
> Why is she here at all? What was the urgency that prompted her to come and search for him? His anger towards his own mother, ultimately towards himself, his inability to see things outside those old patterns - him embodying the First order, standing against them, the essence of the Resistance.
> 
> But it’s almost impossible to think clearly when his rough, hot tongue is playing with her nipple.

If there was a mirror on the wall Rey is facing, she would’ve marveled at her own hazy expression and that faint, distant smile lingering on her lips.

  
Her sore, red, kiss-bitten lips.

  
But the only thing she’s facing is the metal wall of her chamber on Supremacy.

  
_What did just happen?_

  
She doesn’t know, she can’t even tell how they found their ship and who piloted it back to Supremacy, if anyone piloted it at all, for all she remembers is being all over Ben and him being everywhere around her and how the air smelled of him and how sweet his lips tasted.

  
There was no time, and no world at that moment, there was no her or him - _Ben and Rey, separate entities_ \- there was just this untameable Force and they were one in it.

  
She looks down at her hands, hands that traveled all over his body, and rested deep in his luscious hair. She smells her fingers and that scent is the essence of him - something firm and leathery, and something definitely only and very much recognizably Ben.

  
Her core stirs from the sensation.

  
The gmizard is peacefully curled on her lap as the only proof she didn’t imagine this trip.

  
She remembers general Hux’ insistent voice repeating the word “emergency” coming from the distance over the ship’s comm unit and how it took Ben forever to respond. The same sour face awaited them when they docked, and Ben followed him up to the command bridge, while Rey, still hazy-eyed and smiling at the air ahead of her, went to her chamber and sat on this very same bed she shared last night with Ben.

  
And didn’t move for who knows how long.

  
A muffled knock and fumbling with the knob brings her back from her revery and she cautiously opens the door.

  
Ben is holding a rectangular glass box in his hands, trying to open the door with his elbow.

  
“I think your new friend might use this,” he says, putting the box on the desk. Then he brings the lamp closer, right over the open top box to provide both light and warmth.

  
“My new friend Algernon,” she says, deciding on the name without much ado and looking smugly at Ben.

He only chuckles.

  
“Algernon the pompous,” he says.

  
He looks focused, business-like, but then glances insecurely towards her to check her reaction.

  
She’s used to that by now - those stolen glances in her direction just in case she might disapprove of his actions. She smiles back at him reassuringly and places the sleeping creature in the box. It looks so tiny and forsaken in that bare, glaringly lit space.

  
Rey turns quickly around to get a scarf from the locker brimming with clothes, and then uses it to tuck the gmizard.

  
“You did this?” she gesticulates toward the locker filled with clothes mainly to confirm her suspicion.

  
“I…I tried to guess what you might like,” Ben says softly.

Rey looks pointedly at him and lifts the hem of that white, floor-length gown that sticks out from the rest of the clothes items but not being either practical or wearable at all.

  
He laughs awkwardly.

  
“Okay, I might have gone too far with that.”

  
Rey laughs as well, but decides not to let him off the hook.

  
“You were here while I was asleep. That first night.”

  
He takes a step towards her and the heat in her chamber rises a notch.

  
“You needed that sleep after all that had happened. I…I watched you. You didn’t even stir,” he says, some indifferent emotion making his voice throaty and hushed.

  
But there’s something edgy around Ben now, so unlike that pure, intoxicating softness she was feeling in his core back on Corellia.

  
“What was the emergency about? “ she asks cautiously.

  
_Does she really want to know? Does she want to go back to the their reality at all?_

  
For there are so many duties and so many things they have yet to do, and so much of it is politics.

  
She can feel his hesitation as a ripple in the Force around him.

  
“We have a problem, ” Ben finally says. “Our convoy has been attacked in the Outer rim. The Resistance strikes again.”

  
His last words are harsh, and she can feel the change in him again, the gap between them widening even though her fist reaction is to take a step closer to him.

  
“No, Ben, I’m sure nobody approved of that action. Not your mother, nor Poe.”

  
He winces on hearing her mention her mother and straightens up.

  
“They would probably claim that the Outer rim has always been a savage zone. Still, it’s their allies attacking us. I wonder if downsizing the army was a good idea.”

  
“You are not seriously going back there, to that way of thinking?” she yells, genuinely disappointed. “Not when we got this far! Things don’t change over night. You need to give them time.”

  
Ben curls back into himself almost visibly and all that’s left are the outer boundaries of his body.

  
“Meanwhile our ships are sitting in the Outer rim like clay pigeons,” he spits.

  
Rey searches for his eyes.

  
Her heart is silent and cold from what she finds there.

  
“One chat with General Hux and you give up on this? On us?” she asks belligerently. “Let’s talk to the Resistance to clarify what has happened. That’s what diplomacy means.”

  
She marches out, not waiting for him and he reluctantly follows her to the throne room, maintaining the distance between them.

  
_How can they be back where they started after what happened this afternoon_?

  
She touches her sore lips with the tips of her fingers.

  
The disappointment hurts so much, she can already feel those angry, treacherous tears gathering at the corners of her eyes, so she bites them back and raises her chin.

  
From the way he glances at her, Rey can tell he hasn’t even considered talking to his opponent in this dispute. For what must feel like an eternity Ben probably haven’t even looked at anyone from the Resistance without targeting them.

  
It is so frustrating to watch him take two giant steps back as soon as they make a tiny step forward.

  
But Rey knows it’s pointless to let him in on her thoughts now, when he’s so closed off, so distant, so they walk on in silence.

 

  
__________________

 

  
In the former throne room Rey is sitting in front of the screen looking at Leia’s thoughtful face.

Ben hovers behind her like an entangled bundle of darkness so Rey tries to focus on conveying her message without his interference, and that requires blocking the angry Force coming from him.

  
She can’t but be sorry for the older woman who’s stoically taking blows life hides up its sleeve for her. But before Rey manages to explain the purpose of their call, Ben leans over her shoulder.

  
“General Organa, “ he says stiffly.

  
The ocean of ice spills from behind Rey’s back towards Leia on the screen. She blinks twice, trying to stay focused.

  
“Is there anyone else I can talk to? Your second in command? It’s a matter of utmost urgency and I don’t think I should talk to you.”

  
Leia briefly closes her eyes and then turns her head to the side, giving a sign to someone behind the screen to join her. She’s not going to fight Ben on this, not now when he’s finally reaching to them.

  
_She must have taught him all those words,_ Rey thinks. _And now he’s using them against her_.

  
General Dameron takes her place, his wary eyes on Rey’s.

  
“It wasn’t us,” he says before she even finishes her sentence.

  
And then he looks over her shoulder at Ben hovering behind her.

  
_Men in command always looking for the approval of other men._

  
Rey leans over trying to fill in his line of sight.

  
“Poe, someone did it. What’s your educated guess about it? What can we do to prevent further attacks?”

  
Emphasis on _we_ \- me, you, Ben, we are all _we._

  
“I might have an idea who I can contact about this,” Poe replies.

  
“I expect you to control your allies, General Dameron,” Ben says icily.

  
General Hux is glaring at the holo and if looks could kill, Poe would’ve been dead twice already.

  
“I’d like to come over tomorrow to discuss ways of dealing with this problem,” Poe says smoothly.

  
“Until tomorrow then,” Ben says and nods curtly.

  
Rey hopes to talk to him but before she even turns around, he’s already stomping out, clearly unsatisfied with the outcome.

  
_This is all kinds of wrong_ , Rey thinks, putting her head in her hands and then she gets up quickly and follows him out, aware of General Hux’ triumphant look.

  
She enters Ben’s quarters without knocking, almost storming that door, but is startled not to find him there.

  
_What was that all about, Ben?_ was on the tip of her tongue, but now hangs smothered at the back of her throat.

  
The sound of the fresher from his bathroom reveals his whereabouts and she for a moment deliberates staying there and waiting for him, or leaving only to storm back in at another, more convenient time.

  
But the wind is out of her sails so she timidly sits on the edge of his bed and looks around.

  
She was in his chamber only once, through the Force, where the only thing she could see was him.

  
She takes in the size of his compartment, in essence not much bigger than hers, but with a major difference in having a viewport looking out at the stars. She’s immediately drawn to it, like a child to a shiny toy, and leans over as far as she can, even props on her toes to have a better view.

  
The stars are twinkling indifferently back at her.

  
So many lives depend on what they’re trying to accomplish here, so many fates are in their hands.

  
And the big words like equality, justice, and freedom are choking her at the moment.

  
She’s just a girl, she can hardly control herself around this unpredictable boy and she has to make tough decisions for the benefit of the whole Galaxy.

  
_Is she really up to that task? Is anyone?_

  
It’s more than essential, more clear than ever how this is not a task for one person, or two, for that matter.

  
She was right from the start, they need institutions and building this new Galactic Union is the only way to prevent the history from repeating itself.

  
Ben gets out of the bathroom and on seeing her, he freezes in the middle of toweling his hair dry. The other towel is loosely wrapped around his waist.

  
She turns around to face him with an expression of being caught red-handed in something.

  
The intensity in his eyes makes the knot in her stomach so tight, she can barely breathe, and it doesn’t help that her gaze inadvertently follows glistening drops of water, dripping from his wet hair, over his bare chest, down his taut stomach and disappearing underneath the towel that's barely holding on to his hips.

  
To hide her confusion, she looks around desperately searching for something neutral, but her eyes immediately dart to his bed.

  
“It’s bigger than mine,” she states the obvious and bites her lower lip because the comment is unnecessary, to put it mildly.

  
_This is not why she’s here; this is not how this conversation should go_.

  
“I’m bigger than you,” he says, looking at her warily. “Do you want to swap? I don’t mind….”

  
“No, no,” she hurries to dissuade him, her eyes large and earnest.

  
_How could he think she wants to stay here, or in any other compartment without him? It would be just as bare and empty as any other._

  
_But that is not why she’s here._

  
He looks intently at her, the wonder on his face readable for she is not moving, nor cutting short this wordless conversation.

  
She, on the other hand, forgets for a moment all her objections and reasons and feels simply sucked into his space where nothing else matters.

  
“Why won’t you talk to Leia?” she finally asks the question that’s been on her mind for what it feels like forever.

  
“If that’s what you came for, you may just as well leave now!” he says harshly, pointing at the door.

His wet hair falls in his eyes and he flips it back with an impatient movement.

  
But Rey has finally found her train of thought and won’t budge that easily or let herself be distracted.

  
“We’ve already been there, Ben Solo. We’ve been there, where we leave our conversations unfinished, words unsaid. You are going to hear me out now!”

  
Rey stares at him accusingly and under that glare Ben shifts uncomfortably so she feels free to take a step closer to him.

  
“We agreed we were going to try and build something new, something that would be good and just for everyone, not only the chosen few. There is no other way, but finding the balance in the Force. Balance between us. But you let your personal issues prevail. You let your judgement get clouded by your past, your resentments. Don’t do that, Ben,” she says softly, her eyes not leaving his.

“Leave that behind. You said it yourself we have to let the past die. Forgiving and moving on is also letting it die. At least you have a family and that’s infinitely better than not having one, take my word for it,” she says and Ben laughs bitterly, seemingly against his own will.

  
The tone of his voice is no longer familiar - so jarring, so tense!

  
The Force around him is red with anger and he looks as if he’s about to unleash it on her.

  
“You’re so naive, Rey. I never know if I should admire you for that or be annoyed by it. If I didn’t know your history, it would’ve amazed me how anyone could be so blind. You think having any kind of family is better than nothing? Not the Solos, “ he says wryly. “And definitely not the Skywalkers. The only good thing is both families die out with me.”

  
His eyes are cold and firm, but there’s zero regret in them.

  
He abandons the towel he used to dry his hair. The other one around his hips is still dangerously loose, at serious peril of sliding but he does nothing to tighten it.

  
It’s so disconcerting, and she’s sure he’s doing it on purpose and yet her eyes dart to his midsection against her will.

  
He turns his back at her, unabashed, rummaging his locker for some clothes as if she’s not there.

  
_This is so Kylo Ren - diverting attention from what really matters._

  
Her anger stirs.

  
“How dare you make all this about yourself!,” she says in a clear, sharp voice. “None of us had it easy! Just grow up already! Blaming your family for what happened in the past is pointless. Let the past be past. When I said yes to your plan of the new Galactic Union, I didn’t think you’d hold on to old animosities!”

  
He gives her a cold, calculated look.

  
“Ignoring the fact the Resistance is still very much being the resistance won’t make us more united. You’ve heard them! They go back to what they’re good at: denying their involvement, but working behind my back.”

  
“ _Your back_! You’re doing it again! Making it all about yourself!” she yells, lifting her hands up in the air in exasperation.

  
Rey’s mind is on fire, and she tries desperately to find the words to make him see how deeply wrong he is on giving up on the first obstacle.

  
He turns to her abruptly, his dark eyes two pits of fire.

She holds her own and glares at him, the battle of wills between them raging, even though she can’t help but also be aware how he’s standing so close to her, how the space between them fills with their angry breaths, and how the raging Force is all around them.

  
She’s on the verge of regretting coming over to him, for she’s not sure how long she can resist his pull, despite being this angry at him.

 _Or maybe just because of that_.

  
Rings of dark fire are rolling away from him.

  
There’s nothing peaceful about that fire, just like there’s nothing soft about the moment their lips crush together.

The world is frenzy and pain, and their tongues fighting for domination, their arms wrestling around their bodies.

  
He lifts her up, all the way up, making her wrap her legs around his waist, and she leans down, trying not to break the kiss for somehow at this moment her whole life depends on it.

  
She feels she would cease to exist if she cuts this connection between them and the Force seems to think so, too, for it’s blazing around them as well as in them.

  
In one swift turn he flips her flat on her back, for a moment hovering over her, his beautiful long face mesmerizing, his eyes burning with desire.

  
Her fire matches his and she gulps when their lips meet once again, in something fuller and kinder, although just as passionate. There are so many parts on her body aching to be touched by those lips - her neck, her shoulders, her breasts…

  
She moans and arches her back, offering him a better access of her body.

There is no caution in her desire, but Rey has no time to think about it now.

  
His fingers are already tearing her clothes apart, unwrapping her, setting her free.

  
Hers are digging furrows down his bare back and sliding down, underneath that loose towel, so redundant at this moment.

  
He bites her lower lip, hot taste of iron filling both their mouths and she moans, and buries her nails in his back, drawing blood.

In response he wedges himself between her legs, making her hips lift in expectation of something blissful, something beyond marvelous, and the warm impatience of that action spreads through her whole body.

  
But there’s something else there, something mixed with lust, something hidden in the waves of heat coming from him, traveling through both their bodies - something dark and unnerving and unyielding and even Rey’s hazy brain can’t miss it.

  
This kiss is everything their kisses that same afternoon were _not_ \- there’s fever in it, and a desire to dominate, almost to hurt.

  
_Why is she here at all? What was the urgency that prompted her to come and search for him? His anger towards his own mother, ultimately towards himself, his inability to see things outside those old patterns - him embodying the First order, standing against them, the essence of the Resistance._

  
But it’s almost impossible to think clearly when his rough, hot tongue is playing with her nipple.

  
Rey steps out of her body, forcing herself to feel alert again.

  
Her heart goes cold and she opens her eyes, and looks down at his lips, so warm, so full, traveling from her bare breasts to her navel with determination and undeniable wish to possess.

  
_This is Kylo Ren kissing me,_ Rey thinks and her arms in his hair freeze, her body already limp.

  
It takes him a while to notice the change in her.

  
“Rey?” he whispers, pulling back and searching for her eyes.

  
“No,” she says, pushing him away only lightly, for he’s already rolled away from her, heavily breathing.

  
She’s back on her feet in a fraction of a second, collecting her clothes from the floor, throwing one of the towels back to him and trying not to look at him at the same time.

_One last longing look._

  
“No,” she repeats, shaking her head. “Thousand times no.”

  
There’s no anger and no resentment in her voice - just determination with which she closes the door to his chambers behind her.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am late with this promised update, but as it usually is, life happened and the rest is history.
> 
> This chapter, among others to come, is why this work is rated mature, so if you're not up to that kind of reading, consider yourselves warned ;) 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos, you're all my reason to be here :)


	8. The yellow heart of jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His jealousy is a yellow, pulsating heart, warming the air around her. It annoys her immensely, and it pleases her to see him out in the open, so vulnerable, so human.
> 
> Still she thinks he deserves punishment.
> 
> She’s not entirely sure of this anger of hers, for her eyes are focused on his full lips, on those eyes scorching her heart, but she wouldn’t be Rey if she would give in easily.
> 
>  
> 
> “You don’t own me! May I remind you I'm here of my own free will and I can leave whenever I like! And I can do what I like with whomever I like! And…and I can hug Finn whenever I feel like it!” she adds indignantly, heavily breathing.
> 
>  
> 
> He makes a reluctant step towards her.
> 
>  
> 
> “Not if you want me to stay sane,” he says ardently.

  
_Maybe she’s really the one who should grow up_ , Rey thinks, staring at the wall of her fresher.

  
She’s been there for what feels like an eternity, enduring the prickly cold water that makes her skin buzz, long after she cried her heart out.

Whatever’s left of her is something hollow and hopeless.

  
This crazy idea - she and Ben, on their way to the light - sounded so fabulous, so tangible back then, right after they fought off Snoke’s Praetorian guard, when they were still riding high on adrenaline and everything was within reach.

  
_Just the two of them, bringing order into the chaos._

  
So far they haven’t even managed to bring any order into their own relationship.

  
His old ways are doubly disappointing now, and his readiness to go back to them is disturbing. It feels like falling back, way behind where they were before.

  
And any step forward is like pushing a stone up a hill.

  
The ache in the pit of her stomach is acute, her skin unsated, disloyally craving his touch.

  
She gets out of the fresher and towels her body dry with harsh movements, staring at her own reflection.

Her lower lip is still swollen. A not so subtle reminder of her turbulent evening.

  
_Get the grip, Rey, this is not why you’re here_.

  
The night was sleepless and the morning came too soon, but she still gets up and mechanically puts her old clothes on.

  
Her way too empty bed is a silent witness of her inner struggle - the sheets on it crumpled, the pillowcase wet.

  
She’s far from rested and the day stretching ahead of her, the day when they’re supposed to start touring, looms over her with its row of endless, miserable hours.

  
She remembers with a dull heartache how much she was looking forward to that.

  
And now the very idea of it seems like a prolonged torture.

 

  
________________________

 

She briskly walks towards the former throne room for the scheduled briefing, walking past Brice, the knight on duty. Then she abruptly stops and backpedals towards the girl.

Brice is eyeing her suspiciously, but says nothing.

  
“Hi,” Rey says uncertainly.

  
Brice nods curtly.

  
“I…I’m sorry I left without a word the other day, but you caught me off guard. I was wondering…would you like to train with me again one of these days?”

  
“If you dare,” Brice says and chuckles shortly and then immediately resumes her officious air.

  
Rey smiles.

  
_Make friends, Rey, not enemies,_ she reminds herself.

  
“Of course I do. I’ll hold you to that,” she says and moves on in the direction of the throne room.

  
The corridors of Supremacy are empty at this hour and she almost runs along them, eager to get this over with.

  
_Facing Ben. Facing Kylo._

  
This is the morning after she drew some lines between them - necessary, but painful nevertheless. And now she needs to be strong enough and stick to them.

  
As she expected he’s already there, in the company of General Hux and a bunch of high-ranking officers.

  
The talk stops when she comes in, but she holds those stares and lifts her chin as she looks around.

  
She purposefully avoids Ben’s eyes and yet, even skimming over his face tells her more than she wants to know.

  
_He hasn’t slept either,_ she thinks, not failing to notice how the circles underneath his eyes match the color of his clothes.

  
“Any news on the Outer rim situation?” she asks General Hux and he glances slyly towards Ben before he starts reporting on the necessity of seeing to it himself.

  
_Securing the safety of the convoys is his priority_ , he says.

  
Ben looks through her when she asks him about his opinion, but Hux’s eagerness to attend to it personally makes Rey instantly suspicious.

  
“We’re expecting General Dameron later today. He would hopefully be able to shed a new light on the Outer rim situation,” Rey says firmly, looking again at Ben for support.

  
His face is still very much dark and unreadable.

General Hux’s is an epitome of dissatisfaction.

  
“I’m sure we’re able to solve this without the contribution of the rebel… of the former Resistance,” he says impatiently.

  
“We’ll wait,” Ben says and starts towards the door with the air of man who can’t wait to get out of that room. “Are you coming?” he says harshly when he passes her by.

  
Rey follows him toward the hangar in silence that he doesn’t break even when a few knights join them on their way to the ship.

Among them Annanda is the only one still eyeing her suspiciously, the rest of them immediately assume the air of indifference.

  
Rey gives up on any attempt of small talk with anyone, takes a place at the back of the ship that Ben himself pilots and tries to catch on her sleep for there’s nothing else to do but wait.

 

  
___________________________

 

  
She can’t remember much of those visits. Hyperspace jumps are exhausting, and the fatigue is settling in her bones.

She mechanically fixes a smile on her face as she stands next to Ben, shaking hands with politicians who talk about their own hopes and wishes.

  
Those are rushed visits, filled with stiff words and lots of flattery for their idea that is still gaining ground way too slowly.

  
_Peace, prosperity, Galactic union_ ring around her in different languages with less zeal than she expected.

  
Maybe because some of them heard it all already and lived to see how these recycled ideas don’t always work in reality.

  
Maybe because she and Ben are in such a dissonance, she finds it difficult to muster any enthusiasm for anything anymore for he’s back to being just Kylo and resembles a black hole sucking the light out of the day.

  
They stand next to each other, just like in those holos they sent out prior to their visits, but they might as well be light years away from each other for the gap between them by the end of the day feels insurmountable.

__________________________

 

When they finally dock back to Supremacy, Poe and Finn are already standing there, next to their ship, surrounded by the stormtroopers, facing General Hux.

  
The pure rage Rey feels at that moment is enhanced by the frustration that piled up during that day.

  
She darts to them, attempting to hug them both at the same time and growls at General Hux that his hostility towards their guest is highly unnecessary.

  
Ben is a passive observer of her actions giving her nothing, except the grey wall of indifference.

  
She could use a friendly face these days and she is lucky enough to get two tonight.

  
That’s the only thing she allows herself to think.

  
When she finally unglues herself from them, the stormtroopers are already marching out of the hangar and Ben’s dark figure is way ahead of them.

  
“Don’t mind him,” Rey quips. “He’s just having a bad day.”

  
“Every day with him around must be a bad day,” Finn says and Rey doesn’t object, although she feels a jolt in her heart at the unfairness of that statement.

  
In a sudden moment of epiphany, she can see herself and Ben from the outside, as they might appear to Poe and Finn: unwilling allies, tolerating each other because it’s prudent and necessary.

  
Also because the other one is too strong to be obliterated just like that.

  
Ben stands in the kitchen when she comes in with her friends, his face seemingly calm and neutral.

Still, on seeing them all together, and as Rey feels in her guts, on seeing _her_ smile so brightly, his eyes widen and darken at the same time. For a moment he seems as if someone knocked the air out of his lungs and he’s trying to catch a breath.

Poe and Finn stand uncertainly at the door but then he nods to both of them.

  
“I hope you will find your stay with _us_ satisfying,” he says quietly.

There’s that “ _us_ ” again, thinks Rey and to her own surprise, she feels she still likes it.

  
The table is set for four and he motions them to sit down.

  
They do, but they stay alert, as if they can’t trust the air, the food, or their hosts.

The abundance of food on the table draws attention and Finn looks coldly at Rey and raises his eyebrows, and then pushes his plate away.

  
Ben acts unaffected by this, fiddling with a tall glass of wine.

  
“What are the results of your findings, General Dameron?”

  
Poe glances impishly towards Rey.

If they were anywhere else than here, on Supremacy, he’d probably make fun of Ben’s officious tone, but he’s already been at Ben’s mercy once and this time not even he dares to act imprudently and endanger their already fragile truce.

  
“Unsatisfying,” he says with a ring of truth in his voice. “Whoever the attackers on your convoys are, they came out of nowhere and disappeared unobserved. Neither us, nor our allies have the means to accomplish anything like that at the moment, even if we wanted to.”

  
Despite the light tone of his voice, there’s a deeper meaning in his words.

  
The Resistance and their allies are already decimated. An action of that magnitude is beyond their capability at this moment.

  
Ben seems to understand for once what Poe’s saying.

  
“Any lone gunners among you?” he asks just in case.

  
“That would normally be me,” Poe replies bravely. “And it didn’t even occur to me to undermine your efforts here, not now, when you finally seem to be on to something valuable for everyone,” he says.

  
“We’ll have to get to the bottom of this,” Ben says thoughtfully and then turns to Finn.

  
“And why are _you_ here?” he asks, glaring openly at him.

  
_If he even blinks in Finn’s direction, I’ll fight him here, on this table_ , Rey thinks, taking a deep breath to steady herself, very much aware of the darkness rolling away from Ben, engulfing the space around them.

  
Finn is at a loss for words, surprised Ben addressed him at all.

  
The unpleasant silence hangs among them, and both Poe and Finn look as if they’re fervently trying to find a neutral conversation topic, but then Finn takes Jedi books out of his duffel bag and hands them to Rey.

  
“I brought you your books,” he says, regaining his voice.

  
Her face lights up and she hungrily skims through ancient pages and then she leans over the table and puts her hand on Finn's upper arm.

  
“Thank you for thinking about it,” she says.

  
Ben winces almost imperceptibly, his gloved hand tightening around his glass.

  
Rey expects it to fall into million pieces any time now underneath the pressure of his large fingers.

  
Poe takes the initiative of trying to engage Ben in a conversation and starts asking technical questions about the ship.

  
“Would you like to look around?” Ben asks getting up, not waiting for Poe’s answer. “You had no time for any sightseeing the last time we met,” he adds and Poe’s lips quirk into a sarcastic smile.

  
“I was kind of busy trying to escape from you,” he says, holding Ben’s gaze.

  
“I assure you I won’t stop you from leaving this time,” Ben says stiffly and motions him to go and look around.

  
Finn looks after them, rolling his eyes.

  
“Well if there’s something I don’t need is the tour of Supremacy,” he says.

  
For a brief moment Rey feels Ben’s rage rising and takes a deep breath and braces herself for his outburst, but it never comes. Instead Ben goes quickly out into the corridor, not waiting for Poe.

Poe looks apologetically at Rey, his impish smile mixture of sympathy and martyrdom.

  
As soon as they both go out, Finn turns anxiously to her.

  
“We need to talk. Not here. Somewhere private.”

  
Rey gathers her books and gives Finn a sign with her head to follow her into her chambers.

  
“I thought you were sleeping with him,” Finn says upon closing the door behind them. “What is he to you now anyway? A boyfriend? An ally? Your own private Supreme Leader?”

  
“What is it to you ?” Rey says, sounding offended. The truth is she can’t put words on anything anymore and since her own feelings confuse her, the words she finds are never enough.

  
“I’m only worried about you, Rey. We all are,” he says soberly.

  
“I’m fine, stop fretting. I am not a prisoner here,” she says, her voice lightly trembling.

  
_Only a prisoner of my own heart._

  
“I’m still Rey and he’s …well, he’s _just Ben_.”

  
_Except when he is Kylo. And I don’t know how to deal with that._

  
“I just miss you, Rey, that’s all.”

  
Finn sighs and she goes over to him and hugs him tightly. The familiarity of Finn makes her so nostalgic for the way she was back then, before she knew about any of this, before she met Ben and let him pervade every pore of her being.

  
“I miss you, too,” she says.

  
She holds Finn tight and closes her eyes, chasing the thought of Ben from her mind, but the energy level surrounding them peaks so suddenly she knows he’s using the Force to be there, in her chambers, with them.

She stubbornly keeps her eyes closed, refusing to see Ben hovering in the background.

  
“I miss you, all of you. But this is necessary and I will stay here as long as it’s needed. This can’t last forever.”

  
Finn lets go of her and searches for her eyes. She glances over his shoulder at Ben fading away with a dark expression on his face.

  
“You don’t know the half of what’s happening in the Galaxy,” Finn says suddenly. “Your “just Ben” is doing things behind your back. He and Hux dispatched stormtroopers to kill the mutiny on Byblos and re-institute the former dictator Lev. The enemies of the First order are still being harshly dealt with.”

  
“That can’t be true,” she says, her eyes wide.

  
But she is not so sure anymore.

  
What if Ben was really playing her all this time? It’s true she hasn’t been present at ever single briefing Ben and General Hux had, so is she really as informed as she likes to think?

  
What if she was blinded by this impossible love?

  
The worst thing is that deep down in her heart she knows Kylo is capable of this kind of treachery and once again she feels small and insignificant.

 

  
_________________________

 

 

When she and Finn emerge from her chamber, Ben and Poe are already back at the table.

Poe’s gaze is curious, a half-smile lingering on his lips. Whatever he’s seen or heard here on Supremacy must have cheered him up.

  
Ben is a dark shadow spelling reproach.

  
Poe repeats to her how he agrees in the name of the former Resistance to accept General Hux’ help in investigating the recent attack.

  
_Or is simply forced to accept_ , Rey thinks but in any case that sounds like a step in the right direction.

  
The guests soon get ready to leave, and Rey sees them down to the aircraft and gives them long hugs.

  
“Remember, I am a blink of an eye away, if you need me,” Finn says seriously.

  
She stands there long after they’re gone, hugging herself, looking longingly after them, her eyes watery and itchy.

The last thing she wants to do that night is deal with the dark shadow waiting for her at the entrance to the corridor, so she goes past him without any words.

There are a few idle employees on the platform, probably more curious about this unexpected visit than she likes them to be, and she can see General Hux behind the glass on the upper platform looking down on them.

  
“Rey,” Ben growls after her and she turns swiftly to him.

  
“I don’t want to talk to you,” she spits at him. “You couldn’t even give me that, a few moments of privacy with my friend? What am I to you? Just a tool to achieve your twisted goals?”

  
If look could scorch, she would've been reduced to cinders.

  
Those few employees disperse in a hurry along the empty, shiny corridor.

  
Ben seems to be at loss for words for once, but she wouldn’t have given him a chance to answer her rhetorical questions even if he wanted to.

The rage wants out and for once, she does nothing to stop herself.

  
“I am not your property to be disposed of any way you like it! I am not your puppet to be shown around for political influence while you’re dispatching stormtroopers behind my back!” she yells at him and turns to leave but he quickly catches her hand.

  
“I thought you left me….I thought you left with him,” he says, dark pits of anguish glaring at her from where his eyes used to be.

His scar is darker and deeper and shines with sweat.

His fingers, clasped around her wrist, are cold and tight, but she uses the Force to set herself free.

  
This has to stop, this controlling behavior of his, trying to cut her from her friends - it has to end. A tiny voice in her brain says he didn’t do anything - she cut herself from her friends because she was too focused on Ben, but she brushes those doubtful thoughts away.

  
She’s ready to fight him, but this is the face of dread and one look at it silences her.

  
“I wanted to tear the ship apart and send him into space.”

  
It takes her a while to grasp what he’s saying.

  
His jealousy is a yellow, pulsating heart, warming the air around her. It annoys her immensely, and it pleases her to see him out in the open, so vulnerable, so human.

Still she thinks he deserves punishment.

She’s not entirely sure of this anger of hers, for her eyes are focused on his full lips, on those eyes scorching her heart, but she wouldn’t be Rey if she would give in easily.

  
“You don’t own me! May I remind you I'm here of my own free will and I can leave whenever I like! And I can do what I like with whomever I like! And…and I can hug Finn whenever I feel like it!” she adds indignantly, heavily breathing.

  
He makes a reluctant step towards her.

  
“Not if you want me to stay sane,” he says ardently.

  
His dark eyes are captivating, she can’t look away.

There’s no anger, no reproach there; just immense anguish and deep loneliness.

  
She sees herself in his mind, her radiant, smiling self, her arms wrapped fondly around Finn, the picture of harmony and understanding, not like the two of them, so unlike Ben or Kylo and Rey.

  
For a brief moment she tries to imagine him with someone else in the same situation - Annanda is naturally her first choice - and her heart starts beating faster.

  
No, she would probably feel the same jealousy and powerlessness at not being an object of your loved one’s attention.

  
That part she understands all too well.

What is still a mystery to her is how she can pine like this for one part of him, and detest the other?

  
Rey takes a deep breath.

  
“I would never leave you without an explanation. Not like that,” she says, trying to sound calm.

  
Ben’s face closes to her once more.

  
“Oh, but you did. You already did,” he says and turns to go, leaving her standing in the middle of the deserted corridor.

  
The motion sensors light his way and when he’s gone, she’s left alone and still in the darkness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos :) I hope to update again very soon.


	9. Ordinary politicians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diplomatic core of the former New Republic, resembling a bunch of giant spring leaves pressed together, all dressed in pastel-colored gowns, is assembled to meet them at the base of the former Senate building.
> 
>  
> 
> It’s safe to say Ben Solo didn’t pick up his fashion sense on Chandrila, Rey thinks, admiring the scenery, but not so much the way Chandrilans dressed.
> 
>  
> 
> The building itself is looming over a giant staircase, the end of which is lost among the pillars.
> 
>  
> 
> Even from the distance, she can pick up the nervous vibes from that group. There are no Force users there, just ordinary people anxious to find out what fate hides in its sleeve for them.
> 
>  
> 
> If any politician anywhere can be called ordinary at all.

  
Through the Force she can feel his angry slashes all night. The Force is merciless tonight and hides nothing.

  
His fury keeps her awake and in her mind’s eye she sees him sweating, his tousled hair flying around him, his rage coming off him in waves and finding its way to her.

  
Each and every one of those thrusts is meant for her.

  
The air in her chamber is red hot, furious like him.

  
It would be so easy to get up and do the same, until her limbs get numb and her brain gets tired of thinking. It would also be easy to go to him, in person, or through the Force, to fight him or finish what they started.

  
But she doesn’t do any of that.

  
She made this decision and however difficult it might be, she has to stick to it.

  
_I have to find the way to control our Force connection,_ she thinks, exhausted, fighting bouts of vertigo caused by the lack of sleep, as well as her own desire to just give up on being so steadfast and crawl back into his arms. And for once in her life let the chips fall where they may.

  
Her headache is splitting, and she gives up on sleep and starts meditating to balance herself.

  
Force cures, she knows.

  
_Maybe cuts and bruises, but not wounds of the heart._

  
The night glides into a bleak morning and she mechanically gets up and gets dressed, because there’s nothing left to do, but go out and face him.

  
It’s the day of the trip to Chandrila, and that alone would be enough to give her jitters.

  
Even back then, when they laid out their plan, this was marked as the turning point, for meeting the rest of the New Republic establishment and getting them to support the Galactic Union means also getting them to acknowledge Ben as the Supreme Leader. At least for the time being.

  
Even though the New Republic in its current state is far from being a threat to anyone, they can still cause damage just by supporting various resistance pockets.

  
And Rey is by now sure that there are those who’d prefer this low intensity conflict to continue. Maybe even escalate - and that would for sure bring them back to the beginning and invalidate all their efforts.

  
But she and Ben need to define what kind of peace they want and what kind of peace they can get and the way things are, she’s not sure they will be on the same page regarding that matter. Or any other matter.

  
How many concessions will he be willing to make to the former enemies? Especially now, when he’s in position to dictate the terms of the treaty?

  
What would be considered fair in Kylo Ren’s world?

  
She has seen his cruelty and indifference, she has seen Kylo’s way, and she still can’t even imagine the outcome.

  
Her jitters intensify.

  
Nobody expects this to be easy, but it would be infinitely easier if she and Ben still were on speaking terms and could advance as a united front.

  
She’s no longer sure of that. She’s no longer sure of anything.

  
A soft knock on the door makes her heart jolt. She takes a deep breath and opens it only to find Brice standing there.

  
“Kylo wanted you for briefing ten minutes ago,” she says.

  
_There are so many other, more efficient ways of communicating this message to me_ , Rey thinks.

  
By sending Brice as his emissary he’s sending Rey a clear message that he doesn’t want to deal with her in person any more than strictly necessary.

  
_And now you get to clean up your own mess._

  
She sighs and smiles at Brice. Her smile is a bit forced, reluctant and makes the other girl frown lightly in response.

  
“Let’s go!”

  
They stride along the buzzing corridors where people run up and down with a sense of purpose.

  
“Are you coming with us?” Rey asks the girl.

  
“No. Some of us are staying here.”

  
“Too bad,” Rey says. “we could’ve trained together on Chandrila. At least I hope I’ll have time to train, since I’ve no clue what to expect,” she adds truthfully.

  
“No worries, I’ll be waiting for you,” Brice says and adds: “Unless you’ve invented this trip just to avoid sparring with me.”

  
They both laugh at that thought and then the door opens in front of them and Rey finds herself staring at Ben’s impassive face.

  
He looks even worse than the night before. His cheekbones are sticking out, casting dark shadows over his haggard face, the black circles underneath his eyes witnesses of a turbulent night.

  
His hair is plastered to his forehead and his lips are jumbling nervously.

  
“You’re late,” he says to both girls and Brice immediately straightens up and salutes him.

  
Rey acts unaffected by his apparent discontent.

  
“What’s the plan?” she asks, standing beside the long work surface with numerous screens, facing him.

  
He updates her on the list of planetary systems that granted them support and informs her that General Hux already departed for the Outer rim where he’s supposed to be joined by General Poe.

  
_Those two working together might turn out be a bigger disaster than the two of us,_ she thinks.

  
“What about Byblos?” she asks suddenly.

  
“What about it?” he squints at her.

  
“I’ve heard there were….problems.”

  
She’s searching his face, trying to determine how much he’s concealing from her. His mind is closed to her and his voice is steady.

  
“Ah, I see. Your rebel friends have used the opportunity to present their side of the story.”

  
“I don’t have _rebel friends_. Just _friends_. Unlike some people,” she adds acidly and he winces almost imperceptibly.

  
Rey bites her lip.

  
_This was below the belt, so undignified!_

  
“Ben,” she starts in a softer tone of voice, and his dark eyes dart to hers immediately. “Was it you who dispatched stormtroopers to deal with the uprising on Byblos?”

  
“No,” he says and pauses. “General Hux dealt with that on his own. Neither of us were available that day,” he says slowly holding her gaze.

  
_Corellia_ flashes in her mind and her heart tightens.

  
_One golden day followed by a spiral of misery._

  
“And you approved of it?”

  
He deliberates over his answer.

  
“What’s done is done. It’s a minor issue in the grand scheme of things. The solution might not be the best and yet, from the strategic point of view, it’s not a bad one, either. We can’t afford to lose control over that quadrant, if we want to secure trade routes.”

  
He sounds beyond irritated by her cross-examination, and in response to that, she presses on.

  
“Why didn’t you tell me?

  
“You didn’t need to know,” he says harshly.

  
“From now on I want to know everything, not just be given selected information,” she retorts, her chin stubbornly jutted out.

  
Her outburst provokes him, she can feel it, but on the surface he looks oddly calm.

  
“Fine. Now to the main point. This negotiation with the Republic representatives can go several ways. I already have an idea what they might ask in return for their support. They will probably try to wear us out with their endless talks and inefficiency. Pack for several days. We’re not getting out of there quickly. Remember to be patient and resilient.”

  
He sounds as if he’s going to war, not to sign a peace treaty.

  
_Kylo Ren is probably indifferent to the fact that meeting people with suspicion usually elicits hostile response._

  
_But Ben should know better!_

  
“What are our trade-offs?” she asks.

  
“Apart from _peace, prosperity and freedom_ , as you usually say?”

  
Rey scowls at him, but refrains from commenting.

  
“A few trade routes that could go over Hanna city if their port still can accommodate convoys our size. We can’t offer much more of the things that might interest them, for the Military Disarmament Act is a closed case as far as I’m concerned.”

  
Rey pinches the bridge of her nose.

  
It was a well known fact throughout the Galaxy that the failure of the Galactic concordance peace treaty was what allowed the Empire to reorganize into the First order and set these events in motion. General Leia Organa warned the Senate against disarmament on numerous occasions, but in vain.

  
It’s now up to Rey, an inexperienced scavenger from Jakku and Leia’s own erratic, unpredictable and occasionally volatile son to patch things up.

  
_It’s a disaster waiting to happen!_

  
“Can we offer them to be the capital city of the New Galactic Union? The union will have to have an assembly and placing those institutions there might assuage their thirst for power.”

  
He turns to her, frowning.

  
“I don’t like that idea. They would probably use it to plot against us. Too many devious politicians at the same place, I’ve already seen it. I grew up among them.”

  
“But, Ben, we have to offer some guarantees. Not long ago the First order destroyed Hosnian prime and killed all hopes for democracy and representation. You are bringing that hope again, whether you’re aware of it or not. History doesn’t have to repeat itself. People learn and evolve and move on.”

  
He takes a step closer, towering over her.

  
“We’ve already had this discussion, Rey. I believe it’s classified under _naivety_ and _inexperience."_

  
“I believe it also goes under the _lack of faith_ in anything and anyone,” she says harshly.

  
His laughter is rich, throaty.

  
“Well, the way things are going between us, you can hardly blame me for not trusting anyone.”

  
This hurts but it’s not unexpected. Or _undeserved_.

  
“I believe we agreed to set aside our mutual differences and work together towards a greater good. When we get down there, we’re still a team, remember! There shouldn’t be any discord between us regarding important issues. And I think politically we could profit from this offer not to mention speed up the process.”

  
He holds her gaze and then slowly nods.

  
“I see. You’re a fast learner. You win. We’re offering them the capital as a part of the deal.”

 

_________________________

 

  
Back in her chamber she starts throwing random items of clothes into a bag she found in the back of her locker.

She finds the place for her Jedi books in that bag as well, for she’d by now rather die than lose those precious scripts.

And then she turns to sleepy Algernon.

  
The tiny gmizard is by now used to curling up and sleeping in the folds of her tunic.

  
“C’mon buddy, we’re going on an adventure. I might even find some fresh food for you,” she whispers to him.

  
When she’s finished packing she slams the door to the almost empty locker. The hem of that ostentatious white gown, hanging lonely on the rack, is sticking out.

  
“I am not leaving you here,” she says grumpily to the dress, throwing it into the bag.

  
Even though she knows only a little about Chandrila, she’s very well aware that Hanna city is still a sophisticated, cultural place and her scavenger clothes won’t be enough for all the occasions.

Besides, something about that elegant dress spells possibilities and she is willing to embrace that idea.

  
But Rey doesn’t dare admit to herself she hopes to wear it because it might make her look good in the eyes of the man she loves.

  
Rey the girl and Rey the aspiring Jedi sometimes try to hide things from one another.

 

________________________

 

General LeKit will be the highest-ranking officer on the Supremacy in their absence and he’s seeing them off from the platform surrounded by several knights of Ren.

  
Officially they’re left behind to help him. Unofficially, they are there to keep an eye on him and make sure nothing unexpected happens while their First Knight negotiates this peace treaty.

  
When Rey enters the ship, she finds several knights occupying most of the places at the back so she sits up front, next to Ben who's again piloting the ship himself. He doesn’t acknowledge her presence, so focused on his task.

  
She watches him, unabashed, enjoying it all - his hands ungloved, the tendons in his arms taut, snaking into the sleeves of his tunic, rolled up to his elbows, his profile sharp against the starry sky, his lips oh so soft.

  
Involuntarily she licks her lips, remembering the taste of him.

  
Her pride and her stubbornness are on the verge of melting away.

  
He glances at her, sensing the change.

  
“Are you talking to me again?” he asks quietly.

  
“ _Officially,_ yes. _Unofficially_ , I’d rather not. Not after… what you did, ” she says indignantly.

  
“I don’t know what I did. You never tell me anything,” he says, not looking at her, seemingly focused on piloting the ship.

  
Rey probes his mind, hoping he won’t notice, being otherwise occupied.

  
There’s genuine confusion there. And there’s pain and longing. But no rage, not towards her in any case.

  
The starry descent into Chandrila’s atmosphere is too short and too smooth to occupy even a less skillful pilot, so he’s fairly attuned to the Force humming between them.

  
“We….we’ll talk,” she stammers. “Let’s just get this over with.”

  
He nods and the ship slides into the docking station.

 

_________________________________

 

  
Upon disembarking Rey looks around an almost empty hangar expecting some kind of official reception, but the place is deserted, except for a few technicians in overalls.

  
There are no ships there. The Republic fleet has been destroyed during the attack on Hosnian prime and what’s left of it has been hidden in the remote planetary systems governed by its allies.

  
Ben stands, tall and dark, in his official uniform with his saber handy when a haggard looking officer approaches and salutes him. The man's uniform seems to be somehow too big for him, as if he’s constantly forced to stretch his limbs to fill it in.

  
“Your Highness -" he starts, almost choking on words, looking flustered.

  
Ben lifts his hand to stop him and the man ducks in fear. The knights exchange glances and then look at Ben for instructions.

  
_It would’ve been comical if the man’s fear weren’t based on stories and legends of Kylo Ren’s mystical powers that can do who knows what to anyone,_ Rey thinks.

  
Ben does look like some sort of a wizard, standing there, amidst his knights, dark and dangerous, owner of the Force very few people know anything about.

  
“Supreme Leader,” he corrects the officer who is slowly coming to, his face a very unhealthy shade of red. “Take me to your superiors.”

  
“Right away, sir,” the man salutes again. “I mean, Supreme Leader, sir.”

  
Ben looks at Rey who is by now about to burst laughing and almost imperceptibly shakes his head in exasperation.

  
At this rate, his already thin patience will be worn out within the first hour of their visit and Rey knows she’ll have to keep an eye on him, for the last thing they need is this to go wrong.

  
The bright Chandrila day stretches ahead of them as they emerge out of the docking station and move over the suspension bridge towards the immense building with a colonnade of pillars and a large, round roof.

There’s blue underneath them and lush green in the distance. And above them the brightest blue sky Rey has ever seen. There are sounds of water and wind, and birds chirping, and her head swipes from side to side, trying not to miss a thing, while minding her step as well.

  
_How can such a marvelous world even exist?_

  
Ben moves ahead of them with a gait of someone who can’t wait to finish the task, but also with an ease of someone who knows his whereabouts.

  
_This is his world, this is the place he grew up in_ , Rey thinks looking at him with renewed interest.

  
As if he can read her mind he half-turns to her and slows down, allowing her to catch up with him.

  
“If there ever was a home…”, he starts and then shuts up, his lips clashing against each other, a mix of emotions fleeting over his face. And the mix of emotions is not something Ben Solo usually puts in words, so Rey gives him a wide berth and doesn't ask him anything.

  
“It’s so beautiful. I don’t think I can find the right words!” she says, overwhelmed.

  
Something about it seems to soften Ben.

  
“I can show you around if we have time,” he says, picking up the pace again.

  
Rey stays a bit behind, giving herself time to look around.

  
She won’t admit it even to herself, but for the briefest moment she could see the two of them, living in this incredibly beautiful place, together.

  
And a vision like that, however fleeting and impossible it might be, is bound to leave a trail of hope.

 

_________________

 

The diplomatic core of the former New Republic, resembling a bunch of giant spring leaves pressed together, all dressed in pastel-colored gowns, is assembled to meet them at the base of the former Senate building.

  
_It’s safe to say Ben Solo didn’t pick up his fashion sense on Chandrila_ , Rey thinks, admiring the scenery, but not so much the way Chandrilans dressed.

  
The building itself is looming over a giant staircase, the end of which is lost among the pillars.

  
Even from the distance, she can pick up the nervous vibes from that group. There are no Force users there, just ordinary people anxious to find out what fate hides in its sleeve for them.

  
If any politician anywhere can be called ordinary at all.

  
There’s a moment when the dark procession consisting of a few stormtroopers, knights and their leader comes to a halt and eyes them suspiciously. For a moment Rey considers stepping between the two groups to prevent any misunderstanding, but the former Republic officials bow their heads, say their welcomes and the group part to let the newcomers pass on their way up the staircase.

  
“Welcome, Supreme Leader and….Rey of the Resistance. Honorable knights,” a man hurries towards them and greets them bowing his bald head down slightly. A pair of sly eyes peeks underneath his meaty eyelids.

  
“Senator Ro-Kiintor,” Ben nods at him curtly.

  
The man, encouraged by being acknowledged and recognized, openly sizes Ben up and down and continues to stare at him intensely.

  
“I dare say you have grown, Master Ben,” he says amiably, but upon hearing Ben’s low, exasperated growl, he corrects himself. “Pardon me, your Grace. I am forgetting myself for I’ve known you for a long time.”

  
“You mean you’ve known _of me_ , Senator,” Ben retorts and moves on towards a middle-aged woman who's greeting him with a mild smile.

  
“Senator Lerona Lylin, at your service,” she says, bowing her head slightly. “And this is Major Lonno Deso,” she introduces an older officer standing next to her. The older man salutes, but says nothing.

  
“The honor and the responsibility for the outcome of these negotiations has been bestowed on us,” Senator Lylin says officially.

  
Rey feels Ben’s fatigue soaking the air around him.

Everything he hated about his childhood, everything that deprived him of his mother’s love and attention has come back to haunt him.

  
Senator Ro-Kiintor joins them in climbing the stairway, talking incessantly about the history of the place, dropping names of the officers of the First order he personally knows, stories intertwined with frequent mentioning of good old times when he was a _big thing_.

  
The stairway is endless but Ben’s patience is not.

  
He makes an almost imperceptible movement with his hand and as a result, the man starts coughing and gasping for air, which ultimately makes him fall out of step with Ben.

  
_He’s a ticking bomb_ , Rey thinks, hurrying up to him.

  
“Are you all right?” she asks barely audibly.

  
“I’ve been better,” he says in a strained voice.

  
They’re almost on top of the stairway, when they notice a larger group of people in light-colored gowns waiting for them by the giant pillars.

The crowd parts to let a single person pass and Rey gasps and stumbles over the last steps.

  
Surrounded by the officials and selected commoners, wearing her old white dress, with her hair braided in a crown, Princess Leia is waiting for them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's still reading this and especially to those who are kind enough to leave me feed-back.
> 
> I have outlined the next two chapters at the beginning of working on this fanfic for they're IMO the pivotal point in this story.
> 
> After nine chapters Rey should be more assertive and capable of getting into the political games as Ben's (or Kylo's, if you prefer) equal. 
> 
> She is also forced to face the fact that he is still very much Kylo and it will be interesting to see if she would manage to achieve that much needed equipoise in their relationship.
> 
> I honestly hope I managed to show all this in the story and that's why I am sort of depending on my readers' feed-back, for any writer's mind is a jumbled place and what works fine up there, might not work at all on the paper/screen :)


	10. I'll keep you whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey sneaks her hand in his large, gloved palm and he squeezes it back in response.
> 
>  
> 
> I’ll keep you whole, Rey wants to say. I won’t let them break you.

  
The only idea in Rey’s head is how to prevent Ben from falling into pieces right there, on that stairway.

  
In her mind’s eye she almost sees him disintegrating in front of everybody, his stunned expression conveying the ultimate defeat, his accusing eyes somehow still looking around.

  
_Here I am, undone - I hope you all are happy now!_

  
But Ben stoically climbs those last few steps, even though moving as if in slow-motion, his limbs heavy, his face beyond pale, his fervent eyes locked with his mother’s.

  
Rey sneaks her hand in his large, gloved palm and he squeezes it back in response.

  
_I’ll keep you whole_ , Rey wants to say. _I won’t let them break you._

  
They are being ambushed and Rey struggles to grasp the reason behind it.

  
_Should I have known about this, should I have guessed they will go this way?_

  
The very fact that Princess Leia, who is also General Organa of the former Resistance, who is also the estranged mother of the Supreme Leader, will be included in the negotiations, strikes Rey more like an attempt to further destabilize the man on whose whim depends the outcome of this whole enterprise, than a well-thought-out plan.

  
Unless the leftovers of the New Republic political establishment deemed Leia’s presence to give them additional leverage, in which case they acted oblivious to her history with her son.

  
Unless they thought Ben Solo was _saved_ , turned back to light just because he’s about to give up on the First order’s dominion and is trying to build a new Galactic Union, that may or may not avoid the fallacies of its political predecessors.

  
In which case, Rey fears it, they would come to feel the wrath of the new Supreme Leader.

  
There’s so much wrong in this scheme, but what gives her hope is that Ben’s gaze remains locked with Leia’s and that his steps don’t falter.

  
“ _Mother,_ ” Ben says barely audibly, stopping just below that last step.

His grip on Rey’s fingers tightens and she almost winces in pain.

  
Leia looks at her son not blinking as if she’s trying to tell him something.

  
And then the clamor of the people around them dies out, along with any other surrounding noise and there’s just a shrill sound that sears into Rey's brain.

  
In a fraction of a second that, too, disappears, and there’s only silence, a deep, immeasurable silence in which the three of them stand alone, seeing only one another and Rey knows they’re united in the Force.

  
Ben’s eyes never leave her mother’s, and Rey probes around him trying to assess his mood, but there’s nothing there. She can’t get any separate Force reading from him, for the Force is everywhere around them, uniting them, and enveloping them like a thick shroud.

  
“ _Meet me in our house_ ,” Leia says in a clear, unnatural Force voice that rings around them, even though her lips are not moving.

  
The ringing in Rey’s ears is gone, along with that ghastly stillness and the buzz of the crowd surrounding them fills the air again.

  
Senator Ro-Kiintor uses their standstill to finally catch up. His shrill voice is percolating from behind them, a waterfall of words interspersed by heavy breathing.

  
“…so, we were thinking you would be happy to be reunited with your mother in such a glorious moment in your lives….”

  
Ben looks as if he’s forcibly awoken and almost imperceptibly nods to Leia to acknowledge he understood her message.

Rey’s hand is still trapped in his, and she tries to wiggle her fingers, not entirely sure all of them will make it out in one piece.

 

 

______________________

 

 

 

“This is not going to get us anywhere,” Ben says to Rey under his breath, but glaring not so subtly at Senator Ro-Kiintor, who seemed to be only in the middle of his opening speech.

The ageing man is occasionally wiping his bald pate and licking his lips, but after two hours of talking about Chandrila’s history and the great days of the Republic he hasn’t even touched upon the conditions of forming the New Union, Chandrilan stand on that, or any possible demands in exchange for their support.

  
They have been ushered into the hall of the former Senate building to take up their places in the center of the floor, surrounded by rows of rising seats, occupied by the rest for the diplomatic core and commoners.

  
The appointed trilateral delegation, headed by Senator Lylin, comprised as well Senator Ro-Kiintor and Major Deso, while General Organa acted only as a joined member and didn’t actively participate in the talks.

  
Ben hasn't even looked at his mother once ever since they entered the hall, but Rey could feel his tension and was determined not to leave him out of her sight.

  
Although the way things are now, she should stop worrying about Ben lashing out on anyone, but instead just make sure to nudge him once in a while to make sure he’s still awake, for the monotonous voice of the old Chandrilan politician has even made her yawn a couple of times.

  
During Senator Ro-Kiintor’s talk she was scanning her surroundings, analyzing how the sly politician was catering to people’s expectations.

  
Chandrilan political establishment, eager for acknowledgement of their special status and importance, heartily welcomed the new Supreme Leader of the First order, the same order that annihilated their fleet just a few weeks ago, deeming this visit to be useful for their political agenda.

  
Simply said: he came to them.

  
In their intricate political schemes that must have given them an initial advantage over any other planetary system in the Galaxy and opened the door to further concessions.

  
The success in enlisting General Organa for their cause surely added to that exaggerated self-importance.

  
But General Organa doesn’t even try to hide her disdain for her former Senator colleague; it’s written all over her face.

  
_A striking family resemblance,_ Rey thinks, glancing at Ben, whose expression mirrors his mother’s.

  
By the mercy of the Force, the Senator wraps up his speech and announces the midday break.

  
He hurries towards Ben and Rey before they even get up to stretch their legs.

  
“The official banquet will be held in the reception hall and then we can resume our talks in the afternoon. And tonight you are cordially invited at the dinner party at my house. The palatial quarters have been made ready for you at the Republic Palace,” he says in his high-pitched, insistent voice.

  
“We have other plans for lunch, thank you very much,” Ben replies quickly, the tone of his voice not inviting any objections. He’s already ushering Rey out of the hall, not looking back.

  
“But, I have made plans….” the Senator starts, but the rest of his voice gets lost in the clamor.

 

 

________________________

 

 

The speeders that have been provided for them, once upon a time served as the official means of transportation of the former Chandrilan house and seem outdated and a bit shaky, but still somehow work.

  
Rey tries to look around, so eager to see more of the breathtaking nature she only had a glimpse of, but everything’s simply flying by, for they’re riding too fast. They’re still within city limits, even though the houses with lush greenery behind tall garden walls are scarce and the view of the sea blinds her, reflecting bright sunshine.

  
Ben is as silent as the grave and she doesn’t even know where to start, for there are so many things she wants to discuss with him.

  
She’s puzzled by his mute acceptance of General Organa’s demand to meet them. It’s so unlike him not to protest, so she’s still waiting, fearing his delayed reaction.

  
They soon stop in front of a remote house whose garden walls are entirely covered with greenery. Tops of tall trees protrude above them and stretch into Chandrilan incessant sky.

The house itself, looking cozy despite not being spacious, is the bright spot in the magnitude of the colored life in the garden.

  
Rey is bewitched by the scent and the warmth of the mild sun, so unlike harsh Jakku sunshine, but she has no time to enjoy the sight, for the knights arrive immediately after them, followed by a few vehicles with stormtroopers.

  
Supreme Leader of the Galaxy is not leaving their safety to chance.

As the knights and stormtroopers position themselves around the perimeter, Rey allows herself to be lost in this exuberant world around her.

  
“I’ve never imagined such a place could exist,” she says to Ben, not taking her eyes of the garden at the end of which she glimpses the liquid silver surface.

  
For a briefest of moments the Force reminds her of her vision back in the hut, when they touched hands. She saw the two of them together, but didn’t see their surroundings.

The vision repeats itself in her mind, and she sees them in this garden, holding hands on this very spot. She turns to look at him and finds him already gazing at her with a peculiar tender expression in his dark eyes.

  
_He feels it, too,_ Rey thinks, and makes a tiny step towards him, but then General Organa arrives in a speeder of her own, jumps out of it with a surprising agility and motions them to follow her into the house.

 

________________________

 

  
“Why are you here, _Mother?_ ”

  
Ben’s pacing up and down in front of Leia and Rey, seated together on an old, but snug sofa.

The house is furnished with homey furniture and Rey thinks she can sense Leia’s hand everywhere: from the choice of cushions to the large skylight in the living room, offering that round room unprecedented luster.

The view from the living room over Silver sea instantly takes her breath away.

  
The silence among them is only occasionally broken by the low buzzing of the circuits of the old housekeeping droid Leia activated.

  
“Why am I here? Because those old fools think they’d appease you and get a better deal if they have me in their ranks. That’s how little they know about you,” she says calmly.

  
“I’m surprised to find you standing shoulder to shoulder with Senator Ro-Kiintor,” Ben spits his words at her.

Leia looks at him, exasperated.

  
“You of all people should know better than to believe the appearance! Among the reasons he wanted me here was to witness the triumph of his politics over mine. I can’t stand the sight of that centrist snake!” Leia spits.

  
Ben is silent but something in his face changes.

  
“What do you want from me? It’s a cheep trick to choose our family house as the venue for our meeting, when we could’ve just as well done it in the city,” he says icily.

  
“It’s the only building where we can talk freely. Nobody bothered to place the bugs in here, for it has been deserted for all these years.”

  
He crosses his arms over his chest and glances towards Rey.

  
The pleading in her eyes must be palpable for he takes a deep breath and puffs exasperated.

  
“I am listening, General Organa,” he says finally.

  
_Are you really, Ben_? Rey almost asks him out loud.

  
The Force in him is in disarrange, scrambled and she can’t get any definite emotion out of her reading.

  
Leia talks fast, as if afraid he’d turn around and stop listening, her arguments sharp, unbending.

  
The evidence against Senator Ro-Kiintor's treason and his incessant efforts of undermining the New Republic, found in the Hevurian Grace’s navicomputer, are too heavy to be ignored.

  
Rey has a feeling Ben already knows what Leia's about to say, but he still listens attentively, his eyes unreadable, and yet nevertheless, so thoughtful.

  
“He will try to manipulate you for his personal gain. But he will also do whatever he can to place Chandrila in a position that will tip the balance towards their dominance in the Galaxy. At this moment they are not very fond of your new Galactic Union for they haven’t secured their position in it.”

  
“We plan to offer them the capital,” Rey interjects.

  
“I’m afraid, my dear, even that won’t be enough. This is a dirty game and since the rules are ever changing, the Chandrilans are prone to bending them in their own favor. Ro-Kiinto won’t stop at anything to increase his influence. He wants his pay off, Ben. And he wants it from you.”

  
“You should also remember where I stand now, _Mother_ ,” Ben retorts, the Force around him spiking with annoyance. “Senator Ro-Kiinto was our ally all along and he served us well. You of all people must know that,” he adds acidly.

  
“That’s exactly why he expects a reward from you! He considers your coming here to be a perfect opportunity for him to assert his influence on you and he can’t hide his gleam of triumph. An allegiance sometimes costs more than you are willing to pay. I wish I knew those things when I got into politics. I had to learn the hard way. I’m here to warn you for you’ve already had enough hardships.”

  
“I don’t need your help. I didn’t need it for a long time now.”

His stubborn eyes bore into hers.

  
“Maybe not you _personally_. But your endeavor needs allies,” she says mildly.

  
“May I remind you the military power in the Galaxy is on our side.”

  
“What are you going to do? Destroy Chandrila like you destroyed Hosnian Prime?” she asks harshly and he winces.

  
Rey could almost see the words _It wasn’t me_ forming in his mind, but they never reach his lips.

  
He turns to Leia and cocks his head, his eyes gleaming.

  
“You knew they were prone to double-crossing, so why did you agree to be here in the first place?”

  
_He really hears her_ , Rey thinks, overwhelmed by a wave of hope.

  
If there ever was a look comprising all the possible love in the universe it’s the one Leia gives to him.

  
“Because of _you._ Because you’re doing something worth backing up. And I will do everything in my power to help you achieve it.”

  
“Even after everything I've done?” Ben asks quietly, a shadow of doubt fleeting over his face.

  
“Oh, Ben,” Leia sighs, but doesn’t move closer to him to give him a hug even though her arms twitch for just a second.

  
He probably wouldn’t have allowed it anyway.

  
“We were _both_ always on your side. We just didn’t know how to deal with challenges, how to help you fight Snoke’s influence. And now you’re finally free of him. Use your freedom wisely.”

  
There’s a moment of absolute silence among them, so similar to that shared split second in the Force, and then Leia gets up to go.

  
On her way to the door she stops in front of Ben, as close to him as she dares at that moment.

  
“I know you don’t want my forgiveness so I am not offering it to you. The only person whose forgiveness you need is yours. Now, I will not impose my presence anymore,” she says, nodding in his direction and giving Rey a quick hug.

  
“And about that situation in the Outer rim: if you’re looking for someone who’s sabotaging your endeavors, maybe you should look closer to home. In whose interest is that you fail?”

 

  
____________________________

 

 

 

Her warning words linger behind her long after she’s gone.

Rey sits back on the sofa, massaging absentmindedly her bruised fingers , while Ben resumes pacing up and down with his hands crossed behind his back.

  
He glances at Rey a few times, catching the rhythmical movements of her fingers in his peripheral vision and then, looking as if something suddenly dawned on him, comes to sit next to her, and leans down to inspect her injuries.

  
“Does it hurt when you bend your fingers?” he asks, taking his gloves off, and lifting her hand up to the light to better assess the damage.

  
“It’s nothing,” Rey says, but doesn’t attempt to take her fingers out of his.

  
“I’m sorry,” he says, and for a moment looks as if he would bend down to kiss her fingers, but then straightens up quickly.

  
Rey shakes her head immediately and gets up.

  
“It’s really nothing. We have much bigger problems to deal with here.”

  
“Tell me about it!” Ben leans his head back on the headrest, his lids half-closed.

  
He’s a dark spot in a sunshine filled living room and he frowns a bit, squinting at the skylight above their heads.

  
“How long is it since you last slept?” Rey asks.

  
He’s silent for a long moment and Rey feels as if he’s carefully choosing his words, deliberating their implication.

  
And she knows very well why.

  
“Days….before _that night_ ,” he says quietly and then looks at her.

  
_The night I stormed out of his chamber swearing I would never touch him again,_ Rey thinks, avoiding his gaze.

  
“You should take a nap before we go back,” Rey says.

  
“I don’t want to go back,” he says, sighing heavily.

  
The eyes of a brooding boy stare back at her - a boy rebelling against school.

  
She never had a chance to go to school, but she’s sure she would've excelled in attendance.

  
“Then don’t,” she says. “Stay here and get some sleep. I’ll go back and attend the afternoon’s meeting for both of us. That is if you trust me,” she adds uncertainly.

  
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t trust you, Rey,” he says, the tone of his voice containing a tad of reproach. “Are you serious?” he asks, suddenly getting up.

  
“Yes. I’ll wake you up when I get back and we can go to that dinner party or whatever they have planned for us.”

  
The overwhelming fatigue she felt back there in the former Senate lifted off during Leia’s visit and she feels invigorated enough to deal with Chandrilan political establishment on her own.

  
“Or don’t go back there at all,” Ben says, a shrewd expression on his face. “Who says we have to attend that party? Or sleep in the Palace? We can stay here, out of Ro-Kiintor’s reach. If Leia’s right, the quarters assigned to us are probably heavily bugged.”

  
The plan is forming in their heads and Rey likes it.

  
Spend the night in his childhood house, together, without any outside interference, far from political intrigues and schemes they are forced to deal with.

  
_Talk._

  
Finally talk, possibly clear up all the misunderstandings between them, not just the recent one.

  
She likes it.

  
She likes it a lot.

 

______________________________

 

 

There are a few things on her to-do list before she leaves and the first one is finding some food.

  
The scavenger in her always gets restless with the approach of the night if the evening meal hasn’t been secured.

  
It’s difficult to let the old habits die. Also impractical since their last meal was a hurried breakfast back on Supremacy.

  
She opens the long row of cupboards in the kitchen and probably doesn’t find cobwebs there only because the housekeeping droid has been efficient despite being out of function for a long time.

  
Ben is leaning on the doorframe, blinking slowly at her.

  
“Nobody lived in this house for ages. There are no provisions here,” he says between two yawns.

  
“Since when has that been a problem? You rest, I’ll scavenge something to eat,” she says.

  
He laughs at her words, his face brightening up for a second and then looks at her a bit startled, as if checking again if his reaction is all right with her.

  
_There's that glance again,_ she thinks, smiling back at him on her way out of the house.

  
The knights guarding the front gate do not seem overly enthusiastic when she tells them to call for a backup from Supremacy.

  
She summons the rest of them from the back and stands up on the porch, so that everybody can see her.

  
“Since I will be away for the rest of the afternoon, and possibly a good portion of the evening, I want double guards on every entrance and make sure you stay alert.”

  
Trying not to be disconcerted by their suspicious looks, she doesn’t rest her eyes on anyone in particular.

  
“I have to hear it from Supreme Leader,” Annanda says, trying to look around Rey.

  
Rey immediately steps down, closer to her.

  
“You are hearing it from _me_. I don’t want anyone snooping around here while I’m gone.”

  
Annanda looks stubbornly back at her, but Rey is one with the Force at this moment, her gaze steady and unwavering.

  
After a few moments, Annanda turns around, deflated, and goes to the back to take up her post.

  
The group of knights parts to let Rey pass on her way to the speeder.

  
“He trained you, you’ll know what to do,” is the last thing she tells them before she rides off.

  
The slanting sun glistens on the water, but she has no eyes for that kind of beauty now, when the afternoon stretching before her is endless and the night seems so far away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I owe everyone a big apology for being late again with this update. But somewhere out there is still Sunday so in someone else's time zone I'm right on time :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos. I am so grateful and honored :))
> 
> These few chapters are all about power games and the necessity of questioning everything. It will be interesting to see how our heroes cope with this challenge. 
> 
> In the meantime Rey and Ben also manage to sneak out and ignore the adult responsibilities.
> 
> Speaking of which: my schedule for this upcoming week is insane to put it mildly, but I sincerely hope I will be able to release another chapter on Friday evening. 
> 
> I apologize in advance for any errors and/or typos - it took me longer than expected to get this chapter right, and I am now as sleep-deprived as our beloved hero, barely able to see what I'm typing, but I promise to correct them as soon as possible ;)


	11. Silver and grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The door is standing ajar and the moonshine is shimmering in the air.
> 
>  
> 
> Ben is sprawled on his back, wearing only a pair of soft pants, his right arm bent under his head and his left arm falling across his bare chest. The rest of his clothes is strewn over the floor, on the path leading to the bathroom.
> 
>  
> 
> She takes a few silent steps towards him and for a moment, simply marvels at the sight of him. Not even the scar she gave him, snaking from his cheek and over his collar bone, nor the crater Chewi’s blaster left, can mar his beauty.
> 
>  
> 
> He’s all silver and grace.
> 
>  
> 
> His full lips are closed, slightly pouted, so kiss-inviting, and a strand of wet hair is twisting on his forehead. Her hand goes towards it on its own, but his murmuring makes her stop in the middle of that movement.
> 
>  
> 
> She could swear she heard her own name.

 

When Rey shows up at the hall of the former Senate building all alone, silence starts spreading around her like a wave through the water, affecting at first the chatty group of politicians standing close to her, and then the rest of that vast auditorium. But the disappointment on their faces, on hearing that the Supreme Leader won’t attend any proceedings for the rest of the day, nor the planned party, is very well hidden.

  
“Something came up,” Rey says curtly, to which Senator Ro-Kiintor smoothly replies that the party would therefore be postponed until the day after.

  
_There’s no way out of his claws_ , she thinks.

  
He immediately starts inquiring about the reasons for their stay at General Organa’s old family house, insisting that a private house that has been uninhabited for such a long time, could hardly provide the necessary comfort, but Leia effectively shuts him up stating there’s nothing wrong with _her_ house.

  
Rey doesn’t fail to notice how Leia’s face gleams at that.

  
“But we’re counting on you when it comes to catering for us,” Rey says smoothly.

  
“Of course. The Republic Palace kitchen staff will be happy to assist you. We will deliver whatever you like to ….,” he makes an insistent movement with his hand in the air, “to your _preferred quarters._ ”

  
_Along with several inedible bugs_ , Rey thinks, maintaining the smile on her face.

  
“Thank you so much, but I would hate to _bug_ your kitchen staff with this minor issue, so I will visit the kitchen myself and take what we need.”

  
The panic fleeting over his face is almost entertaining.

  
“Oh, no, we would be happy to…”

  
“No need for that”, Rey cuts him off and goes to take her place at the table.

  
If Rey thought that the absence of Supreme Leader from the negotiations would prompt Chandrilan politicians to shorten the day, she was wrong.

  
There are a lot less commoners following the proceedings this afternoon, probably because they know how long an ordinary round of negotiations tends to last.

  
This part is considered to be initial before the real tug-of-war, for no protocol could ever be implemented unless first being read, reread, rewritten and discussed in details, upon which every T is to be checked, turned up and down, inside and out, before being crossed, and all that before they even start dotting the I’s in the draft of the preliminary treaty.

  
Rey starts to wonder if there really is something in Ben’s words about the Republic inefficiency being the reason of its downfall.

  
These preliminary negotiations feel like a complicated dance whose steps Rey has to figure out as she goes, and she would’ve probably felt lost if it weren’t for Leia’s encouraging smile from across the table.

  
Senator Ro-Kiintor is trying to take the pulse on her mood by dropping simple requests for special treatment here and there, each and every one followed by profuse words and lots of “of course we must be allowed to…”, but Rey dodges most of those traps, including the major bomb thrown at her by very impatient looking Major Deso who simply demands the annihilation of the Military Disarmament treaty and expresses his hopes to get a fully restored army, asking not _if_ this would happen, but _when_.

  
When they finally wrap the day up, they’re not closer to any final agreement, and the only thing Rey got from the day’s work is a splitting headache.

 

__________________________

 

  
The kitchen of the Republic Palace is a vast maze of counters, shelves and buzzing droids, but head chef is as human as human gets: chubby, with tiny, sophisticated mustache, capricious and haughty.

He introduces himself as Alberio and gives her a tour of the place, looking unwilling and bothered all that time, and maintains a deep, skeptical expression on his face while she lists the articles she needs.

  
“That won’t do, my dear,” he says to her, feigning his calmness.

  
“Why not?” Rey gapes at him. “I have a dozen mouths to feed tonight!”

  
He makes an exasperated movement with his hand as if she’s failing to see the obvious, and turns around.

  
“Too plain,” he says.

  
Rey frowns, but follows him, beginning slowly to grasp what he must have meant by calling her list _too plain_ , when he leads her into an adjacent cooling chamber with endless rows of shelves, boxes and sacks.

  
There are things she can’t recognize, or whose names she can’t even pronounce. There are rare ingredients, spices, exotic fruits and the scents that confuse her senses.

  
“I’ve never tasted any of this,” she admits and he just squints at her.

  
“Well, I’m surprised to hear that, for the First order chefs might not be as good as _me_ , but they sure have excess to even greater variety of ingredients,” Alberio says disdainfully.

  
“I know nothing about the First order cuisine. I grew up a scavenger on Jakku,” she says offhandedly, lifting the lid off a giant box with herbs and sticking her head in it to smell them.

  
“These are all edible?” she asks the stunned chef who’s put his hand over his mouth in surprise.

  
“Oh, my poor child! I can’t even begin to imagine your ordeal,” he says to her, wide-eyed, and starts shoving provisions into a large sack, calling for droids in his shrill voice, and instructing them to pack a sample of everything.

He moves surprisingly fast for a man of his stature, and Rey has a problem keeping up with him as he rushes back to the kitchen and starts personally filling the giant food storage containers with a quantity of food she’s almost sure won’t fit into her speeder.

He also personally helps her pack everything inside her vehicle, double-checking every lid and then takes her hand in his.

  
“May the Force guide you on your path, Lady Rey,” he says solemnly and rushes back in on his short legs.

  
Even though she’s not entirely sure what the reason behind this bout of excessive compassion might be, she takes it as it comes.

  
But before Rey jumps into the speeder, a shadow detaches itself from one of the columns and hurries towards her. Rey’s hand twitches towards her saber, but then she recognizes Leia enveloped in a dark cloak.

  
Leia approaches hurriedly.

  
“Is everything all right?” Rey asks, not entirely sure she managed to successfully deflect all the attacks by Senator Ro-Kiinto.

  
Leia seems to instinctively know what Rey is asking about.

  
“You did well, my dear. I think Senator Ro-Kiinto is just beginning to realize how much he underestimated you.”

  
Leia smiles at her encouragingly.

  
“How is he?” she asks, the worry in her voice palpable. “I presume he didn’t come because of me….”

  
It’s only now Rey understands what’s bothering Leia.

  
“Oh, no, it’s nothing like that!” she hurries to dissuade her. “He hasn’t slept for days and I sort of made him get some rest. It can’t be easy for him to come back here.”

  
Leia cocks her head and looks at Rey as if something has dawned on her at this very moment.

  
“Rey,” Leia starts and then stops, searching for Rey’s eyes. “I appreciate what you’re doing for him.”

  
“I’m doing it for myself, too,” Rey blurts out and Leia squeezes her hand to indicate her full understanding.

  
“You two seem to have something…special, something unique. I’ve never seen him act around someone like he does around you. But, you have to know: the change must come from within.”

  
She hugs her again and rushes back into the building.

 

  
___________________________________

 

 

 

 _This old speeder is the slowest vehicle in the Galaxy,_ Rey thinks, as she rides through the lilac darkness.

  
Her impatience makes her reach for Ben through the moonlight.

  
There’s a spellbinding silence on his side of the bond, hidden is his rhythmical breathing.

  
The Force is a pulsing streak guiding her to him.

  
The house is enveloped in darkness when she parks the speeder, but in the light of the two moons, the overgrown garden is an enchanted kingdom of shadows.

  
For a brief second she thinks how it would’ve been if she and Ben would hide here for some time, maybe even a lifetime.

  
_Would he do it? Would she dare?_

  
The two knights standing at the gate salute her and one of them, the square-faced, blond young man called Lerric, deserts his post briefly to help her bring the provisions into the kitchen.

  
“Lights,” she says repeatedly, but nothing happens.

  
“I believe the power is out,” Lerric says.

  
They pile the boxes on the counter and leave the sacks in the corner before he goes out to resume his post.

  
The intense moonshine bathes the interior of the house and in that light Rey is a hasty shadow.

  
Algernon is fast asleep in the folds of her tunic, so she carefully takes him, wraps him up in the shawl she brought for him and leaves him in the far corner of the living room, out of the way.

  
He’s so tiny, sleeping with his head between his front legs. She knows by now he can sleep for two days in a row if he’s not woken by hunger.  
Just in case, she leaves out a few salad leaves for him.

 _Lazy bug_ , she whispers to him before she tucks him in.

  
The kitchen and the living room are separated from the sleeping quarters by a sliding door that rattles a bit when she opens it.

She takes a deep breath as she steps into the dark corridor.

  
There are no other sounds, and she sure makes none tiptoeing in her soft boots towards the bedroom.

  
The door is standing ajar and the moonshine is shimmering in the air.

  
Ben is sprawled on his back, wearing only a pair of soft pants, his right arm bent under his head and his left arm falling across his bare chest. The rest of his clothes is strewn over the floor, on the path leading to the bathroom.

  
She takes a few silent steps towards him and for a moment, simply marvels at the sight of him. Not even the scar she gave him, snaking from his cheek and over his collar bone, nor the crater Chewi’s blaster left, can mar his beauty.

  
He’s all silver and grace.

  
His full lips are closed, slightly pouted, so kiss-inviting, and a strand of wet hair is twisting on his forehead. Her hand goes towards it on its own, but his murmuring makes her stop in the middle of that movement.

  
She could swear she heard her own name.

  
She takes off her boots with exaggerated slowness, not taking her eyes off him.

  
Then she sits slowly on the edge of the bed and even more slowly, almost not breathing, lies down next to him, on her side, careful not to touch him.

  
_It’s enough just to look at him in silence_ , she thinks, _for they’re so bad with words._

  
An immense fatigue washes over her and she’s afraid, if she just closes her eyes, she’d fall asleep between two breaths.

  
Not even the persistent hunger pangs would be enough to keep her awake.

  
Practice made her a master of hunger.

  
He shifts a bit and turns on his side, to face her.

  
She  can feel him slowly waking up. She can also feel his energy rolling towards her, seeking her through the Force.

  
“What took you so long?” he murmurs drowsily, wrapping his arm around her waist, pulling her closer.

  
Her hips are pressed against his, his leg already wedged between hers.

His eyes are still closed, but the precision of his movements leaves her in no doubt that underneath the lingering sleep leftovers, he’s very much awake and alert.

  
“I was raiding the kitchen in the Palace,” she says with a trace of smile in her voice.

  
“Good. I’m starving,” he murmurs, but doesn’t make a move to get up and Rey is for a moment in doubt what kind of hunger he’s talking about.

  
“I brought us steaks. And a pie. And some fruit. But you know what I’m like when it comes to sharing food. Be really _really_ nice to me and I might let you have some.”

  
His eyes are two warm slits now, and a mischievous smile is playing on his lips.

  
“I do not condone extortion in any form. So I’ll eat you.”

  
“Outrageous, but promising,” she says trying to hide her smile.

  
They should have that serious talk, oh how she knows it! But this cozy unison is what she longs for, this lingering on the edge of real intimacy and postponing words that might sting.

  
_Where do they go from here when any serious discourse before them feels like a minefield_?

  
She brushes over his mind and sure there’s sublime, primal hunger for her there, but there’s trepidation and fear of stepping in the wrong direction, too.

  
After all only this morning, they were not such good _friends_.

  
“How are you?” he asks, finally fully opening his eyes, and looking softly at her.

  
She yawns in response.

  
“Beyond tired.”

  
“What did I miss?”

  
“Oh, not much,” she says lightly. “Just me surrendering all our assets to the newly established Assembly of the Galactic Union and sending Supreme Leader, that is you, into a forced retirement….”

  
His eyes widen, while she starts chuckling and continues “…where I would hold _him_ , that is you, a prisoner, by using the Force.”

  
“I’ve been your prisoner for what it feels like eternity now,” he says ruggedly.

  
Underneath the teasing there’s a serious undertone to his words and all that makes the knot in Rey’s stomach tighten.

  
_This conversation is going all the wrong ways,_ she thinks, but his desire freely echoes in her.

  
She just holds his gaze and then slowly moves that wet strand of his hair from his eyes.

  
Thoughtful, soft eyes, shining like those two moons out in the sky.

  
She rolls over on her back, trying not to look at him.

  
“The power is out,” she says. “But it looks like we still have running water.”

  
“Only cold water. This was the shortest shower in the history of mankind.”

  
“I can live with that. I used to live without running water, too.”

  
“Our friend Senator is trying to tell us something,” Ben says menacingly. “I wonder if a bit of friendly force-choking would help solve this problem.”

  
“No!” Rey says sternly, turning her head to look at him and threatening him with her index finger. “I saw what you did back there on the stairs.”

  
He smiles wickedly, and hides his face in the pillow, but doesn’t deny anything.

  
“It seems that you and your mother share the sentiment when it comes to our host.”

  
Ben turns his head just a bit to look at her.

  
“I was old enough to witness their repeated showdowns. Let’s say that it’s good Leia is bad at commanding the Force.”

  
“Well, that settles the question who you got your temper from.”

  
“I’m not entirely sure about it. Han was not a silent type, either. Well, you’ve met him, so…” he sighs and frowns as always when he mentions Han, but there’s no anger in him now.

  
_It’s the house,_ Rey thinks, _it affects him strangely, making him this open and meek_.

  
She puts her palm on his cheek and he leans in it, imprisoning it against his shoulder.

  
Their eyes remain locked in a timeless stare until their stomachs start rumbling in unison, too loud to be ignored.

  
“Dinner time,” Ben says, taking her hand and pulling her upright. He quickly dons a T-shirt, while she jumps back into her boots, and they follow the delicious scent spreading from the food containers through the house.

  
The kitchen is cozily bathed in moonshine until Ben lights several candles and the dancing, orange flicker outshines it.

  
“Did you leave anything for them?” he asks, when he sees how much food she brought.

  
“It’s not my fault!” she laughs. “Alberio, the chef, took pity on me when he found out I was an orphan who had to survive by scavenging, so he packed half the monthly supplies of the whole Palace for me to take.”

  
“If you’re starving, you have his full attention,” Ben says, scrambling through the cupboard in search of some plates.

  
“Sad stories work best, not that you would know with your privileged upbringing,” she adds teasingly.

  
“I was not very privileged,” he replies quite seriously.

  
“You had a house and parents. That counts as privileged where I come from.”

  
He makes a consenting sound in the back of his throat and opens one of the food containers. She hungrily reaches for another to speed up the process, but he catches her hand in the middle of that movement.

  
“No. You got us food, I’ll serve it,” he says. “You’re a guest in my family house after all.”

  
He plants a light, remorseful kiss on her injured fingers and then pulls the chair out for her.

  
“ _My lady_ ,” he says, smiling and she slightly bows, excepting the game.

  
She sits, leans back and begins to enjoy the view.

  
The usual gracefulness of his movements is restricted by the ambient.

It’s obvious he’s inept in the kitchen, for he keeps overturning bottles and glasses with his long arms and elbows. It all makes him so endearingly focused on his task.

She can almost hear him telling to himself _You rule the Galaxy, you sure as hell can serve a dinner,_ and yet, when he finally turns around to face her, holding two perfectly arranged plates in his hands, she could see tiny beads of sweat on his forehead.

  
She likes how peaceful he is, refreshed after that power nap, patient and calm.

  
In the soft, flickering candlelight, even the shadows on his face look smooth.

  
When she starts eating, she has a hard time chewing properly, for the insatiable hunger in her intensifies with every delicious bite.

  
She eats a lot and she still wants more.

  
“Good food,” Ben says, winking at her. ”Unlike that junk you made me eat on Corellia.”

  
“Hey! You asked for more, if I remember correctly,” she laughs, her mouth still full.

  
“Just to appease you. Old Alberio used to feed me, too, and let me sleep on the bench in the kitchen when Leia would take me with her. Senate sessions were sometimes long and that gave me a chance to roam around unnoticed. They’d forget about me.”

  
Rey stops eating and looks at him.

  
_How much time he had to spend on his own, forgotten?_

  
His solitary existence, so similar to hers, make her heart tighten.

 

__________________________

 

  
The rest of the food looks like it would be enough for a squadron of people.

She places the greatest part of it in the storage and leaves enough on the counter for the knights.

  
“C’mon, our turn,” she says, tossing his saber to him before they go out in the garden to call the knights.

  
Ben summons them to the porch but lets Rey address them.

  
Annanda immediately refuses to eat and says she would stand guard at the gate, but the rest of the knights seem happy enough with her offer.

  
On his way inside the house Lerric smiles at her, and thanks her for thinking of them.

  
“Thank you for your help earlier,” she says to him.

  
“My pleasure,” he replies with a slight bow.

  
Rey is vaguely aware how the Force in Ben stirs upon hearing their exchange, that yellow heart of jealousy awake and alert, so she nudges him to follow her into the garden.

  
It’s peaceful, and full of scents and buzzing of nocturnal insects.

  
“Where are our stormtroopers?” she asks, missing the figures patrolling at the edge of the garden.

  
“I talked to Hux today. He needs reinforcements, so I sent them back to await his orders.”

  
“Outer Rim is still in disarray?”

  
She’s afraid he’d say _You don’t want to know,_ and then she would have to fight him to extract that information and the evening would be ruined.

  
“Yes, pretty much so,” he says. “Hux says there are several fractions fighting over the dominance over pirate routes so he needs more soldiers to establish the peace.”

  
Rey frowns a bit, wondering if Poe is aware of this development and wishing she could talk to him about this.

  
This story is fishy, but this shadowy garden and the seductive smells of nocturnal herbs mixed with Ben’s warmth next to her make her somehow less willing to nitpick General Hux’ motives.

  
_Tomorrow_ , she thinks, _I’ll deal with this tomorrow._

  
The sea at the end of the slanting lawn is glinting like a giant, liquid mirror.

  
She can’t take her eyes off the ruffled, silvery surface.

  
“I love your house,” she says to Ben, sitting down next to him on a stone bench facing the moonlit landscape.

  
“I’ve always loved this place, too,” he says calmly. “Even though I’ve spent the loneliest hours in my life right here.”

  
She sneaks her hand into his large palm and fleets her fingers with his.

  
_Never again_ , she thinks.

  
“If they continue to drag the negotiations, we might end up being here for weeks,” she says.

  
“Would you mind?” he asks and she can feel him smiling.

  
“Not in the least!” she laughs in response.

  
He draws her closer, leans back and tucks her into the crook of his arm.

  
The Force in him is calm and even.

  
“But if we want this done, we have to press Senator Ro-Kiintor into signing this treaty soon. We need to incorporate more planetary systems until the only ones left are the ones that can’t tip the scale any way,” Ben says.

  
“Is that your vision?”

  
“My vision? That’s _your vision_ , Rey. You must know by now this is all for you,” he says earnestly.

  
If there’s any doubt left in her heart, his words purge it without a trace.

  
She lifts her head to look at him, at his solemn eyes and his calm, serious face and she know she loves this man in all his shades and she can’t do a thing about it, even if she wanted to.

  
She crawls into his lap, straddles him and takes his face into her hands.

  
There are no words to express how she feels and no words are really needed.

  
She slowly touches his lips with hers, inhaling his scent, breathing his air, and he wraps his arms around her waist holding her like that.

  
Their kiss is warm and tentative, their lips recognizing each other, their tongues slowly intertwining.

  
She breaks it just for a second to look at him.

  
His eyes, looking back at her, are spelling devotion.

  
She can feel the ache in him resounding in her core, and her heart, no longer her own, flies out of her chest and rests next to his.

  
She leans down and kisses him again, her lips urgent and unrelenting.

  
The Force is unfolding around them in a contended equilibrium as the stars peacefully travel over their heads and the two shiny eyes in the sky smile down at their endless kiss.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and for all the inspiring comments. They mean so much to me and they got me through this busy week.
> 
>  
> 
> I was looking forward to this chapter ever since I started working on this fanfic. 
> 
> Our young lovers deserve a few days of peace and quiet on such an enchanting spot in the Galaxy, before the mean writer makes them go through more ordeal. 
> 
> I hope you’ll enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it
> 
>  
> 
> I dare promise to update next Friday again :)


	12. Haunter of his own house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you okay with us staying here?”
> 
>  
> 
> “Not sure,” he says thoughtfully. “But it’s better than wherever Ro-Kiinto wants us. And being here with you makes it bearable.”
> 
>  
> 
> “We could just go back to Supremacy for the night,” she suggests, but he shakes his head even before she finishes uttering those words.
> 
>  
> 
> “No, we’re staying. I’ve been visiting this room in my dreams all my life. I have haunted this house and the house has haunted me. Maybe it’s time to make peace with it.”
> 
>  
> 
> His eyes dart to a holo of him as a toddler and Leia so young, so beautiful.
> 
>  
> 
> “She loves you,” Rey says. “She always will. She’s a saint compared to my mother.”
> 
>  
> 
> He sighs and brings her fingers to his lips.
> 
>  
> 
> “It’s not her love I have to earn.”
> 
>  
> 
> But you already have mine, her hug says.

 

There is no time, no space, no Galaxy to rule and treaties to sign; there’s nothing outside this kiss.The Force peacefully descends on Ben and Rey, making the air around them shimmer, making them want to stay like this, with their lips locked, from now to eternity.  
But Rey’s brain at some point registers a vague shuffling behind her back and alerts her that they are after all doing a poor job of guarding the house.

  
“Er…our shift is over,” Larric says, clearing his throat uncomfortably. “What time do you need us here tomorrow?”

  
Rey looks at him appalled, wondering how long he’s been standing there undiscovered, but Ben is unfazed.  
His eyes never leave Rey’s face. It looks as if it takes him some time to find his voice.

  
“Around nine,” he says finally. “Take a few stormtroopers with you. I will need them to guard the house while we’re in the Senate. We don’t want Ro-Kiintor getting any ideas.”

  
Rey disentangles herself from his arms, aware she’s blushing, and Larrick just gives her a half-smile, the expression on his face spelling something about _Luckily you don’t have to go far to find a room._

  
The house is silent as the intertwined shadows of silver moonshine mix with glimmering candle lights.

  
Ben grabs a few candles from the kitchen on his way to the bedroom and she extinguishes the rest of them. Darkness follows her as she enters the bedroom, takes a deep breath and glances anxiously towards the bed.

  
Ben, so attuned to her now, doesn’t miss anything. He turns her around to face him, searching her face.  
Rey does her best to keep smiling and hide the sudden bout of trepidation that seemingly comes out of nowhere.

  
“I’ll sleep in my old room,” he says, kissing her forehead and grabbing the pillow in one swift movement.

  
“No, no! I don’t want you to leave! We need to talk,” Rey says firmly, taking the pillow out of his hands, putting it back on bed, and wedging a cushion between the two pillows.

  
“There. My side, your side” she points left and then right.

  
He looks at her for a long moment, then stretches his long body over the bed, takes the cushion and throws it in the general direction of the chair.

  
He then joins the two pillows together.

  
“Our side,” he says pointedly.

  
“Much better,” Rey says softly.

  
In the faint light of a single candle illuminating the bathroom, she glances swiftly at her own reflection: her wet hair pinned up in a messy bun, her sleeveless T-shirt blotched with water here and there because she didn’t dry her body properly after that quick shower, but she doesn’t care, she just wants to get back to Ben as quickly as possible.

  
The only thing she’s absolutely sure of is that she doesn’t want to be anywhere without Ben tonight.

  
Her heart drops a bit when she doesn’t find him in the bedroom. She has somehow already imagined him waiting for her under the covers.

  
She follows the flickering light at the end of the corridor and finds him in his old room, his face raw, his eyes strained.

  
“Roaming the house _solo_?” she says, hugging him from behind.

  
He chuckles shortly at those words.

  
She can feel the Force in him rumbling with mixed emotions.

  
He puts one hand over her hands wrapped around his waist, and runs the fingertips of the other over the walls where his old drawings are glued - wrinkly, yellowish, fading out. The furry creature in one of the drawings must be Chewie. There’s a drawing of the Millennium Falcon with two figures in it, an adult and a child - and there are sketches of birds and an aircraft.

  
His calligraphy set is on the desk, settled among pages filled out with lines - neat, seductive, almost singing to her.

  
“When I think back at my childhood, I remember loneliness, the ever-pervasive gloom and my parents going about as if…Leia never wanted me to know about my grandfather, about the curse of my wretched lineage, as if that would protect me from the darkness. Instead it deprived me of the tools of dealing with it.”

  
Rey’s eyes well with tears.

  
_He didn’t have a chance from the beginning!_

  
“Some people should never have children,” he says harshly. “My parents and yours.…or me for that matter, for I’ll never want anyone to deal with what I had to go through.”

  
She turns him around to face her, appalled by the magnitude pain on his face.

  
She knew he was broken and abandoned, manipulated by Snoke, betrayed by people who should’ve protected him and yet, she had never before seen him succumbing to the torment in his core like this.

  
“Are you okay with us staying here?”

  
“Not sure,” he says thoughtfully. “But it’s better than wherever Ro-Kiintor wants us. And being here with you makes it bearable.”

  
“We could just go back to Supremacy for the night,” she suggests, but he shakes his head even before she finishes uttering those words.

  
“No, we’re staying. I’ve been visiting this room in my dreams all my life. I have haunted this house and the house has haunted me. Maybe it’s time to make peace with it.”

  
His eyes dart to a holo of him as a toddler and Leia so young, so beautiful.

  
“She loves you,” Rey says. “She always will. She’s a saint compared to my mother.”

  
He sighs and brings her fingers to his lips.

  
“It’s not her love I have to earn.”

  
_But you already have mine_ , her hug says.

  
There’s so much anguish in his eyes and she can feel how much he fights it all, closing himself to any emotion, shutting the door to Ben Solo, and leaving Kylo to guard him.

  
“Ben, it’s okay to hurt. You don’t have to be stoic, you don’t have to just soldier on. You can just be you. You can be just a regular person.”

  
“But I’m not just a regular person,” he says and she knows exactly what he means.

  
She reaches for his hand and fleets her fingers with his, and leads him to bed blowing out all the candles on their way, until the only light shining on them is the twin moonlight.

  
They slide under the cover, lying on their sides, facing each other.

  
He is serious again, fiddling with a lose strand of her hair.

  
“If you were me, I’m sure you would’ve been better in dealing with what had happened. I admire you, Rey. Life was harsh on you, but you managed to stay whole. Not many people would’ve succeeded in coming out of scavenger life on Jakku unscathed.”

  
“Maybe I was just lucky.”

  
_Incredibly lucky. Also uncommonly lucky to have found you_ , she thinks and wraps her arms around him.

  
She’s so impossibly relaxed in his arms, so incomprehensibly complete with her head on his chest, listening to the peaceful rhythm of his heart.

  
“Ben, I wanted to ask you something for what feels like ages. I…I ..er,

  
“Just say it,” he says.

  
“I had a feeling I’ve known you from before. Maybe not you you, but…your energy? You were somehow always there, like a presence in my head. Did you…? Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?” she asks in a small voice.

  
He’s silent for what it feels like an eternity.

  
“Energies attract, and recognize each other. You being aware of mine before you met me means you’re hyper-sensitive. It could be because of the harsh environment you’ve grown up in - it made the alertness be your natural state. I…I can also feel you, Rey. I felt you there, when I first stepped on Jakku and it took me a while to place that feeling. It just gets stronger, like the other day when we were so attuned you were in my head and I was in yours and there were no boundaries between us. And now…. I can feel you wherever you are. And it feels incomplete to be without you anywhere.”

  
She plants a tiny kiss on his shoulder to confirm she knows it and she feels the same, for somehow words between them now tend to be insufficient.

  
The inevitable fatigue at the end of this never-ending day slowly starts catching up with her, combined with the intense fullness of her belly. The drowsiness overwhelms her.

  
_This is how life is supposed to be_ , she thinks. _Living on a beautiful planet, in peace, falling asleep in the arms of a man you love_.

  
“You seem to start getting along with some of my knights,” he says suddenly.

  
The curiosity rings in his voice.

  
“Just with Brice,” she says and then immediately thinks of the other girl knight and decides that now is the time as good as any to ask what’s been sort of bugging her for quite some time.

  
Rey needs to know and she asks, suddenly very much awake.

  
“Has anything ever happened between you and Annanda?”

  
“Long time ago”, he says broodingly. “We were kids. We kissed and sometimes I think she’s still holding on to it. And now that you’re here…” he lets the ending of that sentence hang between them.

  
_She is forced to face reality,_ Rey finishes it in her mind.

  
Instead of saying anything, she hugs him tighter. Just holding him like that, feeling his warmth and breathing together is enough for her now.

  
“How about you?” he asks softly. And she frowns for a second, not realizing what he’s really asking about.

  
“You mean if I’ve ever had anyone …like _that_?”

  
“Apart from Finn, and probably the rest of the boys in the Resistance. Was there anyone back on Jakku?”

  
She start laughing, and lifts her head off his chest in order to look at him.

  
“No, there wasn’t anyone. Just a huge amount of sand around me and an immense hunger in me. And boundless loneliness. And just for the record, I don’t _have_ Finn. Or Poe. Or anyone else. I never got to that for I was abducted by this really bad guy - ”

  
“A monster,” he interjects.

  
She feels the warmth of his smile on her skin.

  
“A monster, a genuine murderous snake, who was very inept in what he was doing, so I got to peak inside his mind and.…”

  
He shifts a bit, and supports himself on his elbow to get a better view of her.

  
“And?”

  
“I like what I’ve found there and now I can’t get him out of my head,” she says locking her eyes with his.

  
“Would you like to?”

  
There’s a slight trembling in his voice, the anxiety making it muffled.

  
“Not in a million years,” she says truthfully.

  
He leans in and traces her lips with his thumb, but doesn’t attempt to kiss her.

  
“Tell me if the monster shows up again and I’ll fight him,” he says, traces of laughter in his voice.

  
“I think you already do, Ben,” she says softly.

  
He’s silent for a moment, but Rey can feel how eager he is she continues this confession.

  
“Then what happened?” he asks scooting so close that his breath tickles her cheek.

She rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling interspersed with shadows.

  
“The more important question is what is going to happen, for I still don’t know where we’re going,” she says, her voice changing from teasingly light, to serious whisper.

  
She turns her head to look at him.

  
His eyes travel down her face, to her lips and up again to meet her eyes.

  
“Maybe you two already are where you should be. On the same side. Your own side.”

  
_Also in the same bed_ , she thinks, a wave of desire washing over her, and by the way his eyelashes flutter she knows he felt it, too, or read her mind, or both.

  
“Ben,” she says softly, and the confusion running through his mind is palpable and overwhelming.

  
“Do you know why I left you the other night?”

  
His heart skips a beat, she can feel it.

  
_A thousand times no_ echoes in his mind.

  
“That kept me awake for the past few days.”

  
Ugly guilt washes over her. They should’ve had this conversation the morning after.

  
But Rey is inexperienced in the matters of the heart just like she is in the reactions of her own body.

  
Ben is a silent question mark in the darkness.

  
The shadows of the vines snaking around the window are dancing over their heads.

  
She tries to formulate her thoughts carefully.

  
“I don’t know how to deal with this if you’re not _you_. If you’re not only _you._ ”

  
He is silent for a long moment.

  
“I will always be both. I can’t apologize for who I am.”

  
_Or who they made you be_ , Rey thinks, the immense grief of his tortured existence washing over her.

  
“I don’t need you to apologize. I’m on your side” she says.

  
“That’s good, for who would want _you_ for an enemy.”

  
She places her palm on his chest, over his heart. In the light of two moons, his face is silvery, his eyes shining like black diamonds.

  
“I will always be on your side,” she says, but in her heart she’s afraid he won’t always be on his own side.

  
He’s so close, she can feel his breath on her lips, her legs already intertwining with his on their own. She traces his jaw with light kisses and then lingers over his scar. She breathes him in and she feels his core stirring.

  
“Do you know what you’re doing?” he asks ruggedly and she immediately pulls back to search for his eyes.

  
“No,” she says truthfully. “I’ve never…..”

  
She’s never been this close to anyone but him, and she has no clue if this is all right or too little or just enough.

  
“To _me_ ,” he adds. “What you’re doing to _me_?”

  
“The same you’re doing to me,” she says boldly and goes back to mapping his face with her lips.

  
“Good,” he says with a sigh and offers his lips.

  
The kiss is so soft, so impossibly smooth and easy. His velvety lips move slowly over hers, and he takes his time to taste her, to drink air from her lips.

  
He turns her over, and presses her down, hovering over her, his hair falling into her eyes.

  
“Go easy on me, Rey of Jakku, “ he says ruggedly.

  
“Me?” she blinks innocently. “I’m always easy on people.”

  
“Oh, no, you don’t. You demand, you rearrange - people, chambers, ships, you bring plants and pets and shield them all behind you for you are larger than life. But you’re careless with people’s hearts.”

  
_But I’ve already given you mine,_ she thinks and she knows he can feel it.

  
She’s so pliant in his arms, so ready to give and to take and never let go.

  
But Ben maintains a steady pace as his fingers travel over her body and his lips get lost in the curve of her neck.

  
The Force around them is peaceful and balanced, the air charged with their breathing and the shuffling of the sheets.

  
Ben sighs and lifts his head to look at her.

  
“Rey….I …I don’t think I would survive if I made another wrong move,” he whispers and kisses the tip of her nose and then her forehead. The touch of his full warm lips, so familiar by now, is chaste and calm.

  
“Just hold me tonight, will you?” she says.

  
The warmness of his embrace, this overwhelming calm between them and his intoxicating presence - this is all too much for her at the moment.

  
His lips embrace her eyelids, and their warm pressure makes her sigh and completely relax. And then she’s gone.

 

 

________________________________________

 

 

 

When she opens her eyes, she can tell he’s already awake by the rhythm of his breathing. It’s shallow and he even tries to move a bit away from her, without letting go of her waist.

 _It comes handy to have such long arms,_ she thinks, and effectively sabotages his attempts by pressing her little butt closer to him. There’s a bulge there she didn’t expect to find and she freezes and blushes, understanding immediately the point of his subtle maneuver. She knows so little about how bodies work, it makes her embarrassed. She doesn’t understand entirely her own reactions to him, but somehow, they all feel right and she decides to trust herself in this.

  
“We need a bigger bed,” he murmurs in her hair and she laughs shortly. She loves the _we_ in his statement for it implies eternity.

  
He stretches his long body, yawns and goes out into the sunshine filled corridor.

  
She stays in bed, just enjoying this moment of impossible bliss. Somehow everything feels easy now, even the day ahead of them filled with important negotiations.

  
Ben soon gets back with Algernon perched on his bare shoulder. The tiny creature is looking around with interest as if it’s rediscovering world again. Considering the height it’s on, it must think it can fly again.

  
Ben winces when the animal’s tiny claws dig into his flesh.

  
“Sharp claws. Just like his mistress.”

  
He sits down on the edge of the bed and lets her take Algernon into her palms.

  
“Hey, buddy, what have you been up to?”

  
“Cleaning the garden from the bugs,” Ben says smiling. “Breakfast for humans in the garden in five,” he adds.

  
That seems to be magic word for Rey runs into the garden, leaves Algernon in one of the flower beds to chase insects and greedily attacks the contents of the plate Ben offers her.

  
He stretches, his skin glinting in the slanting morning sun.

  
“I can get used to this. Eat, sleep, just sit in the sun,” he says, squinting at her. There’s now an everlasting half-smile on his lips, his face so light, so beautiful.

  
“You bring food, you negotiate with the scum. My job is to sleep and eat. I don’t know how I survived without you?”

  
The mountains in the distance are dark-blue and dreamy, the sea at the end of the lawn rippled, impossibly violet, glinting invitingly.

  
“It’s probably warmer than the water in our bathroom. Race you to the beach,” he says.

  
“I can’t swim,” she says, slightly embarrassed.

  
He cocks his head.

  
“So we’re back where we started. Rey of Jakku needs a teacher,” he teases her.

  
“And you volunteer?” she says, looking over the brim of her glass of juice at him.

  
He holds that gaze, the Force in him ready for whatever task she has in mind.

  
“I already did, long time ago,” he says.

  
“Great! I’ll hold you to it, for I need a teacher for other stuff, too. Like how to decipher those Jedi books,” she says in the sweetest voice she can muster.

  
“You play dirty, Rey of Jakku,” he says ruggedly.

  
She slowly puts her glass down on the table, her eyes not leaving his bright face.

  
“Okay,” she says and jumps off the chair even before she finishes uttering that short word.

  
She hears him asking _Okay what_? somewhere behind her back, but she’s already running across the lawn, as fast as the wind, even though she knows in advance there are no ways anyone can escape Ben Solo’s long legs.

  
He catches up with her somewhere halfway to the beach, swoops her over his shoulder without slowing down and continues to run as she’s breathlessly squeaking. He doesn’t even slow down when he reaches the waterline, and she braces for the splash.

  
It’s loud and shocking, but he never lets go of her and she wraps her legs around his waist, still squealing.

  
“I’m afraid,” she says, her arms tightening their grip around his neck.

  
“No, you’re not. You’ve never been afraid. On top of that, you’re a very bad liar,” he says, trying to untangle himself from her limbs, while he’s planting kisses on her jaw and neck, making her giggle.

  
He pulls them both toward the shore, and stands in the water to his waist.

  
She finally agrees to try and he supports her underneath her belly as she tries to stay afloat. Her fear of the new element is for a moment the only thing she can feel, even though the rational part of her brain tells her to relax and trust him, but then she remembers to steady herself and use the Force. It goes much better after that although she wouldn’t dare to do it alone, without the security his arms provide.

Her T-shirt’s hitched up, floating around her waist, bloated, entangling around his hands.

  
She can see Lerric and a few of the knights as tiny creatures in the garden, reluctantly lifting their arms to wave at them, for duty calls, as usual.

  
“Supreme leader has a job to do,” she tells him, spitting water and trying to focus on rhythmical movements of her arms.

  
He just shakes his head.

  
“He’s lost to the world. He’s been held prisoner by a Jedi.”

  
“Who also intends to kick his sorry ass when…that is if she survives her first swimming lesson.”

  
“Let her come at me,” he says, his hands moving up her body, tracing the line of her breasts. The sensation is intensified by the cool water. Her nipples are pebbling underneath his touch.

  
“Supreme leader is being naughty today,” she says, moving closer to him.

  
This teasing game makes her stomach tighten.

  
His fingers travel freely down her belly and brush over her most sensitive spots. He gives her a wicked smile and she uses the Force to topple him over into the shallow water and pin him down underneath her.

  
“You were saying?” she asks, kneeling over his body, her hands on his shoulders, pressing him down. The water is up to his chin, almost coming into his mouth.

  
“You win, you always win! I give up!” he laughs, kisses her, and leans his head backwards, his arms spread wide, his hips still pinned underneath her body, but his upper body floating freely.

  
“C’mon, get your supreme ass inside the house,” she says, dragging him like a corpse onto the shore.

  
“I hate work!” he whines. “I want to stay here.”

  
“That’s one more reason to be efficient today and come home early.”

  
On hearing the word _home_ he looks at her.

  
“I love how your brain works. Okay, race you back inside,” he says, jumping up and already running ahead, but she just shakes her head and gives up on chasing him.

  
Her heart is so full, she lifts her arms high above her head, lifts her face to the sun and dances her way across the lawn back to the house.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all to the moon and back for reading, commenting and leaving kudos.  
> You motivate me to write faster so here's chapter 12 earlier than I thought it would be possible :)
> 
> Our lovebirds are enjoying each other's company so much that this wretched writer didn't have a heart to put any obstacles in front of them in this chapter. They deserved this break many times over ;)
> 
> The title is borrowed from one of my favorite books Look Homeward, Angel by Thomas Wolfe. 
> 
> I'm eager to hear what you think about this chapter, so please, let me know :)


	13. Dancing queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Lerric will escort you when or if you decided to come home,” Ben says viciously and gives them all a quick bow before he disappears through the crowd.
> 
> She just gapes after him, enraged beyond what she can take, but imprisoned by the sense of propriety.
> 
> (...)
> 
> Lens talks all that time right into her ear, but she can’t discern his words, her mind consumed with a peculiar bout of fire.
> 
>  
> 
> I will make Ben Solo pay for this, she thinks darkly.
> 
>  
> 
> Separate words reach her from her companion, all somehow unconnected - walk, beach, moonlight, but convey no meaning, for her brain can’t process much at this moment.
> 
>  
> 
> “Are you all right?” Lens asks.
> 
>  
> 
> “I…you must excuse me,” Rey stammers, as she runs out of the room and down the torch-bordered stairway, followed by Senator Ro-Kiintor’s stealthy gaze.
> 
>  
> 
> She hurries towards the speeder, not waiting for Lerric to join her.
> 
>  
> 
> As Rey rides through the darkness, the darkness rises in her.

  
“Are your eyes closed?” Rey asks before her wet t-shirt and underwear land next to Ben’s pants on the floor.

  
“Absolutely!” is the answer reaching her through the water hissing from the shower.

  
“Really closed? Can I trust you on this? We can’t afford to lose more time,” she says as she steps into the tiny glass cabin to join him. She’s trying not to laugh, but laughter nevertheless escapes her.

  
Ben’s head under the ceiling shower head is tilted back, his eyes properly closed, as he’s trying to rinse the shampoo off. He’s doing such a poor job of it that she feels compelled to make him bend over, detach the shower head from its holder, and get the rest of the shampoo and sand out of his hair.

  
He smiles and opens his eyes to look at her when he straightens up again.

  
“I knew you’d be cheating!” she says triumphantly. Her eyes are fixed on his, for she doesn’t dare look anywhere else.

  
“Don’t look at me like that or we’ll be even more late,” he says ruggedly as the damp and heat in the small cabin rise.

  
She just sighs and turns around trying not to touch his body with any part of hers while taking a very quick shower, but very much aware he’s not following his own advice, hungrily looking at her from behind.

  
They’re already very late and since Chandrilans consider it to be the peak of bad manners, they know they should hurry up and yet, staying focused and dedicated to the cause at this very moment feels like the most difficult thing in the world.

  
Rey steps out of the glass cabin first, not looking at him, aware he immediately wipes the fog of the tempered glass to get a better look at her, and grabs a towel on her way to the bedroom.

  
She’s already half-dressed when he emerges from the steamy bathroom, his eyes strictly focused on his clothes crumpled on the floor. He picks it up in one smooth move and starts getting dressed hurriedly.

  
_Why did I have to talk so much last night?_ Rey thinks as she looks longingly at the firm muscles of his broad back with the traces of furrows she made back on Supremacy. Her stomach tightens with an insatiable desire for him.

  
_You and your big mouth!_ she chides herself.

  
This ancient hunger once awakened makes her feel as if she’s cut from the rest of the world, seeing it through a fuzzy glass, as if everything around her is slowed down and insignificant.

  
Her yesterday’s clothes is still wearable, but she peaks inside her bag just to check what else she has packed.

  
The white gown lies at the bottom, already a bit wrinkled.

  
_Party evening_ , rings in her head and Ben simultaneously turns to her, as if he heard her thought, his face crestfallen.

  
“We’ll make this the shortest negotiations in the history of the Galaxy and then we’ll just appear briefly at the party,” she says with a reassuring smile.

  
“If they sense our impatience, we’re doomed,” he says warily.

  
To this Rey has no comforting words to offer.

  
They finish dressing in silence, unwillingly, dreading the endless day full of demands looming over their heads.

  
“Maybe we won’t have to go?” he says, hope creeping into his voice.

  
“I’m afraid that might cause us further problems.”

  
“I hate when you’re right,” he says, donning his tunic and flipping his dripping hair out of his eyes.

  
“Whenever you do that, I fight the urge to tie your hair in a bun,” she says trying to lighten the conversation.

  
“Keep fighting that urge” he says, shaking his head, his eyes widening in horror.

  
His shock looks so genuine, she hops over to him, kisses him and quickly runs back into the bathroom to hang the dress up, before he manages to wrap his arms around her and make her forget what the rush is all about.

  
Their wet clothes and towels still lie strewn all over the floor, and emerging from the bathroom, Rey moves to turn on the housekeeping droid.

  
”No,” Ben says, picking up the clothes himself and taking it out into the garden to dry. “I hate those things.”

  
The knights are already waiting for them in the garden and they look awkwardly at their leader who goes around hanging clothes up to dry before he motions them all to the front of the house to board their vehicles.

  
Rey casts one last longing look towards the garden before she boards the speeder next to Ben.

  
“I’ve always wanted a garden. Not that it was ever a real possibility on Jakku, but nevertheless, I’ve always wanted a garden. And now I only want _this_ particular garden,” she sighs.

  
“This will always be the garden of Rey,” he says, takes her hand and plants a quick kiss on her fingers before they speed off into the streets of Hanna city.

 

  
______________________

 

  
“Tell me what you need from me.”

  
Leia’s blazing eyes are on Ben’s. Rey can tell how much all this means to her - being on the same side with her son, fighting this battle together. This is what Leia does best.

  
He’s looking back at his mother, his face unreadable, and Rey for a moment thinks that there’s still a fair chance of him lashing out on her.

  
She’s by now used to reading the duality in the Force in him.

  
They’re in Leia’s old Senate office, a place that must bring memories, and not all of them pleasant.

  
Ben is motionless for a long second and then he leans towards his mother, and closes his eyes. Rey can feel that familiar absence of sounds and movements all around her and knows he’s using the Force to create a private space where they can talk.

  
“Help me speed this process up. I’m aiming to finish negotiations today, if possible. At the latest tomorrow. I’ll deal with the military and trade, Rey would draft laws. She’s so fond of it,” he says neutrally but Rey can read laughter in his mind. “It would help if you supervise both parts of negotiations and apply pressure from your side, so that they don’t drag this and play us for fools.”

  
Leia nods seriously.

  
The politician in her must think this assignment equals dessert.

  
“What do you think, Rey?” Leia asks her and Rey is silent.

  
_I’m currently unable to think. I am so absolutely in love with your son that I can’t think at all,_ she wants to say, looking sideways at Ben.

  
As an aspiring politician, she is failing in every possible aspect, for the only thing on her mind is how that glorious body, trapped underneath his clothes, will be all hers tonight.

  
She murmurs something about the need to start early in order to finish early.

  
She senses Ben wincing on hearing her words, for neither of them has faith these negotiations would finish as quickly as they wish.

  
They go out into a busy corridor, Leia ahead of them to have a talk with Chandrilan Senators.

  
Ben gives Rey a significant look and slowing down to let everybody pass him, draws her behind a giant pillar to give her a playful half-kiss before they part to resume their duties.

  
But once in the hall of the former Republic Senate all playfulness is gone and Kylo Ren takes over.

She watches him enter the hall, tall, dark and resolute and can’t help but wish for mercy on anyone who dares oppose him today.

 

______________________________

 

Rey sits across from Senator Lerona Lylin, whose smile never subsides, even through their most vehement discussions. Even though Rey’s head feels empty and heavy after hours of negotiation, she perseveres, for she can feel they’re close to something.

  
The fragility of that compromise makes her doubt her own ability to fight with words and smiles against clever terms and policies.

  
Still Rey pursues any option she can think of to win more grounds, haunted by Senator Lylin’s artificial smile.

  
Leia is sharply focused on the drafts Rey’s presented, sighing here and there and vigorously highlighting on the datapad.

  
_Is it really that bad_? Rey wants to ask, but Leia looks at her at that moment and gives her an encouraging smile.

  
“These are excellent proposals. Very acceptable for all sides, I believe. But we must be as precise as possible and make sure that the letter and the spirit of the law are in complete agreement.”

  
Leia might as well speak an alien dialect for all Rey is concerned, but she decides that feeling sorry for herself because she’s inexperienced and not very well read would be a waste of time.

  
What they quickly agree upon is the legal ground for the Union’s assembly where as many planetary systems as possible will be represented.

  
Rey and Ben were never unanimous about the mode of that representation. She was more in favor of the representatives being elected; Ben thought it would be a waste of time and resources, and suggested appointing them himself. In the end, she persuaded him to leave that to the inhabitants of those planetary systems and he grudgingly agreed, under the condition of having a veto right in everything.

  
No one even dreams of disputing the Supreme Leader’s right to disapprove of the representatives, let alone his right to preside the Assembly, but that might as well be because it is a well-known fact that Kylo Ren is not a politician, nor possesses the necessary patience to deal with dots and commas and listen to long speeches.

  
They know they can wear him out.

  
His presidency would at best be only titular and Senator Lerona Lylin emerges as the most obvious candidate to actually preside the future Union’s assembly, not only because of her own qualities, but also because of an ambition to become a new Mon Mothma written all over her face.

  
As the future Union assembly slowly takes shape Rey thinks how long that clumsy name will stay before everyone reverses to calling it simply the Senate, despite Ben’s protests.

  
But this is not what preoccupies her.

  
There’s a thought in the back of her mind, a treacherous feeling that she’s not seeing things properly, that her mind has been clouded by Chandrilan politicians’ eloquence and mannerisms.

  
She feels trapped by their silver tongues.

  
The unsolved situation in the Outer rim is another nagging thing and this being _that day after_ when she's supposed to act upon her hunch, she corners Leia on their way to lunch and conveys her doubts and the necessity of speaking to Poe.

  
Leia motions her to follow her into her office.

  
“Does Ben know about this?” she asks.

  
Rey’s chest tightens. She instinctively knows he wouldn’t see things the way she does and she has no time to engage in long explanations.

  
“I’m not sure if he suspects anything. But please don’t tell him I talked to Poe until I get the full picture.”

  
She doesn’t need to run everything by him when she knows in advance he would probably much rather fly to the Outer rim to give everyone a piece of his mind.

  
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Leia says cautiously, going out of the office to give her some privacy.

  
Poe’s warm eyes fill the holo screen in front of her in a matter of seconds.

  
“How’s life? Enjoying the weather?” he asks amiably. Looking at his unconcerned face, Rey relaxes a bit.

  
Maybe this is all a product of her overworked imagination after all.

  
“I’m stuck drafting laws in a hall without windows,” she says. “I don’t even know if it’s a day or a night outside.”

  
He chuckles and chats a bit about the events in the base. Apparently Finn is spending lots of time with a mechanic girl and that piece of gossip makes Rey both curious and brings a smile on her face.

  
“Listen, Poe, I’ve been meaning to ask you about a situation in the Outer rim? Can you tell me anything about it?”

  
“No,” he simply says.

  
“No?”

  
“No, for there is no situation to speak of. I don’t know what kind of intel that fool Hux based his emergency on, but it’s as peaceful as it can be. I even flew around and talked to random inhabitants. Nobody could pinpoint anything even remotely resembling a so called rebellion. Even the smugglers are laying low at the moment, awaiting the results of your negotiations, eager to see the new trade routes so that they can act proactively and bypass them.”

  
“So there is no emergency, no impeding conflict and no need for any major stormtroopers gathering,” she sums it up and he confirms.

  
“I thought he reported back to you and Kylo. I should’ve maybe done it myself,” he adds, scratching his forehead.

  
She hurries to finish their conversation and then stays there for a moment, staring at the dark holo screen, considering her options.

  
Telling Ben right out that General Hux has been lying to him and basing it all on info provided by Poe strikes her as a risky path. Not telling him anything about it and trying to assess the situation on her own feels even riskier.

  
What if General Hux is piling up the forces to act?  Against the remnants of the Resistance?  Against them? Is he planning a coup?

  
And all that while they’re sitting here like clay pigeons, negotiating and being guarded by a handful of knights.

  
Chandrila as a military force is dead and it would probably take even a rusty and disorganized army only a few minutes to conquer it all.

  
All this leads to one conclusion: she has to warn Ben.

 

 

___________________________

 

 

She finds him deep in conversation over lunch with a young man, whom he introduces as Lens Ro-Kiintor, the Senator’s son. The man is about Rey’s age, with amiable countenance, light eyes and hair, looking at Ben with eagerness one finds in those who finally met someone they heard so much about.

  
Rey joins them at the table, but refuses to eat, fidgeting, all tense and jittery. Ben finally notices her discomfort and she gives him a sign to follow her out of the building.

  
Once outside, she makes sure they find a secluded place close to a park, but nowhere near any of the edifices that might be a good hiding place for anything falling into the category of covert listening device.

  
“When was the last time you talked to General Hux?” she asks seriously in low voice, close to a whisper.

  
Ben cocks his head, frowning a bit.

  
“Yesterday. We have a scheduled briefing later today. Why?”

  
She tells him in a few words about her doubts. Upon hearing it all, his face darkens.

  
“Let me get this straight: you didn’t share your doubts with me. You went straight to Poe. No doubt my mother was all too happy to assist you!” he barks his words at her.

  
“No, Ben, you don’t get it. This is not about you….”

  
“You keep saying that to blind me for what you’re doing. You shunned me to the side and went straight to the people you trust. Your Resistance pals.”

  
The intensity of rage his words provoke in her surprises her. She’s too stunned to talk, but she’s fuming, trying to find her voice and at last she succeeds in it.

  
“You let your vanity and wounded pride get in the way of everything! Yes, I felt more comfortable talking to Poe and Leia about this! I also didn’t want to talk to you acting only on a hunch, before I got a confirmation from Poe.”

  
“What confirmation? It’s his word against Hux’.”

  
She looks at him as if she’s seeing him for the first time.

  
“Since when do you trust Hux? Do you honestly believe that there would be no resistance from anyone in the First order once you killed Snoke? Do you trust anyone there?” she hurls the words at him.

  
“Hux is a good soldier, but he needs a master. He’s not much worth on his own and he knows it. I know what he’s capable of. Just leave this to me.”

  
“May I remind you we’re in this together? I don’t want to _leave_ anything to you! Especially if your haughtiness makes you put your blind trust into unreliable people,” she yells at him, by now totally unconcerned who’s hearing them.

  
“The only _unreliable_ person here is you! My word is never enough for you, until you run everything by Saint Poe,” he thunders, following her example and disregarding any possible danger of being overheard. “I am never enough for you, Rey.”

  
Angry, treacherous tears well her eyes.

  
“How could you even think that?!” Rey stammers, shocked. “It’s just that he was there, he has a better insight than us.”

  
Ben crosses his arms over his chest, taking deep breath to steady himself.

  
“Briefing is at 6 back at the house,” he says officially. “Be there.”

  
The cold air swirls around her when he leaves her standing there, her arms hanging limply, wondering how deep his distrust runs if he misunderstands her words and actions this easily.

 

 

_____________________________

 

 

The afternoon negotiations drag for what it feels like for ever, but just before they call it a day, Mon Mathma wanna-be announces her consent with the proposed constitution of the future Union.

Rey misses Leia by her side, for the old politician deemed she’d be more useful helping her son deal with her ancient opponent.

  
Rey is in dark concerning the status in Ben’s part of negotiations, and doesn’t want to ask. Briefly she considers peaking into the big hall, where he’s sitting opposing Senator Ro-Kiintor and Major Deso, but gives up on it.

  
She will not go to him. She’s too furious for that.

  
She runs down those long stairway, occasionally skipping a step or two in order to get the stiffness caused by sitting long in one position out of her limbs, and then she abruptly stops, surprised to find him already waiting for her by speeder.

  
“I thought you already left,” she says.

  
“We came together, we leave together,” he says through clenched teeth.

  
He doesn’t say a word on their way home and Rey turns her head and stares blankly through the window at the landscape fleeting by.

  
Briefing with General Hux lives up to its name. It’s brief and inessential. When she ask him directly about the discrepancy in his and Poe’s rapports from the Outer rim, he smoothly starts explaining that the situation first came under control recently, allowing General Poe’s assessment of the situation to be less grave than his own.

  
“My motto is better safe than sorry,” he says haughtily.

  
Ben shows no contempt or approval of General Hux’ rapport. He listens to it with an additional sense of purpose, orders him to dispatch two squads of stormtroopers to Chandrila first thing in the morning and turns off the comm link as soon as possible.

  
“Satisfied?” he asks her icily.

  
“Not even close!” she retorts, storming out of the living room.

  
_This is going to be one hell of an evening_ , she thinks, eyeing herself in the bathroom mirror. She looks with zero enthusiasm at that long, white gown just hanging there, but then decides to do her best with what she has at hand and let the chips fall where they may.

  
The result surprises even her. She looks kind of majestic in it, and she pins her hair in an imitation of a stylish bun on top of her head. It doesn’t come out as bad as she was afraid in the end, although she is far from skillful in doing anything else with her hair apart from the usual triple bun.

  
The dress hugs her like a second skin, exposing her slender bare back and long neck, ending in a gorgeous tie on the nape. She has no shoes to go with it, but decides to wear her soft boots. In any case, they’ll be hidden under the long gown.

  
She smiles at her own reflection.

  
_A desert rat in disguise_.

  
Rey finally feels ready to face the world.

 

___________________________

 

 

When she goes out of the bathroom, the house is so still and the Force in it so silent, she immediately knows Ben left without her.

  
It’s not easy to keep her head high when all she wants to do is curl up and cry, but she blinks and few times and goes out through the garden.

  
The Chandrilan evenings tend to be sheer magic, with deep-purple horizon and the stars twinkling faintly, fighting the remaining sun rays for attention. But she has no eyes for that kind of beauty now.

  
Lerric awaits her by the speeder.

  
“Supreme Leader’s orders,” he says simply reading the surprise on her face.

  
_Well, at least he made sure I have an escort,_ she thinks wryly, her chest slightly heaving with hidden rage.

  
She doesn’t object to Lerric driving her; she just leans back and tries to enjoy the evening.

  
It seems that the party is well on the way when they arrive to the Senator Ro-Kiintor residence, a house on the cliff with a magnificent view over Silver sea.

  
Ben is nowhere to be found, but Leia approaches her and in a few words explains that he’s putting a few final touches on the treaty he expects to be finalized tomorrow. She also informs her that the trade routes have been set, the Hanna city will be the new capital and the only remaining problem is the military force. Major Deso is persistent, but Ben is adamant in his refusal to meet those demands.

  
“Why don’t you go out there and help him?” Leia suggests.

  
Rey gives her a sad look.

  
“Let’s just say that as of this afternoon, we’re not on friendly terms,” Rey says tersely.

  
Leia just puffs.

  
“It was hard not to notice the tempest in him,” she simply says.

  
The negotiators are still nowhere to be seen when they bring in additional table with drinks and a whole orchestra takes place on the round podium.

When the dancing starts, Rey looks around in awe, wondering how come she only has heard of Chandrilans’ flair for politics and not about their partying.

However, considering the number of parties she’s attended, or even seen from the distance, she probably falls in the category _very easily impressed_.

  
Lens Ro-Kiintor materializes next to her with two pink drinks in his hand.

  
“Oh, no, thank you,” she says politely when being offered one. “I don’t drink.”

  
He bottoms both glasses out and looks at her over the brim.

  
“Don’t tell me you don’t dance either?”

  
“As a matter of fact I don’t,” she says amiably. “I've never had a chance to learn.”

  
He reaches for her hand.

  
“Then this is the perfect opportunity to right that wrong,” he says, motioning her lightly towards the center of the room, already filled with merry dancers.

  
“No, I can’t possibly,” she says, but then stops herself in the middle of that sentence, letting her curiosity and delight filling that room prevail.

  
Lens moves smoothly, with an inner grace, holding her hand lightly and trying to help her make the right step at the right time.

  
But that doesn’t seem to do any good, for she’s nowhere near what could be called a dancer at all.

  
She trips constantly - because her dress gets in the way, because she stumbles over his feet, then her own, and somehow always sways to the wrong side, which makes them both laugh and give up on it after only a few minutes.

  
“Maybe we should just sit down,” she says, laughing, feeling lighter and in a much better mood than only a few minutes ago, and looking around at the other, more skillful pairs swirling around them.

  
That’s when she meets Ben’s eyes.

  
His darkness in a room filled with light is not easy to miss.

If looks could kill, there would be nothing left of the young Ro-Kiintor.

  
Senator Ro-Kiintor, standing next to Ben, gives a sign to the orchestra to stop, and raises a toast to a successful ending of this round of negotiation, announcing that the treaty would be signed as soon as the draft is verified by the appointed members of the delegation.

  
“…and it is my ultimate pleasure to welcome Supreme Leader and Lady Rey to my house as guests of honor…” he continues, searching the crowd for Rey.

“Lady Rey? Oh, there you are!” he says, motioning her to join them.

  
Rey goes over to them and stands next to the Senator, followed by Lens and the eyes of the whole congregation.

  
By the time the Senator finishes toasting, the music erupts and dancing starts again, somehow even louder than before.

  
“Now, I hope you will enjoy this evening, and the program we have prepared for you,” the Senator says. “I am so delighted we can move on to the fun part of the evening. We have a play on the program as well as the special dance troop coming after midnight.”

  
Ben gives him a dark look, then straightens up to his full height.

  
“You must excuse me, Senator, for I intend to call it a day. But I’m sure _Lady Rey_ could be persuaded to stay, “ he says with a cruel smile.

  
Rey’s vision clouds on hearing his words.

  
“I had a long day, too,” she starts, but Senator Ro-Kiintor interrupts her immediately.

  
“Please, my dear Lady Rey, you have to let us have at least one of our guests of honor. Besides, I saw you enjoying yourself with my son on the dance floor and, oh, my Maker, you looked like the dancing queen! He just told me how eager he is to repeat that experience.”

  
He winks at his son who just bows and offers her a smile.

  
Rey swallows hard and fixes a sour smile on her face.

  
“Lerric will escort you when or _if_ you decided to come _home_ ,” Ben says viciously and gives them all a quick bow before he disappears through the crowd.

  
She just gapes after him, enraged beyond what she can take, but imprisoned by the sense of propriety.

  
Meanwhile the Senator starts introducing her to the prominent members of diplomatic corps representing neighboring planets and she’s obliged to smile, shake hands and keep exchanging insignificant words until they run of representatives.

  
Lens talks all that time right into her ear, but she can’t discern his words, her mind consumed with a peculiar bout of fire.

  
_I will make Ben Solo pay for this_ , she thinks darkly.

  
Separate words reach her from her companion, all somehow unconnected - _walk, beach, moonlight,_ but convey no meaning, for her brain can’t process much at this moment.

  
“Are you all right?” Lens asks.

  
“I…you must excuse me,” Rey stammers, as she runs out of the room and down the torch-bordered stairway, followed by Senator Ro-Kiintor’s stealthy gaze.

  
She hurries towards the speeder, not waiting for Lerric to join her.

  
As Rey rides through the darkness, the darkness rises in her.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Friday, another installment of our saga
> 
> I love Fridays, they give me a sense of purpose, for I hope someone out there enjoys reading this as much as I enjoy writing :)
> 
> Thank you do much for reading and leaving kudos and inspiring comments. 
> 
> And if you're still there, let me know what you think about this chapter ;)
> 
> I will update again next Friday and since I've already started working on that chapter, I promise it's going to be a blast.
> 
> Cheers!


	14. Dirt blossom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you all right?” he stammers, his eyes never leaving hers, and she just nods, unable to make a coherent sentence, overwhelmed by the unfamiliar sensation, by him and her being one, and by how it all feels like a part of something bigger than both of them.
> 
> He moves slowly, but she’s already ahead of him, encouraging him with her hips, her lips, her fingers, making him know he’s welcome and wanted.
> 
> She watches an incredible revelation settling in on his face.
> 
> You’re mine, his eyes say. And I’m completely yours and this…this is us how we will be from now on.
> 
> He then kisses her so softly it almost makes her cry and doesn’t break that kiss not even when he really can’t hold anything in him any longer and while she screams into his lips and keeps repeating his name.
> 
> The energy they release feels like an explosion and for a moment, the Force in them rejoices with the newly found sense of purpose.
> 
> Much later, when she catches some breath, so still in his arms, she thinks how happiness can be easily defined and has a name that echoes throughout the Galaxy.

 

Ben’s already in bed, stripped down to his underwear, sprawled over the cover, his bare back turned to her. The Force around him is fuming red, but for once it matches the one in her completely.

  
“What was that all about? Answer me!” she yells, storming into the bedroom.

  
He doesn’t move or acknowledge her presence in any other way.

  
It only makes her more furious.

  
Darkness is rising in her, pouring unhindered from who knows what pit it’s been stored in.

  
Rey doesn’t stop to think about the meaning of it all. She picks up the first thing she sees - a cushion from the chair next to her - and throws it at him.

  
He deflects it using the Force even without turning to look at her.

  
Rey takes off her boots and throws both of them at him in a quick succession, but he makes them stop midair with a flick of his finger and they both land lightly on the floor.

  
Rey then reaches for the chair and that makes him sit up, his eyes wide in surprise.

  
“Now I got your attention!” she yells as he jumps out of bed and in one smooth movement stands in front of her, his face dark and implacable.

  
“This is not a commendable behavior for a future Jedi.” he says menacingly.

  
But Rey is way past being intimidated by anyone or anything so she stands her ground with ease, gripping the chair tight, her jaw set, her teeth bared.

  
They eye each other without words.

  
“You wouldn’t dare?” he says in disbelief.

  
She makes a threatening move with the chair.

  
“Watch me!” she says but he’s already on her, using his raw strength combined with the Force to wrestle the chair out of her hands and pin her to the wall.

  
They stay in a wordless clinch for a few moments as their breathing intensifies. Rey knows the physical exertion has nothing to do with this and it goes on her nerves immensely that despite everything he still affects her this way.

  
Her saber, attached to her belt, is trapped between them.

  
He can feel her desire to reach for it, and presses his hips to hers.

  
“That belongs to me,” he says, and she’s not entirely sure if he refers only to the lightsaber.

  
She can feel every inch of his manhood rising and the proximity of his lips make her heart race - all that when she would much rather smash the chair on his head.

  
With a quick flick of her wrist, she summons his saber from the nightstand and lights it right in front of his face.

  
“What’s yours is mine!” she says, seething as his fingers clasp around her wrist, holding the saber upright.

  
He doesn’t flinch, but the look in his eyes is the same mixture of admiration and awe she saw back in the forest, when she summoned his grandfather’s lightsaber and used it on him.

  
“You just left me there!” she yells, giving up on wrestling with him and extinguishing the lightsaber. The hold of his fingers loosens.

  
“You looked like you had fun with your dance teacher,” he spits his words at her.

  
“I was just being social! As if you would know what that means. You cannot seriously act like that every time I talk to another male! This is insane!”

  
“I’ve already told you not to count on my sanity,” he says, his eyes two spiteful slits. His hips keep her pressed to the wall, the heat in her core rising rapidly along with a hollow need that wants to be attended to, the need she’s still not on first-name basis with.

  
“You’re being ridiculous. You know I would never …,” she tries to find the right words to finish that sentence.

  
_Love another man?_

  
That’s the ultimate truth but this feels like the worst of all possible moments to tell him that.

  
“…go behind my back?” he says wickedly, and leans in.

  
His hurt and loneliness hit her once again, as if someone's lifted the curtain on the stage where Ben Solo is standing abandoned.

  
_You are not alone_ , she wants to say again, but then renders it unnecessary for he must be aware of it by now, her body is telling him everything he needs to know.

  
She can push him away easily and he knows it. He also knows she has no desire to be even an inch apart from him.

  
“You don’t know how many times I imagined you in that dress. I picked it out for you and I was hoping I’d get to see you wear it one day. _For me_ ,” he whispers ruggedly.

  
“You got to see me _naked!_ Don’t tell me that doesn’t count!” she retorts.

  
She sees herself in his mind, the curves and hollows of her body, and the way he sees her makes her pulse race and her breath hitch in her throat.

  
She knows where they’re heading, she can feel it in her bones just as much as in his. The Force around them is boiling hot and sweat breaks out on her forehead.

  
“ _This_ solves nothing!” she glares at him.

  
“And violence does?” he replies smoothly, a half-smile lingering on his lips. As soon as her eyes wander towards his those full lips, her righteous wrath disappears like dew under the scorching sun.

  
She wraps her arms around his neck, buries her fingers in his luscious hair and draws him closer into one of those impossible kisses where the boundaries of their bodies and everything else that separates them, become erased.

  
There’s an untameable urgency in his lips, and the desire rolling through his body threatens to break the dam and submerge them both. He hitches up her dress, his fingers determined, irrefutable, as they travel up her bare thighs to the edge of her underwear, where they linger for a long second before plunging in.

  
“Rey,” he rolls her name on his tongue, pulling away a bit.

  
The dark fire in his eyes is blazing, consuming her completely.

  
“If you want to stop me… if you want to leave, do it now.”

  
But who can oppose this unassailable desire that pushes everything else aside?

  
Rey has run out of reasons why not to be with him.

  
“I have nowhere to go, not anymore” she says, untying her dress and letting it fall down on the floor, taking that tiny step that brings them on the same path, aligns them like distant planets that have been seeking each other throughout indifferent universe.

  
He lifts her promptly and she wraps her legs around his waist and in two long strides he’s by the bed, flipping her flat on her back without breaking the kiss. His mouth is unrelenting, firmly pressed on hers, as if something will sneak in between them if their lips part and then they’d have to talk and explain, and, as it happens so often, fight.

  
Rey keeps her eyes shut, just like her brain.

  
_This is it_ , she says to herself. _This silence in which our bodies do the talking_.

  
Even though she knows what she loves about him and what she can’t stand belong to the same person - reconciling herself to it somehow doesn’t seem impossible at this moment, in the light of this ancient pull between them coming to life, as their bodies become awake with it.

  
She slowly pulls down his underwear and stares at his stark naked length with a touch of anxiety and appreciation.

  
“We’ll take it slowly,” he says ruggedly as he caresses her breasts with his lips and his vigorous fingers, until her spine arches and the only sound she can make is an indistinct grunt in the back of her throat.

  
_If this is slow, what’s he like when he takes it fast?_ she wonders.

  
As his lips glide lower, he relieves her of her underwear using his teeth and for a moment just hovers between her legs in apparent awe.

  
There is no shame in her mind, nor does she know what that might mean as this intolerable, maddening warmth spreads through her body, provoked by his playful tongue, by her own body taking up that game, the only one between them that is not about fighting, but about giving and receiving.

  
“Now,” she says simply, as she swallows hard and pulls him up, never breaking the eye contact with him.

  
She’s equal parts scared and eager for the new sensations.

  
He’s still, he’s very still as she guides him inside, smothering her fear with determination. He doesn’t even breathe until she shifts, raising her hips ever so slowly to accommodate him better, amazed how much she can stretch and how much pleasure there is above the pain.

  
“Are you all right?” he stammers, his eyes never leaving hers, and she just nods, unable to make a coherent sentence, overwhelmed by the unfamiliar sensation, by him and her being one, and by how it all feels like a part of something bigger than both of them.

  
He moves slowly, but she’s already ahead of him, encouraging him with her hips, her lips, her fingers, making him know he’s welcome and wanted.

  
She watches an incredible revelation settling in on his face.

  
_You’re mine_ , his eyes say. _And I’m completely yours and this…this is us how we will be from now on._

  
He then kisses her so softly it almost makes her cry and doesn’t break that kiss not even when he really can’t hold anything in him any longer and while she screams into his lips and keeps repeating his name.

  
The energy they release feels like an explosion and for a moment, the Force in them rejoices with the newly found sense of purpose.

  
Much later, when she catches some breath, so still in his arms, she thinks how happiness can be easily defined and has a name that echoes throughout the Galaxy.

 

  
___________________________

 

  
The twin moonlight draws patterns over their faces and Rey wakes up with a start. It’s still the middle of the night, and the house is dark and silent.

  
The dress she so proudly wore last night lies crumpled on the floor. Rey looks at it, wondering if it’s totally ruined but then decides it’s not worth that worry.

  
Ben breathes evenly behind her and she shifts a bit to look at him. His messy hair is hiding his forehead, and yet, the shadow of his long lashes falls over his pale cheekbones.

She could paint that face, she mapped it with her lips.

  
Judging by the fatigue in her bones and heaviness of her lids, she slept only for a few hours, but she is too happy to be really tired, or to allow herself to go back to sleep and dilute this incredible feeling.

The sheets surrounding her are warm and a bit sticky, and she blushes faintly thinking about the hunger in their bodies and how they couldn’t get enough of each other until they fell asleep in each other’s arms, exhausted and immensely delighted. And the best about it all is this new sense of belonging, this completeness she has never experienced before, this resonance she only had a preview of back on Ahch-To, when they held hands.

  
Ben shifts in his sleep and tightens his hold around her waist. She scoots closer him, and her head finds home on his chest.

He looks so peaceful, his scar a tiny furrow in the starlight, his scent faintly sweaty and so human. She inhales him, still thirsty for him. It’s the scent of bliss and this impossible and complete happiness.

  
She lifts the cover slightly to look at his naked body underneath.

  
It’s her territory, the one she charted with her eyes, her fingers, her lips. She can still taste him and it arouses her so much.

  
“Predator,” he murmurs, not opening his eyes as she slides under the cover to explore some more.

His heartbeat is steady and soothing, but his breathing intensifies as her arm brushes across his abs, wanders over his hips and the man inside him wakes up and rises as she breathes life in it.

  
“Look at me, “ she says, pinning him with her eyes, as she emerges from underneath the cover.

  
He envelops her with those long arms, his fingers entering her, exploring, wondering.

  
Rey climbs him and rides him as the stars peek through his window, reflecting themselves in his eyes.

 

 

  
_________________________

 

 

  
It rains in her dream, soft, refreshing drops falling randomly on her head, her cheeks, her eyelids. She stirs a bit and waking up slowly, sees Ben’s face hovering over her, his wet hair dripping all over her.

  
“Good morning,” he says, his lips widening into a smile.

  
“That doesn’t cover it,” she says, stretching and yawning. “Perfect morning. Although…she shifts a bit and winces slightly.

  
He frowns a bit, awaiting the explanation.

  
“Although I’m not sure I’ll be able to walk today,” she says, blushing, remembering why she’s feeling so sore.

  
He lays his head on her bare stomach.

  
“Sorry,” he murmurs into her navel.

  
“It’ll go over,” she says bravely. “Practice will make me the master.”

  
“Then I can’t wait for another training session,” he chuckles and starts planting kisses all over her body.

  
“I need to take a shower!”

She tries to push him away, giggling.

  
“No, you don’t. You smell marvellous,” he replies, his nose buried in her neck.

  
“Come here,” she says suddenly.

  
She gathers his wet hair together, makes him sit in front of her, ties his hair in a bun and looks critically at him.

  
“Yes, this will do.”

  
He groans, but doesn’t protest.

  
“I never had any friends to play with or dolls apart from those I made myself,” she continues.

  
He flips her over on her back.

  
“Is that what I am now? An oversized doll? Is there a bottom to this fall?”

  
He nibbles on her neck and she wiggles a bit underneath him to give him a better access to her most sensitive spot, just over her collar bone.

  
“How the mighty have fallen!"

  
“By the time you’re done with me, there won’t me much of me left to rule the Galaxy,” he murmurs and she just sighs and pushes him away lightly.

  
His words bring her back to reality and now seems as good time as any to broach the subject of his behavior last night.

  
“Ben…we have to talk about yesterday.”

  
He grunts unwillingly, but Rey knows she has to push this through. And his yesterday’s words still hurt so much.

  
“Help me understand how your brain works. How can you just wipe out everything we did together and assume I’ll betray you?” she asks, trying to sound milder than she feels.

  
“Don’t go behind my back, Rey,” he says seriously. “I need to know you’ll stand with me first, that I’ll be your first choice in everything.”

  
“But how can you doubt me? After everything? I shipped myself across the Galaxy to be with you!”

  
Her voice almost breaks at the end of that sentence and he looks back at her, his face dejected.

  
She’s initiated this conversation, determined to listen to his side of the story and try to understand in order to prevent these kind of misunderstandings, but that sounded better in theory, for now she’s found herself again amid this whirlpool of emotions.

  
_I must not cry_ , she thinks, but the lump in her throat feels hard and undeniable.

  
“I wish saying sorry would be enough,” he says, his lips reduced to that familiar, quivering mess.

  
“I don’t want your apology. I want to understand,” she says, wiping an escaped tear from the corner of her eye.

  
He takes her fingers in his and stares at them for a long time.

  
“What I’m trying to do here is not what I was trained for. I learn as I go. I learn from the right moves just like from mistakes, both mine and yours. And I’ve never felt like this about anyone else in my life. I didn’t even know it was possible to belong to someone like this.”

  
His eyes search for hers and there’s anguish and hope there that break her heart just a bit.

  
“And because with you everything is enhanced, everything feels over the top, and that’s sometimes more than I can take, because you take me to the heights I’ve never dreamed of, it also means that when I fall, I plummet so deep down I can’t comprehend it. So I need you beside me to catch me before I fall, Rey.”

  
He takes her fingers up to his still quivering lips and lightly kisses them.

  
“Then hold on to me, Ben. Don’t turn on me,” she says. “I want to be with you, but I also want to be free to talk to, or seek advice from, or even dance with anyone without being afraid you’re going to force-choke them afterwards!”

  
He exhales sharply.

  
“Do you really need to dance with anyone else?”

  
“No,” she laughs against her will. ”I suck at it, but that’s beside the point.”

  
“Lens Ro-Kiintor should consider himself lucky he got out of that dance room alive. I grew up on this planet where they teach us that dancing is the ultimate art of seduction, so when I saw him holding you like that…,” he sucks his breath in sharply.

  
“Don’t change the subject. Wait, you can dance?” she asks in awe.

  
“Not willingly,” he admits. “But I was born on this planet. It’s part of our education.”

  
He gives her a tiny smile.

  
“That’s another thing I can teach you….”

  
For a moment Rey sees the two of them swirling slowly to the rhythm of some otherworldly music, him so full of light, herself with eyes full of him, not in a room but in a garden, in _their_ garden and that vision is so real, so tangible that she sees the reflection of it in his eyes, too.

  
“Ben, the next time you have any doubts about us, please try to remember that I’m here because I can’t be anywhere you’re not,” she says peacefully. “Nothing else in this galaxy matters.”

  
“Then don’t ever leave me again,” he murmurs, drawing her closer. “Just marry me already and stay.”

  
She lifts her face to him a bit surprised at his need to officiate their relationship, for in her mind they’re bigger than that, they don’t need to make a vow before anyone or anything for what the Force puts together can never be apart.

  
The tiny, hopeful smile is still lingering on his lips, and she sees future twins of that smile aligned in an endless timeline that unfolds straight before her eyes. She sees them together, getting old here, in this house, in this garden and her heart rejoices.

  
“Don’t act surprised. I’ve already asked you to marry me once before,” he adds softly.

  
“That wasn’t a real proposal!” she laughs heartily. “Really. Ben! You can’t count that one in!”

  
“But it was an honest one,” he says seriously, looking like a person who’s gained some ground and will not be swayed.

  
“You really mean it?”

  
“Yes! Marry me, so that I don’t have to flip out every time you dance with another man. Then I’d know you’d always come home to me.”

  
“I always come to you anyway. You don’t have to marry me to keep me around,” she says nestling into him.

  
“I believe that’s what you do when you can’t live without someone,” he says simply.

  
She lifts her head and kisses him lightly.

  
“Except that Jedi are not allowed to marry,” she says teasingly.

  
He grunts again and hides his face in her hair.

  
“Then the Jedi need another set of rules. You still want to be one?” he asks cautiously.

  
She can feel him coming to terms with that idea in his own way, turning it around to see how it could fit them both, even if he doesn’t entirely approve of it all.

  
“I want to see what the Force has prepared for me if I follow that path. It’s just as much a part of me as you are.”

  
That seems to be enough of a reason for him for he just kisses her and says nothing. He holds her in his arms and plays with her hair and she’s so warm and relaxed she hates the idea of getting up and getting ready to go and face Chadrilan politicians once again.

  
The Force around them seems to be in such a perfect balance, Rey reaches out just to feel that all-pervading peace.

  
“You feel it too,” Ben says, as he kisses the line of her neck.

  
“We seem to be doing fine today,” she says in awe.

  
“It’s still early in the morning,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows at her, making her laugh.

  
His personal comm link starts ringing insistently, but he puts it on silent and pushes it under the pillow, murmuring _Later._ The continuous, incessant buzzing of the device is a reminder that their time is up.

  
“We’ll have to leave soon anyway,” she says, sighing heavily.

  
“I know,” he says, “But this is the best day of my life. I want to enjoy every minute of it just with you.”

 

 

 

______________________

 

 

The towel she wraps herself in after taking the shower smells like sunshine and herbs from the garden. She buries her nose in it, inhales deeply and sighs, for lingering in the garden would probably be impossible today and there’s nothing she’d want more.

  
She looks longingly at Ben’s broad back as he sits on the edge of the bed and puts his boots on with sharp, precise movements.

  
He turns his head to look at her and gives her a half-smile.

His hair is all over this face, the improvised bun she tied it in no longer holding it. He flips it off with an impatient movement.

  
“I’ll go through the storage to see if we have any food left. Then we go,” he says, huffing and standing up abruptly.

  
She feels like dashing to him to fix his hair and kiss him once again before they go out to face the world, but she's genuinely afraid that might push them both over the edge and make them reconsider the necessity of leaving this bedroom at all.

  
So she just nods and reaches for her tunic and leggings.

  
She dresses up quickly, ties her hair in a loose bun and she’s in the middle of fastening the belt over her tunic when the comm link starts buzzing again.

  
She answers it with a sharp _Yes,_ but instead of Hux’ voice she expected to hear, Leia’s clear voice fills the air.

  
“Get out of the house now! They’re com-“ the rest of the sentence is lost in a faint gurgle and then there’s just static.

  
Rey is not sure she's heard Ben call her name or just imagined hearing him in her mind, as she turns towards the door leading out of the bedroom, as if in slow-motion, for several things happen simultaneously.

  
She hears a popping sound coming from the garden as if a blaster has been fired at the same time as the disturbance in the Force reaches her as an icy wave.

  
Ben’s dark presence is not easy to miss, and she rushes to him, reaching at the same time for her lightsaber.

  
Ben, Annanda and Brice are in the garden, standing back to back in a triangle, their lightsabers blasting.

  
Underneath the boots of hundreds of stormtroppers advancing from all sides, Lerric’s lifeless body is rolling on the ground, his blond hair smeared with blood so red it looks as if the dirt blossomed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and commenting - it's all equally motivating :) 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope I got this chapter right, so please, let me know how you feel about it.
> 
> I tried to keep the rating mature (not that it's anything wrong with going explicit, mind you :-)) just because I feel it suits this story best.  
> Now, on second thought, I'm not sure I succeeded in it, but I'm sure you'll let me know :-)
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading and May the 4th be with you all XXX


	15. Serpent under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The threat in his words is palpable and he’s not even trying to hide it.
> 
> “There will be blood, if anyone stands in my way.”
> 
>  
> 
> Rey’s eyes well with tears.
> 
>  
> 
> “So you are finally going to let Kylo Ren win?”
> 
>  
> 
> “I am Kylo Ren!” he yells at her.

  
_It is amazing how you can think of so many things simultaneously being at same time stuck in a moment where you don’t have the time to think about any of it_ , Rey thinks.

  
The benevolent scent of garden herbs lingers in the mild Chandrilan sun-bathed air, evoking the scent of Ben’s skin on hers.

  
The slanting rays of sun remind her of the mildness of Lerric’s smile the last time she saw him at the party.

  
And that is all in sharp contrast with the black and white, helmeted army, advancing steadily towards them.

  
This should have been the best day of her life. The day when everything falls into place. The day of the ultimate balance in the Force and the beginning of something new, something remarkable.

  
She woke up with the feeling that the puzzle has been solved, explained; this Force in her, so dormant all her life, before she knew Ben, and so vibrant now, since she met him, suddenly made prefect sense and their life together was stretching ahead of them as an endless road with no more bumps.

  
Nothing could’ve prepared Rey for this day in which everything started falling apart.

For a fraction of a second her eyes meet Ben’s, before the advancing army cuts her off and she’s all alone in the sea of armored soldiers. She makes a few steps towards them and then the fear overwhelms her for she knows that she won’t last long alone if she doesn’t get to Ben quickly.

  
She closes her eyes briefly and lets the Force guide the movements of her body as angry blaster gas erupts everywhere around her. She blocks those blasts instinctively, clearing her way towards the center, where Ben, supported by Brice and Annanda does the same.

  
Seconds feel like days, minutes like years, but she’s working her way out, slowly and diligently, and she can occasionally glimpse Ben’s energetic movements behind the advancing army around her and even hear the buzzing of his saber.

  
The inflamed red light bounces off the stormtroopers’ armors around him and she once again reaches towards that light, imagining pulling her and enveloping her with its fury.

  
The moment she’s finally within Ben’s reach he pulls her behind his back with his free hand.

  
The brief relief surges through him before they resume the attack, standing once again back to back.

  
The Force starts humming in the rhythm of their lightsabers and for a moment the world is red and blue, and buzzing with increasing intensity.

  
Annanda and Brice stand also back to back next to them, within the Force field Ben ad Rey create, shielded by it, so not too many enemies even reach them.

  
Everything feels like a dream, like a peculiar, otherworldly trance, because Rey is somehow able to perceive what’s happening outside of her and inside as well, as her body, so impossibly attuned in the Force to Ben’s, works its way through the enemy lines, in a perfect unison with his.

  
They are so in sync, their coordinated movements make them two perfect killing machines.

  
The Force field around them feels much stronger than on the Supremacy, when they fought with Snoke’s guard.

  
The battle might feel endless, but in reality it lasts only a few minutes.

  
There are already rows of enemies underneath their feet and the pile is getting bigger with every passing second.

  
The next row of stormtroopers in line halt, insecure of how to proceed when there’s so many of them already on the ground, defeated, and then they half-heartedly lift their blasters, and point at them.

  
The air starts shimmering visibly and the stormtroopers look around as if in awe. That causes the necessary distraction and the Ben’s commanding voice rises above the crowd.

  
“Drop your weapons!”

  
His command must sound ridiculous considering the numbers in the field, and yet again, the unease spreading among the enemies is almost palpable.

  
“Charge!” commands the stormtroopers’ captain and upon hearing that the row closest to Rey and Ben mindlessly obeys only to get slain cleanly as the Force spreads like a wave around the two of them and the garden buzzes with electric discharge.

  
Rey has no time to spare a thought to the enemies, but in the back of her mind, there’s a tiny dark core that enjoys this all.

  
Ben’s dark Force is all around her and she feeds on it, feeling herself become more ferocious, more determined with every minute passing.

  
In that frenzy, Rey is not entirely aware of the fact she’s slaying the unarmed opponents, for most of the stormtroopers have thrown their blasters on the ground and are retreating in panic.

  
Annanda and Brice are pursuing them viciously, kicking their weapons away until they corner what’s left of them by the sea and command them to sit down on the ground and take off their helmets. Most of them are a sorry sight - young, desperate, some in tears, but Rey has no time to be sorry for them, as she rushes over to Ben.

  
“Who? Why?” is all she can say before his long arms clasp around her, drawing her into a tight embrace.

  
“Only one person could be this arrogant and ignorant of the ways of the Force,” he says clearly. “You were right all along,” he adds not without remorse in his voice.

  
_General Hux_! rings in her mind.

  
“A coup?” she asks incredulously.

  
“A very unsuccessful one,” he replies menacingly.

  
But then he lifts his head and starts listening to something she can’t hear, something that feels like a vague cry for help ringing in the distant Force.

  
Ben’s face is darker than the night as he instantly starts running towards the front of the house, where the speeders are parked. The only thing Rey can do is try to keep up with him, abandoning pursuing the remaining, dispirited stormtroopers, trusting that Annanda and Brice would be able to handle them on their own.

  
She barely has time to hop into the speeder next to Ben and brace herself for an insane ride through Hanna city streets.

  
___________________________

 

“Slow down,” she yells at him, but he at first doesn’t even seem to have heard her, his eyes seemingly on the road, but in reality somewhere far away.

  
“No time,” he replies through his clenched teeth. “He has Leia.”

  
“ _Who_ has Leia? “Rey asks, perplexed. “Is she all right?

  
But her words find no answer as Ben flies over the streets of his hometown.

  
He parks underneath the long stairway leading to the Senate building and jumps out of the speeder.

  
Rey follows him, panting, running up the stairs after him until they reach the top, where the entrance is guarded by a group of stormtroopers.

  
The viciousness and determination with which Ben slaughters them one by one make her blood freeze.

  
She has an uneasy feeling this is a path of no return, leading only to the downfall.

  
The next group emerges from within the Senate and runs towards them.

  
“We have no time for this,” Ben says, pulling her towards the adjacent Republic Palace and down to Alberio’s kitchen, where the indifferent droids go about their business as if the town is not in disarray.

  
Ben leads her to the pantry, kicks a seemingly unused door and opens a passage behind the walls of the Palace for them.

  
“Years of roaming this place come useful today,” he says quickly and dives into the darkness filled with cobwebs. She’s holding her arms in front of her face to prevent the sticky threads from entering her eyes and mouth, and entangling in her hair, so she fails to notice he’s stopped in front of her, listening to the darkness.

  
“He’s in the tower!” he says finally, running up the spiral stairs, taking two at a time.

  
“Ro-Kiintor?” Rey yells after him, finally putting two and two together.

  
For it must be the old politician’s scheme with which he hopes to kill two birds with one stone: exterminate his ancient enemy and incapacitate her son by ruining his project.

  
But Rey thinks that he must have never seen a person so strong with the Force in action, let alone two of them together, if he thought a handful of blasters would be enough to stop them.

  
So Leia most likely serves as his insurance.

  
Ben’s long legs are once again advantageous and when she finally catches up with him, he’s standing at the small door leading into a round room, his saber posed to strike. She takes her saber out, lights it and slowly looks around him.

  
Senator Ro-Kiintor stands almost completely hidden behind Leia, holding a knife pressed against her neck.

  
“Don’t move, don’t even breathe,” he says to both of them.

  
Leia’s looking at them, her chin lifted at an odd angle and yet seeming as if she’s still in perfect command of the situation.

  
Rey feels that peculiar Force silence spreading around her and Leia’s clear voice in it.

  
“Don’t give him what he wants.”

  
Senator Ro-Kiintor may have guessed what she’s doing, for he tightens his grip and presses the tip of his knife closer to her skin.

  
They stand in perfect equipoise, a forced balance, and nobody dares to move.

Rey thinks she can still manage to come close enough to use the Force on the Senator, but then she realizes Ben could do it easily without blinking if he only dared.

  
His fear suddenly fills the air around her, fills her mind, and she feels it like a wire tying both of them to the woman in front of them that’s being held hostage.

  
“You‘ve chosen the wrong ally, Senator,” Ben says firmly. “Just when I began to think we’d get along in the long run, you turn out to be a serpent all along.”

  
“General Hux is much more a Supreme Leader material than you’ll ever be!” Ro- Kiintor retorts. “You, Skywalkers, have never been good for anything. You're unstable, unreliable, violent, you stick to that outworn religion of yours. The future of this Galaxy lies in technology and progress, not in your ancient mysticism.”

  
Ben shifts uncomfortably.

  
“Let her go and I’ll let you live. Don’t push me any further, Senator, and I will not use _that outworn religion_ on you. You can still walk away and I’ll spare you,” he says through clenched teeth.

  
Rey has an insistent feeling that this is his breaking point, that Ben is still within reach, but not for long, for she can feel him gliding towards the darkness.

  
She steps closer to him, almost touching him.

  
_Here, hold on to my light,_ she wishes to say, but instead she focuses on the Senator Ro-Kiintor, hoping he’d understand Ben has offered him a way out, one last chance.

  
“Listen to him, Senator!” she pleads. “Please, let her go!”

  
“Now, I am going to move slowly to the door and you two will stay where I can see you. And none of your occult tricks, for I’ll slit her throat before you even blink. Don’t think I won’t do it! I’ve been dreaming about this moment almost all my life!” he sniggers positioning himself closer to the wall, intending to follow the curve of it until he gets to the door.

  
Rey has no doubts Leia won’t come out of this alive and just blinks, preparing to do something to stop him.

  
_Think, Rey, use the Force_!

  
Leia looks intently back at them and then she makes a sudden movement trying to set herself free, the movement so unforeseen that the tip of Senator Ro-Kiintor’s knife breaks her skin and a tiny stream of blood trickles down her throat and blossoms on her white dress.

  
Rey feels it all before she manages to process the information - as Leia’s blood spreads all over her dress, Ben gasps and she knows he’s gone.

  
Ro-Kiintor stabs Leia in the throat, as Ben blows him backwards with the Force and then immediately hurls himself at him faster than the lightning. It happens so fast, so unexpected, that Rey doesn’t react in time.

  
Leia falls down on the floor, holding her injured throat, Rey runs to her to check the wound, while Ben, standing over the Senator, keeps stabbing him violently until his hands are red with the old man’s blood.

  
He’s out of control, merciless and very imprecise in his rampage.

  
Leia closes her eyes and lets her head fall back on the floor, a small tear trickling from the corner of her eye.

Rey on the other hand, has no words, no tears, no thoughts at that moment.

  
She looks at Ben, her eyes wide, her mouth gaping, trying to grasp the meaning of it all.

  
When their eyes finally meet, she knows that’s not Ben looking back at her.

 

___________________

 

He rushes out, his eyes bloodshot, the Force in him frantic.

  
“Ben!” Rey yells after him, still kneeling beside Leia, trying to stop her bleeding.

  
“Go after him!” Leia stammers, pressing the wound on her neck. “This is nothing.”

  
Rey turns to go, purposefully ignoring casting even a fleeting glance towards the bloody leftovers of Senator Ro-Kiintor.

  
Ben is already in front of the building when she catches up with him, and he's viciously slaying the stormtroopers and frightening bystanders with the combination of his raw strength, skill and the Force.

  
She has never seen him so enraged, so out of control and she stands paralyzed for a moment, his name frozen on her lips.

  
Lens Ro-Kiintor comes running at that very moment and halts before Ben.

  
“My father…” he starts, breathless, his eyes darting to Rey.

  
“Is a traitor and got what he deserved. As will the rest of this cursed establishment starting with you!” Ben says lifting his saber high above the head of the frightened young man.

  
Rey screams, running to stand between them, directing the Force towards Ben, but the Force is jittery, so it feels as if it bounces off him and knocks her down.

  
She’s back on her feet, her saber lit, sliding between Ben and Lens just in time to block his blow.

Once again they’re locked in a clinch, their sabers buzzing against each other, just like back there, in the forest, a lifetime ago.

  
Except that this time the gap between them is wider than it had ever been, wider than that Force-made fissure on Starkiller Base.

  
“No, Ben! No!”

  
He looks back at her not showing any intention of ending their standoff.

  
“I’ll bring order to this Galaxy once and for all! Can’t you see they’re all beyond repair? Can’t you see you can’t fix their ways? Your way doesn’t work, Rey!”

  
He finally lowers his saber, but remains standing in front of her, eyeing menacingly Lens Ro- Kiintor, who’s cowering behind her back.

  
“Look at them,” he yells and points at the bodies of stormtroopers . “I betrayed them, by not realizing I should be the Supreme leader this Galaxy deserves, and not waste my time in fruitless negotiations. So they were used by the first person who could impose his authority on them. I should’ve known and yet I choose to follow you!”

He spits his words at her as if all this, including his mother’s injury.

  
“Ben,” Rey breathes his name. “Don’t give up now. We’ve come so close.”

  
“Can’t you see how they played us? By negotiating to buy time so that Hux could prepare the coup? There’s your answer why these so called negotiations went so smoothly.”

  
He straightens up in front of her, his lips set into one determined line.

  
“I’m going to find Major Deso and Senator Lylin to ask them a few questions,” he says with a clear voice. The people in the crowd gathered around them take a few reluctant steps back.

The threat in his words is palpable and he’s not even trying to hide it.

“There will be blood, if anyone stands in my way.”

  
Rey’s eyes well with tears.

  
“So you are finally going to let Kylo Ren win?”

  
“ _I am Kylo Ren_!” he yells at her.

  
He looks back at her intently, those black eyes shiny buttons on his bruised face. He reminds her so much of that Ben from the forest long time ago, but even that version of him would listen and even try to understand.

  
Ben she is looking at now is beyond her reach.

  
“Ben, this is not the way,” she says, pleading, trying to find the flicker of light in his eyes.

  
“It has always been the way, Rey. The only way,” he says, the eyes looking back at her hard and relentless.

  
She can’t see Ben there. There’s only Kylo filling the void and growing in front of her eyes until he’s bigger than the sky and he’s everywhere.

  
“But my offer still stands. Join me and let’s burn this Galaxy to the ground and build something new,” he says, his eyes blazing.

  
Her heart hardens in an instant. Her eyes are fierce, impenetrable, her indignation making her taller, grander.

  
“We’ve played that game already, _Kylo,_ ” she says. His face for a moment looks as if she stabbed him. “You don’t need a partner. You need an _accomplice_. And I will be none.”

  
Her words hang limply between them.

  
“Rey, how come you don't see it?" His voice is suddenly low, filled with wonder, with genuine wish to convey his perspective. "The inhabitants of this Galaxy have been playing democracy, republic, union, they have been using grand words to hide their greed and corruption for as long as I’ve known. Everything always stays the same in the essence,only the form changes. Empire is the same as Republic, it benefits the few and rewards rapacity. Greed and corruption always find the way to go on. They proved they need to be ruled and I am doing just that, whether you like it or not.”

  
“Fixing the problems of this Galaxy with violence is like trying to put out a fire by adding fuel on it! The Union needs you to be patient, not single-handedly suspend each and every law we wrote together! It seems to me you were just toying with me to please me so that I could stay here. You couldn’t wait to regain the absolute power!”

  
His eyes narrow at her words.

  
“So you think you finally see through me? Is that what you were thinking all along, that this is some kind of a sick game I’m playing? If you really feel like that, why are you still here?” he yells at her. “If you don’t have the stomach for this, for taking the necessary albeit painful decisions, you can just leave.”

  
Her heart breaks in thousand little pieces right there, for she can feel he really mean it, and the hurt in her chest almost makes her double over.

  
“Congratulations,” she says, biting back her tears. “You’re finally on the way to live up to your grandfather’s legacy. Isn't that what you always wanted the most?”

  
She pushes past him and the crowd parts to let her go.

  
On her way to the speeder Rey is painfully aware that the Force in Ben is finally devoid of any light.

 

______________________

 

She is not entirely sure how she’s found her way back to the house.

  
The bedroom, _their_ bedroom, looks the same and yet entirely different, for even though their clothes is still strewn over the bed and the floor, the quality of air is as if nobody lived there for a very long time.

  
She doesn’t dare look at the bed, so she keeps her gaze focused, as she throws the Jedi books into her bag and picks up the dress from the floor. Her jaw is set, her eyes hard when she throws it in the trash chute.

  
_Let the past die, he said. So be it!_

  
With Algernon safely tucked into the folds of her tunic she’s already at the door, when she realizes that Anakin’s saber is still attached to her belt.

 _You're no longer mine_ , she thinks.

With a heavy sigh she takes it off, holds it for a moment in her palms like a precious thing and then leaves it on the nightstand.

  
She knows what she should do and where she should go now.

 

_________________________

 

 

“So, you’re running away?” Annanda says, eyeing her spitefully. She and Brice are still guarding those few dismayed stormtroopers, who are nervously sweating in the sun.

  
_True to herself to the end_ , Rey thinks.

She can rub her nose, she can fight her, she can engage in a spiteful exchange, but she’s so tired of the girl’s hostility.

  
_Tired of it all._

  
“He’s all yours,” Rey just says instead, moving towards Brice who gives her a quick hug.

  
“Will you be all right here?” Rey asks her and Brice only nods.

  
“Kylo’s back on Supremacy to deal with General Hux. He called us on comm link and told us to wait here. He’s sending reinforcement.”

  
S _o he took Supremacy back! Then General Hux must be....dead? Imprisoned? In exile?  
_

But none of it is her business anymore.

  
Once back at the docking station in that empty hangar she uses the first comm link she finds to send her coordinates to Chewie.

  
As she boards the Millennium Falcon, she feels Ben’s eyes through the Force bond boring in her back, but is determined not to turn and grant him that one last look.

  
“Get me out of here,” she says to Chewie.

  
_So this is what the end feels like_ , she thinks, closing the ramp on the Falcon behind her.

  
Burning tears are overflowing her eyes and blurring her vision as the stars zoom by her, until the tunnel of hyperspace disappears and the blackness of space matches the blackness inside her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this late update, but as it goes, life sometimes takes over and the only thing I can say is a very optimistic: better (to update) late than never :)
> 
>  
> 
> I owe you all a batch of space muffins for being so patient with me this week ;)
> 
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> I love your comments and kudos and thank you all for reading.
> 
> This chapter was tricky and since I wanted to update today, I didn't have time for a thorough editing, so mistakes, typos and inconsistencies will hopefully be corrected as soon as I get to that.
> 
> I am biting my nails awaiting your reaction to this sharp turn in the story


	16. Rare choice for a rare Jedi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I miss you,” he simply says. "I miss you next to me, I miss you in my arms, I miss waking up enveloped in your scent..."
> 
> His breath hitches at the end of that sentence.
> 
>  
> 
> “I miss you, too,” she replies. “But -“ she starts hastily and he just closes his eyes.
> 
>  
> 
> “I know,” he says quickly, looking as if he wouldn’t be able to sit through another one of her long and winding explanations why they can’t be together despite everything.
> 
>  
> 
> They just look at each other until the bond fades away.
> 
>  
> 
> She knows she can block the bond now, sever it in its root and she asks the Force to give her strength to do it, for the prolonged contact will be a torture for both of them.
> 
>  
> 
> But then the next thing she does that very evening is sneak out to him, calling for the bond to open only so she can watch him sleep.
> 
>  
> 
> And looking at him sprawled on his stomach, hugging the pillow tightly, she knows that there’s still a tiny flicker of hope in her heart and that she has no strength to extinguish it completely.

 

“You don’t think he’ll look for me here?” Rey asks Chewie, standing on the Millennium Falcon’s boarding ramp, looking at the deserted landscape around her. It’s not entirely sand-covered as she expected it to be, but still, there are dunes interspersed throughout the landscape. Hard, red ground stretches in streaks among them, leading to the hilly terrain dotted with crumbling boulders.

  
Even though she has never before stepped on Gantooine, it feels familiar; she likes it, it smells like old days before the Awakening.

  
It almost feels like home.

  
And from where she’s standing now, even the harshness of her past scavenger life seems like heaven compared to the internal hell she’s living in.

  
“He’ll look for you everywhere,” Chewie chimes. “I’ve known him since he was born. He never gives up on the things he wants. But that’s not the point. You’re not here to hide from him. You’re here because you’re following your path.”

  
She sighs, and steps down on the sand-covered landing spot, clutching the bag containing her Jedi books.

  
Even though the planet seems deserted in every possible sense, the Force alerts her they’re being watched. But Rey is far from alarmed, for Gantooine has always been rebel-friendly and even housed a hidden Jedi enclave.  
Which is exactly why they’re here.

  
A figure of a young Wookiee rises seemingly straight out of the nearby sand dune , the lightsaber in his hand blazing bronze.

  
Rey has never seen a Wookiee with a saber and her first impulse is to reach for her weapon, for Anakin’s saber, forgetting that it’s no longer attached to her belt. The furry figure approaches them quickly, greets them and disappears in Chewie’s bear hug.

  
“My nephew Lowbacca,” Chewie introduces him. “He promised to help your cause.”

  
Lowbacca grins, extinguishes his saber and bows to her.

  
“I’ve already heard so much about you.”

  
The Force in him is so bright and stable, Rey takes instant liking of him.

  
“You’re a Jedi?” she asks, smiling.

  
“One of the few Wookiee Jedi,” the young Wookiee replies. “I was trained by Master Grwhhhr. It’s him you want to see. He was a Jedi archivist so he can help you with deciphering the books.”

  
His words are music to Rey’s ears. So maybe, just maybe, the Force has finally smiled upon her and given her a purpose, so that she can occupy her mind with something meaningful, something that doesn’t include Ben Solo and his doomed projects.

  
If she does this, she can set up the basis for revival of the Jedi order and found another Academy for force-sensitive children.

  
She already sees herself as a mother hen to the younglings, and she smiles to herself, following Lowbacca through the dunes towards the stony entrance leading into the womb of the yellow boulder.

  
“I hope you’ve warned him. He refused to talk to me about Rey when I reached to him. That’s why we need your help,” Chewie says to his nephew, but Rey decides not to worry about that now.

  
Inside is dark and pleasantly cool, and soon the passage opens into a huge cavity containing an open hearth, an improvised table with chairs, and lots of stony shelves filled with books.

  
The Force presence of someone so powerful hits her like a wave and when she notices the imposing figure of a Wookiee wearing Jedi robes, she knows she’s about to meet her Master.

 

____________________________

 

“What do you mean you can’t train me?” she asks him for the tenth time.

  
“I am not taking apprentices now,” Grwhhhr answers patiently.The light in him doesn’t flicker even with a remote irritation, but Rey knows that hers is blazing red. “Besides, I don’t think you and I would be a good match. I’ve already told this to Chewie. You’re too angry and you already know too much. You have your own opinions. You’ve seen the dark side and you have it in you,” he says, coming closer and stooping down to peer into her eyes.

  
Rey does her best to hide her irritation.

  
“This is not fair. Why won’t anybody train me? What’s wrong with me?” she says to herself, but looks around, searching for the answer on the faces of the three Wookiees standing around her.

  
“Please?” she directs her attention to Grwhhhr.

  
“You won’t make a good Padawan,” he says, sighing.

  
Rey feels his resolve cracking a bit as compassion creeps into his voice, so she presses her case.

  
“I don’t have time to be a full-time Padawan. Give me a crash course, let me wield my saber, help me decipher the books, and I promise to leave sooner than you think. “

  
Grwhhhr starts laughing seemingly against his own will.

  
“You ask for too much too soon! Jedi should have patience. But since I haven’t met anyone like you in my long life, I’ll make you a deal. I show you the path and then you’ll walk it alone. And you leave me be.”

  
“Deal!” Rey exclaims, beaming at him, even before she stops to think what “walking the path alone” might entail.

  
How difficult it can be anyhow? Hasn’t she always walked alone?

  
Chewie gives her a reassuring smile and she smiles back, grateful that he’s on her side.

  
______________________________

 

 

Sitting around the fire that night with Chewie and the two Wookiee Jedi, Rey begins to grasp how slow the information travel through the Galaxy. They seem to have been pretty isolated on Gantooine and haven’t heard anything about Snoke’s death, Ben Solo, that is _Kylo Ren_ , she corrects herself, ascending to the throne and their failed attempt to make a new Galactic Union.

She retells the events, although she leaves out the juiciest parts about their _personal union_ under the sheets.

  
“We’ve only heard you bested Kylo Ren on Starkiller Base,” Lowbacca, or Lowie, as he insists on being called, says.

  
“Well, a lot happened since then,” she says, thinking how they are actually talking about several weeks’ time. But it feels like two lifetimes ago in her mind.

  
She quickly narrates her journey to Ahch-to that causes both Jedi to exclaim in wonder.

  
“You found Luke Skywalker!”

  
“Yeah, that too, but then I went to see Ben…that is Kylo and we defeated Snoke. He asked me to stay and build the new Galactic Union, to represent the dark and the light side working together, but then he went on the rampage on Chandrila when one of his generals attempted a coup, supported by a Chandrilan Senator, an old adversary of General Organa, and I…well, when General Organa got hurt, Kylo sort of lost it and.....I left,” she wraps the story up quickly, her conscience nagging, for there’s much more to that story and Ben and his motives and she’s no longer sure of anything anymore.

  
Did she give up on their joint cause too easily? Was her reaction strictly motivated by being hurt and considering his act a betrayal, without thinking over the political implications of her leaving?  
Is this why it’s not advisable for a Jedi to have any personal attachment?

  
All this runs through her head at the same time, thoughts and doubts provoked by Grwhhhr's surprised silence.

  
“You say he wanted to balance the Force?” Grwhhhr asks finally after what it feels like eternity. “Hmm, noble intent, but no wonder it backfired, for that road couldn’t be anything else but bumpy. It requires a mountain of patience,” he adds, his eyes unreadable.

  
“Are you suggesting I should’ve stuck around to pull things to the light whenever he was leaning to the dark?” she asks, annoyed by his insinuation that fortifies her own doubts.

  
“Isn’t that what the balance is all about?” he asks, standing up. “But you did what you thought you should. You have to find the answers in you,” he says retreating deeper into the cave, to his private chamber.

Chewie goes back to the Falcon for the night and Lowie goes with him to fill him in on the status in their numerous, extended family on Kashyyyk, leaving Rey to stare at the fire and doubt everything she was, until this evening, absolutely sure of.

 

_____________________________________

 

  
She doesn’t sleep for long, for as soon as her mind relaxes, the heart-ache returns and even doubles in strength.

  
The ache for Ben is real, but so is the anger.

  
How could he do it? Slaughter Senator Ro-Kiintor like a pig, attack his son just because he despises him, maybe even hates him since he saw him dancing with her?

 

Hatred, jealousy, rage….

  
It looked as is he was succumbing to one of his old, uncontrollable tantrums where nobody around him was safe.

  
No.

  
She is sure she can’t live with that, she is sure she should’ve left him, as she did.

  
She lies sleepless for hours, staring at the dark.

  
Somewhere towards dawn she feels him in the Force for the first time after her departure.

  
She’s still not ready to confront him.

  
He seems as surprised as she is that the Force is still connecting them and that appeases her a little.

  
She’d much rather cut all connections with him, but she can’t control it and neither can he, obviously.

  
He stands in front of her and she doesn’t move to get up, face him or even acknowledge his presence in any way. He’s fully dressed, with a stern expression on his face, but doesn’t look rested at all.

  
“Where are you?” he asks.

  
Rey tries to look impassively back at him.

  
“Irrelevant. How’s Leia?”

  
“Alive.”

  
“Hux?”

  
“Escaped before I got here.”

  
So he is on Supremacy. And everything is back to the way it was before.

  
Except nothing is.

  
“Your Force is different,” he says, squinting at her. “Stronger than it ever was.”

  
“I’m a Jedi-in training,” she tells him, deciding to throw that bit of the information at him, gloating over the fact he’ll probably never guess where she is and with whom.

  
But being mean to him only makes her feel more miserable.

  
There’s silence between them, so profound, so full of all the kisses and embraces and all those moments when they were everything to each other.

  
Rey holds his gaze, unwavering.

  
“Are you…are you coming back?” he asks finally, hope creeping in his voice.

  
She frowns.

  
“How can you even ask that? I am not a yo-yo! You sent me away!”

  
“Since when you do what I tell you? You were already leaving me, you just waited for me to make a wrong step, to do something you don’t approve of,” he says harshly, coming closer to her.

  
“However it may be, it’s all behind us now. We were destined to fail. Don’t try to contact me again. I will do my best to learn how to control this bond and then we’ll both be free,” she says.

  
The Force spikes around her, his anger fueling it, but the bond disappears before he manages to say anything and Rey puts her head in her hands, exhausted.

 

______________________

 

 

Waking up on her own in the darkened cave leaves her disoriented. She doesn’t know what time it might be and she doesn’t care, for the Force in her is calm in anticipation of her Master’s first lesson and that would happen…..well, whenever he deems it convenient. Until then, she decides to stay in the pleasant semi-darkness and sum things up in her head.

  
It’s soon clear to Rey that she has to face a few truths.

  
Her love for Ben won’t go away just like that, regardless of what he might have done or didn’t do, and she suspected him to feel the same.

  
But it’s not enough.

  
She wishes they were just normal people who could elope somewhere together and forget about the problems of the Galaxy. She wishes they were two ordinary people who wouldn’t have the future of the Galaxy to take into account and let their personal choices be burdened by it.

  
And that, too, can never happen for they have a role to play, whether they like it or not. She admits to herself that she echoes his words. But she can’t live with the way he interprets his own role.

  
And on top of everything, she can’t even think of him without feeling a surge of blood rushing to her core. So she decides to fight those feeling and regain as much control over her life as possible.

  
She goes outside, stretches in the mild morning sun and decides to be satisfied with herself for taking this step, for whatever this comes to in the end, she’s determined to follow the Jedi path.

 

______________________________

 

Master Grwhhhr spends their first afternoon together by listening to the stories of Jakku. He nods thoughtfully when she recalls recognizing the Force in herself as the power breaking a dam and seeping into the real world around her, by making her more aware of everything.

  
“Kylo Ren provoked it in you,” Master Grwhhhr says, stroking his chin. “You two are connected in more ways than one.”

  
“Well, now we’re _disconnected_ ,” Ray says firmly, but her Master just laughs, stands up and motions her to follow him.

  
“I'm not sure the Force works that way. Wasn’t he here only last night?” he asks and Rey blushes pretending she hasn’t heard him, but wondering if she would be able to hide anything from such a shrewd Master so strong in the Force.

  
Grwhhhr trains her in Kevincho combat form and command of the Force, and she at first feels like an absolute beginner, despite having already been put to the test before, when she knew nothing of the Force itself, or different combat forms.

  
Somewhere towards the end of the first week, she catches up.

  
_How did I ever manage to win over Ben on Starkiller Base?_ she thinks as she pants to keep up with her enormous, furry Master, but then remembers how she tapped into Ben’s mind and managed to beat him with his own skills.

  
Grwhhhr is a harsh master, but towards the end of the lesson, he tends to retreat into his own thoughts and just watch her, study her. She finds it disturbing at first, but then she realizes that’s what makes him a great master - this understanding of the situation, of the necessity of letting her do things her own way.

  
“Do not try to control the Force and bend it after your will. Let it control you. A Jedi is in perfect balance with the Force, letting it use him or her as an instrument. That’s what you will be from now on. You have to learn to accept it. For there will be times when you will be robbed of your own will and subjected to the Force.”

  
Her trainings start to take the toll and she grows more tired. She craves so much rest that it seems all she does is sleep, when not training or meditating. Her deranged sleeping pattern from Supremacy and those prolonged nocturnal activities on Chandrila have probably contributed to this constant fatigue.

  
The nightmares came back, more vicious than ever.

  
Ben visits her once during one of her nightmares, sitting up bare-chested in his bed, listening to her screaming. But he disappeared before he even makes a move to comfort her.

  
Maybe he wouldn’t have done it anyway. Maybe she’s the one who willed him away.

  
During her second week on Gantooine, she finds Ben waiting for her at the entrance to the cave and for the tiniest of moments her heart flutters in hope he’s really there, in person, and not only in the Force bond.

  
She turns surreptitiously, but her Master is not behind her so she approaches Ben with her arms crossed.

  
“What do you want?”

  
“I’m not doing this,” he answers with a trace of annoyance in his voice. “The real question is what does the Force want with us?”

  
“The same as always, I guess. To balance the Galaxy.”

  
“I’m working on it alone,” he replies harshly and she feels a sting in her chest.

  
He takes a step towards her, the way he did in their early Force bonds, not menacing, but holding her gaze, searching it for understanding of his words.

  
“Because you never got it, Rey. There’s a harsh reality in this Galaxy that I had to face all my life. And sometimes, you have to make tough decisions to protect the well-being of the majority. There are things I have to do. Whether I like them or not.”

  
“But that’s the point. You like it. Kylo likes it,” she sneers at him.

  
“You liked it too, when you were slaying unarmed stormtroopers just because you could. I was standing next to you. You tend to blame me for whatever you don’t like about yourself.”

  
The Force in her reacts so angrily that the bond immediately snaps and she wonders if this is the way to control it and block him from coming over.

  
They can obviously never find that common ground so necessary to try and build anything together. It was minuscule to begin with and after Chandrila it exists no more.

  
Rey, the future Jedi and Ben, the Jedi killer, might never again find themselves in the same story and that would only be for the best, she decides on the spot.

 

________________________________

 

One day out of the blue Grwhhhr decides she’s ready for the next step and takes her into the far end of the cave.

  
Apart from a row of books, there’s only a cot on the ground and a few robes hanging on the walls of the cave.

But then she notices the ancient looking chest. Or more precisely _hears_ it.

  
She opens it as if in a trance, the way she opened the similar chest back in Maz Kanata’s castle.

The Kyber crystal, as yellow as the sun, glowing like the hot sand of Jakku, whispers to her.

  
But as soon as she lays her eyes on it, it seems to react to the Force in her by creating a long, horizontal streak of darker color, its shape resembling a fissure on Starkiller Base.

  
“This is one of the last original Illum crystals,” Grwhhhr says. “It seems it’s been staying here all this time just waiting for you.”

She meditates for days, almost without moving. She’s so stable in the Force, she discovers a whole new level of peace and groundedness. She barely moves, and Chewie brings her food she eats absentmindedly, her famous appetite completely gone.

Despite that, she’s more content than she’s ever been.

Despite that, her body gets this new fullness she’s not used to, her limbs get heavier, her breasts rounder so she has to adjust the breast wrap for it becomes too tight.

  
The change in her is exhilarating, it feels like an epiphany.

  
She loves the new Rey and whenever she hears the Kyber crystal whispering to her, she knows she is ready to become what she’s meant to be.

  
Building her own saber proves to be more difficult than she anticipated, but she is patient with herself, she meditates on it until she realizes that this saber won’t be like any other and that she has to listen calmly to the crystal to understand what she should do.

  
She starts building her saber with one design in mind, but the design changes on its own right before her eyes.

  
The kyber crystal lets her mold it according to her wishes, but her wishes are molded by the Force and she can’t tell where Rey stops and the Force begins for she has never been more one with it than now.

  
When she asks for the Brylark tree, Gwrhhhr just gapes at her and produces it with no comment. She uses it for a hilt instead of metal, the tree being familiar and reliable and so warm in her palm, like home.

  
_Rare choice for a rare Jedi_ , she hears him think.

  
Rey is so attuned to the Force in him now, they need no words to communicate and she cherishes their relationship as something precious, something she didn’t know was possible at all.

  
_So this is what it feels to be someone’s Padawan_ , she thinks in awe.

  
When she’s done with it, her proud eyes reflect the hissing light of her own double-bladed yellow saberstaff and nothing in the world resembles her more than that.

  
It springs to life hissing angrily when she shows it to her Master, the darker streak in the crystal winding through only one of the blades.

  
“The final touch” says Grwhhhr thoughtfully.

 

___________________________

 

She feels Ben’s presence even before she opens her eyes. He sits in the far corner of the cave, his gaze intently on her.

The dying fire paints his face red.

He makes no attempt to come closer or touch her and she is eternally grateful for it, afraid her tiny resolve would crumble easily. The wee hours is always the most difficult time to bear this solitude.

  
“I miss you,” he simply says. "I miss you next to me, I miss you in my arms, I miss waking up enveloped in your scent..."

His breath hitches at the end of that sentence.

  
“I miss you, too,” she replies. “But -“ she starts hastily and he just closes his eyes.

  
“I know,” he says quickly, looking as if he wouldn’t be able to sit through another one of her long and winding explanations why they can’t be together despite everything.

  
They just look at each other until the bond fades away.

  
She knows she can block the bond now, sever it in its root and she asks the Force to give her strength to do it, for the prolonged contact will be a torture for both of them.

  
But then the next thing she does that very evening is sneak out to him, calling for the bond to open only so she can watch him sleep.

  
And looking at him sprawled on his stomach, hugging the pillow tightly, she knows that there’s still a tiny flicker of hope in her heart and that she has no strength to extinguish it completely.

 

  
_____________________________

 

  
Deep into the night Grwhhhr reads for her from the Jedi books she saved from Ahch-to and the words take a shape and float through the air in front of her eyes.

  
She knows them, she recognizes them, for she’s always known them.

  
“Thank you for coming to find me,” he says one night, when they finish the last of the Jedi books. “You reminded me of the things I loved most,” says the old archivist, eyeing the pile of books between them.

  
“They’re yours,” she says. “With my gratitude for showing me my path.”

 

 

________________________

 

  
Clutching her new saber, back on the Millennium Falcon, on her way back to Ahch-to, she envisions Luke’s resistance to her plan - all his objections and her own possible answers  - and she smiles for it would all be in vain, for nothing would stop her now.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for commenting, leaving kudos, and stopping by to read this work.
> 
> This is the "chapter after" and I wanted Rey to move on and follow her own path, but also to grow further as a person by questioning her own choices, for nothing in that Galaxy, or any other for that matter, is ever black and white, and maturing means learning it one way or another.
> 
> So please let me know what you think about this chapter :)
> 
> This is also one of the chapters I wanted to write for a long time since it gave me a Wookiee Jedi (not only one but two!) and a very unique saberstaff.
> 
> The best thing: I didn't even have to invent much, for the good people of Wookieepedia provided me with info about both Grwhhhr and Lowbacca 
> 
> Happy Friday and enjoy reading!


	17. Ahch-To again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What scares her most is this feeling she would not be able to protect the baby on her own, not even with Luke’s help; that the baby might have powers that would make him or her vulnerable to the dark side, the way they made Ben.
> 
>  
> 
> At that moment she can almost feel all the creeps from the Unknown regions lifting their murderous heads to look at her, to wield their weapons and hone their tongues and all she wants to do is curl up in a ball and protect the baby with the Force.
> 
>  
> 
> Leia couldn’t protect Ben from what befell him, partly because she had no clue what she was dealing with.
> 
>  
> 
> Rey wants to stop history from repeating itself.
> 
> She would die to protect this baby. From the dark side, from the unfriendly galaxy and from Ben himself.
> 
> If he keeps popping up like that, whenever he feels she needs him, he’s bound to put two and two together.
> 
>  
> 
> Besides, her pregnancy must start to show at some point.
> 
>  
> 
> Severing the Force bond with Ben is more than inevitable now if she wants to keep the baby a secret.
> 
>  
> 
> But it also feels as the most painful thing she'll ever do.
> 
> It feels as if she has to cut out the largest part of her heart.

 

Ahch-To again feels like home and yet, Rey looks at it, as she disembarks the Millennium Falcon as if she’s never seen it before.

It’s not just the way the island looks to her now - for the greenness of this place would probably never cease to surprise her - but mostly the way it _feels._

The air is as humid as she remembers it, but the island is humming a different melody to her and she realizes that what she’s able to see and feel now resembles much more the Ahch-To of her dreams, that place she felt like the nexus in the Force.

  
Luke is watching her from the tip of the hill, his cape billowing in the wind and she sighs and takes a determined stroll up the winding stony stairway to him.

  
“May the Force be with you,” Chewie says after her, as the wind carries away the echo of his laughter.

  
____________________

 

Luke listens intently to her plan of opening the new Jedi academy and offers no comment in the beginning.

Rey’s passion for her project seeps in the air, but she’s cunningly using words to distract him to be able to probe his mind with the Force.

She’s never done that before to him, she didn’t dare to, and she didn’t even know if it would be possible. For peeking inside the brain of that man, the _legend_ , inevitably feels like indecent prying.

  
And yet she can’t resist the temptation.

  
The Force in him is mild and accepting, but there’s a flicker there she didn’t expect to find.

There’s an emotion centered on her and the way he sees her - as annoyance but also as a new promise, - gives her hope.

  
“I strongly advise you not to do it,” he says in the meantime.

  
She takes a deep breath and squints at him.

  
“You actually like my idea.”

  
“That’s not the point. I know you well enough by now to know you will do it anyway. But … don’t do it. It will only bring disappointment.”

  
“You made a wrong choice once, just once,  ages ago and you’ve atoned your mistake many times. Maybe it’s time to move on, _Master Luke."_

  
“Don’t call me that. And stop poking around my brain. Don’t you for a minute think I don’t know what you’re doing!”

  
“But you’re letting me do it!” she exclaims and can’t help but start laughing.

  
“I don’t want my island overrun by a horde of people!”

  
“A few Padawans hardly qualify as a horde of people!”

  
Luke shakes his head, but a trace of a smile is there, in the corner of his mouth, barely visible, but definitely there, and Rey smiles with relief.

 

___________________________

 

  
She spends the next few days working on the plan for accommodation of her future students and she realizes that if they are to use the island to establish their Academy, they’d first need to build it.

  
“Can’t we use one of the old buildings?” Rey asks.

  
Luke is silent for a while.

  
“We might in the beginning, but it won’t solve our problem in the long run. Especially if you want to have more than three students.”

  
Her eyes wander toward the leftovers of the hut she used while she was staying here the last time.

The warmth of Ben’s eyes reflecting the fire, the intimacy she’s never shared with anyone ever before, the memory of how hopeful she was about everything back then, how resolute in bringing Ben to the light - it all comes back to her at once and makes her flushed and slightly nauseated.

  
She turns her back to the stones scattered over the hill.

  
“We’ll build it from scratch. A small one to begin with. We’ll use these stones. The Lanais will help us.” she says resolutely, chasing the thoughts of Ben out of her mind.

  
But Luke is probably reading her mind as an open book for he looks intently at her.

  
“What has happened on Chandrila? I’ve heard bits and pieces, but never the whole story. Not _your story_ in any case.”

  
“I…I don’t want to talk about it. How’s Leia?”

  
“Invigorated with a new purpose in life, I’d say. Helping Ben establish the new Galactic Assembly.”

  
Rey looks as if she has difficulty processing that information.

  
“Wait, what? He went on with that idea?”

“You thought he’d give up because you left him?” Luke says, turning his back to her to go down the hill, muttering something about her being conceited.

  
Rey hurries after him.

  
“No, I…well, yes, I thought he’d give up on it and just go back to being….the Supreme Leader, or the Emperor, or something… I don’t know, it would be so him!”

  
“Well, he’s still the Supreme Leader. He made sure he’d have the last word, That is also _so him_ ,” Luke retorts.

  
“Did you talk to him?” Rey blurts out and Luke stops to turn around and face her.

  
“No,” he says, the regret ringing in his voice. “I don’t think he’s ready for that. And to tell you the truth, neither am I.”

 

 

_____________________

 

 

They settle in their newly found routine.

The Lanais are happy to be given a definite task, Luke is happy that he still has enough hours of solitude scattered throughout his day before the island becomes overrun by people, as he keeps repeating, and Rey is happy to be doing something with her hands to avoid thinking.

  
The weird dreams are still there, but at least she doesn’t remember all of them in the morning.

The Force around her is peaceful and even the dark cave’s presence feels calm.

She trains with her saberstaff, feeling it like the natural extension of her physical body, but also the Force in her, and for the first time in a very long time she feels calm.

  
She meditates for hours, mostly to make sure she’d be able to control the Force bond the next time Ben reaches for her, but in the end she is surprised that it doesn’t happen.

  
She misses him more than she can bear, but she is determined not to know what is happening in his end of the Galaxy.

  
She focuses on making a plan for searching for the Force-sensitive children and decides she would need to enlist Luke to travel the Galaxy with her to help her locate them.

  
And getting Luke Skywalker off this island is going to be a challenge.

Still Rey is surprised to see Luke taking her seriously and treating her as equal.

That’s a welcome change in their relationship.

 

  
__________________________________

 

 

It starts with her sudden aversion to the smell of fish.

Luke roasts it for lunch out in the open, as he normally does, with roots swollen with fragrances and juices underneath it on a clay baking tray and it all provokes her senses to the extent that her tongue becomes thick and her throat feels hairy.

  
She throws up immediately, so surprised by her own reaction she doesn’t even realize what's happening.

  
She just leans over, spurting the bile all over herself without making an attempt to make a distance to the fragrance that provoked her and not spoil Luke's meal. The sour liquid fills her mouth and her nose, preventing her from breathing properly.

She hasn’t eaten anything since breakfast, and dinner last night was just a few bites of flatbread, so her stomach is already empty to begin with.

  
Luke is with her in a second, holding her forehead as she retches and retches until nothing is left.

  
“I don’t know if it’s something I’ve eaten,” she says, when she can finally catch her breath.

  
“More likely the fact you haven’t eaten anything today,” he said.

  
Worry and guilt in his voice resonate in her mind.

She straightens up. She’s not a child. She is not his responsibility. They are equals now.

  
“I should be better at remembering to eat, then,” she says, freeing herself from his arms.

There was never much to eat back on Jakku and she could go for days with a knot in her stomach, a knot that became her natural state.

  
She lies awake that night, worrying, so aware of a disconcerting feeling that _this,_ whatever it might be, is not just going to go away like that.

  
In the morning, she seems to be even worse.

Luke brings her a cup of herbal tea and that seems to do the trick. She feels refreshed, reinvigorated, ready to go out and join The Lanais in collecting stones.

She even eats a few bites of flat bread and enjoys it.

  
The Lanais look at her suspiciously and whisper behind her back, but Rey is by now used to that and she just smiles complacently back at them.

  
In the afternoon another bout of nausea sends her back to the cot.

  
“What is happening to me?” she looks in the scratchy mirror Luke gave her just so she would be able to tame her hair and clean her teeth.

The wide-eyed reflection of her startled face, with a crack traveling across her right cheek, so resembling Ben’s scar, jeers back at her.

 

  
____________________

 

  
The following morning even Luke’s tea doesn’t do the trick.

She stays sprawled on her cot, motionless, fighting nausea and counting every second she doesn’t throw up as her personal victory.

  
Luke crouches next to her, resembling a question mark.

  
“Rey, think carefully what you're going to tell me. Is there…. _any other reason_ why you might be feeling like this?”

  
His eyes implore her more than his words.

She does’t answer, she doesn’t want to think about _that_ possibility and somehow just saying it would make it come true.

  
He tries again.

  
“Is there any other…. _biological_ reason why you might be nauseous in the morning?”

  
She takes a deep breath, exhales and takes another.

  
“Yes,” she said, barely audibly.

This cowardice that washes over her, this refusing to deal with consequences of her actions -  it is so not her and for a moment she’s again that lonely little girl from Jakku.

  
She feels stupid for not even considering it as a possibility.

That’s how little she knows about other functions of her body, not necessarily related to the sheer survival.

There was no one ever who could’ve explained it all to her.

  
Rey tries to remember when was the last time she had her period.

  
When she woke up bleeding for the very first time, she thought she was going to die. Thinking back at that time, she can’t help but feel sorry for herself - a scrawny girl, alone in an unfriendly world, with no one to guide her.

When the initial cramps and bleeding subsided she got up, wondering if her survival was due to a miracle of a kind.

  
When the same thing happened again a few months  afterward and then kept coming back with irregular intervals, she took it as it was - just a weird body reaction to something she didn’t understand, but had no one to ask about.

  
Years later a kind desert traveler explained to her what a period meant in relation to a possible pregnancy, and how it all worked between men and women, so at least she knew in theory what to do and when.

But she also said that Rey's irregular periods were due to her undernourishment.

And now she can’t remember when her last period was, but she knows it was before.

Before Ben, before Chandrila.

  
Before everything that matters had been ruined.

 

“Yes,” she says in a much clearer voice. “I think I’m pregnant.”

  
Luke’s face successfully hides surprise, but the reproach in his eyes is palpable.

He straightens up and looks down on her.

  
“I thought your… _union_ was strictly political.”

  
She blushes lightly and averts her eyes, the memory of those hot Chandrila nights washing over her with shame, but also longing.

And now she would have to explain herself to Luke, the Jedi, the eternal bachelor.

How could he understand that one thing leads to another, that the uncontrollable attraction between Ben and Rey was what made them political allies in the first place, forced them to explore all the options they could in order to be together and create that togetherness in the face of the hostile Galaxy?

  
How could she explain to a man who was always alone that Ben is her other half, whom she found and managed to lose again?

  
“It was to begin with,” she says . “Then…things happened, and I left because there was no point anymore.”

  
“Did he _force_ you?” Luke asks barely audibly, obviously not able to understand what she’s talking about.

It takes her a while to put two and two together and grasp the meaning of his words.

  
“No! No, no, Luke. He’s nothing like that. I came to him,” she says.

  
  
She is for a fleeting second worried what Luke might do to her, irrationally afraid he might even resort to harming her and her baby as once, in the clouded state of his mind, he tried to kill Ben.

  
But Luke’s eyes are averted and he’s pacing up and down, thinking.

  
“This gives you leverage,” he said.

  
_I don’t want leverage! I want Ben and I want his baby and I want us the way we could never be._

Until that thought formed in her head, she didn’t even know she wanted it.

That normalcy in this chaos and abnormality, family she never had and she probably never will have, for she and Ben are hopelessly divided and drifting farther apart every day.

  
She makes a vow not to let anyone hurt her baby, or use him or her as a pawn in their game. She's sure she would love Ben for ever and if this wonderful creature growing in her womb is all that's left of him, of the two of them the way they were, then so be it.

  
“Only if he finds out. Which he won’t,” she retorts.

  
The plan is forming in her head as she's saying those words.

She’s already hidden from him on this island and hiding this from him would be feasible if Luke helps her.

  
“Luke, promise me you won’t tell him.”

  
Luke squints at her disapprovingly.

  
“You probably learn that kind of cruelty when you consort with the dark side,” he says.

  
It hurts to hear it for he’s both right and wrong.

  
She would do anything to protect the baby, even actively hide its existence from Ben. If that’s dark and evil, so be it.

  
“He's the Supreme Leader of the Galaxy. He has more enemies than he can count, known and unknown. What do you think they would do if they knew I'm having his baby? But that's not the only thing. He said explicitly he wants your bloodline to finish with him. He hates what he is and …and all of you,” Rey whispers.

  
She looks at Luke searching his face for support, but what she finds there is even more than that.

Luke is all light and revelation.

"Well, Ben Solo can't have everything he wants. Neither can Kylo Ren!"

  
He sits down with that stunned expression on his face.

  
“I am going to be a granduncle. That’s…the next best thing to a grandfather. Han would’ve loved it.”

  
His face, so bright, his eyes almost boyish with joy at that moment, make her smile.

  
“We’re going to have to tell Leia,” he adds, a bit concerned.

  
“We’re definitely going to have to tell Leia,” Rey agrees. “When the time comes, I’ll need her help.”

 

 

______________________________

 

  
Luke goes out hunting and she dozes off, losing the track of time.

She thinks of Ben, she yearns for him and in the state she is in now, there's not much she can do to control it.

The physical need to be with him is so strong she can't do a thing to avoid succumbing to it.

  
And as it happens, the Force bond opens at that moment and she faces Ben’s startling eyes.

  
“Are you all right? Are you sick?” he asks, alarmed, his eyes traveling up and down her body, crumpled on the tiny cot.

  
“I’m fine. Go away, “ she says, unable to lift her head to face him.

   
He crouches down next to her cot and places his palm on her forehead. His touch is as electrifying as ever, and Rey smiles internally at that.

  
How can she react to him like this, even in the state she is now?

  
But all she can think of is hiding the baby’s Force signature, for it must already be there, however weak.

She centers all her powers on creating a shield around her that would prevent Ben from realizing what’s happening.

  
Ben, on the other hand, looks too worried for her to be able to grasp anything else.

Rey’s wary eyes follow him around the hut as he disappears for a moment out of her sight and then reappears again and places a piece of cold, wet cloth on Rey’s forehead.

  
It’s cool and comforting and before she closes her eyes, she realizes it’s the shawl she used to tuck Algernon in.

It feels as if a piece of history came back to visit her.

  
“Thank you,” she whispers, closing her eyes.

He checks her pulse and makes her open her eyes to check her pupils.

She lets him do it, too weak to protest, putting all her strength in the shield she's creating. She knows he feels it, she's seeing it in his mind.

  
“Do you need anything?” he asks.

  
“Some peace and quiet,” she says and he straightens up and looks down on her, his eyes anguished, his lips trembling slightly.

  
“Call me if you need me,” he says and the bond breaks.

 

 _I won't_ , she thinks. _I'll probably die needing you, but I won't call you, for I can never again allow myself to be that weak,_ she thinks, as the tears roll down her cheeks.

 

  
______________________

 

  
Later that night when the bouts of nausea subside, she lies awake, worried and restless.

She’s never been this afraid in her life. She never gave it a conscious thought before, but she’s always wanted a family and creating one on her own, that is with someone whom she loves, instead of waiting for her dead parents to come back for her, should’ve been the obvious choice.

  
But it wasn’t, partly because she had no role model to relate to, no functional family that could show her how life might be, partly because even growing up, she remained in a way locked in that infantile way of longing for her parents to come back.

  
Until Ben came into her life and made her long for something else.

  
And now, facing motherhood as the ultimate test of the adulthood, she is terrified.

 

What scares her most is this feeling she would not be able to protect the baby on her own, not even with Luke’s help; that the baby might have powers that would make him or her vulnerable to the dark side, the way they made Ben.

  
At that moment she can almost feel all the creeps from the Unknown regions lifting their murderous heads to look at her, to wield their weapons and hone their tongues and all she wants to do is curl up in a ball and protect the baby with the Force.

  
Leia couldn’t protect Ben from what befell him, partly because she had no clue what she was dealing with.

  
Rey wants to stop history from repeating itself.

She would die to protect this baby. From the dark side, from the unfriendly galaxy and from Ben himself.

If he keeps popping up like that, whenever he feels she needs him, he’s bound to put two and two together.

  
Besides, her pregnancy must start to show at some point.

  
Severing the Force bond with Ben is more than inevitable now if she wants to keep the baby a secret.

  
But it also feels as the most painful thing she'll ever do.

It feels as if she has to cut out the largest part of her heart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, commenting and leaving kudos :)
> 
> I am updating already now because I had time this weekend to write and also because I have drafted the rest of the story so it should go faster from now until the end.
> 
> There are only a few chapters left and now that Rey is pregnant (a special thanks to Laura_Jane for calling it first! :)) things are set in motion and there's no way back.
> 
> She keeps Ben in the dark (where he belongs, some will say!) for the time being and we'll see how long that will last with someone so strong in the Force.
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading and let me know what you think about this chapter :)


	18. The temple of Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His path might have lead him to her, but whenever they come to a crossroad, Ben and Rey tend to choose different ways.
> 
> So she takes a step back and swallows hard watching hurt and disappointment wash over his face.
> 
>  
> 
> “You don’t even realize they won,” she says, the silent stream of tears running down her face and gathering in the hollow of her throat. “The past you were trying to kill won this battle, the Sith, the Empire, and even the dead Snoke finally won. And we ...we are over, we are so over, we have to find a new word for it."
> 
>  
> 
> “You and I will never be over! If you love somebody, you …you don’t let them go! You don’t give up on them!” he says, his voice shrouded in that unbearable crack, his outstretched hand lightly trembling, still hoping.
> 
>  
> 
> Rey’s tears are clouding her vision and this is where she knows she has to be that vicious, dark-souled Rey she was afraid she would become.
> 
>  
> 
> “If you love somebody….” she echoes his words. “But who could love a monster!” she says with a piercing finality in her voice.

 

 

The blemished mercury-covered glass doesn’t give her a good idea what her belly looks like regardless of the angle.

There are random cloudy spots around the edges of the silvery surface all the way across that wannabe mirror, and keeping it close to her hip and trying to assess the size of her belly doesn’t do the trick.

  
She lifts her tunic, rolls down the waist of her leggings and looks at her stomach from above. There’s nothing there, it’s as flat as it ever was, her hip bones still protruding.

  
But nothing is the same, for if she listens hard, if she focuses on the flow of the Force, she can feel her baby’s life pulsing in her, still so light and not entirely defined, like a shining grain of pea, radiating from inside of her.

  
Her body is a temple, hiding the most precious secret.

  
She sighs and sits down on her cot.

  
She didn’t have that much time to think clearly for a long while, fighting the daily bouts of nausea, trying to get as much rest as she could, and helping the Lanais construct the building of her future Academy whenever she could hold her head upright.

The truth is she was trying to avoid wasting her energy on thinking. She saved it for practicing the shield, hiding her baby’s existence behind it and most of all avoiding thinking about Ben, for there is a crippling doubt in her heart about the course she’s decided to take.

  
Her nausea’s gradually subsided and the veil over her brain has lifted. As strong and full of energy, as she’s feeling now, she knows she needs to think this through one more time, for so much is at stake and her decision will affect lives apart from her own.

  
She has no doubts the way she and Ben feel about each other is real, or at least was real back then, on Chandrila.

  
She only wishes it was enough.

  
All this time she’s been able to feel Ben hovering at the edge of the Force bond she successfully closed after their last encounter.

At first his Force was discontent, almost angry, trying to find the way to her.

She would just close her eyes and listen, and brace herself not to give in, for she wanted to, oh how she wanted to!

  
Sometimes she thinks he was just trying to find the way to make sure she’s still there, living, breathing and that was somehow enough to keep him going.

  
Once, only once she dared peek directly into his mind, just for a second, curious, longing, feeling so incredibly lonely with her hormones raging, making her moody and sorry for herself. She found him in the middle of a briefing and she retreated immediately, but not before he sensed her and knew she reached for him.

Even that brush across his mind was enough to feel his worry and his yearning for her, but also a genuine, firm resolve not to look for her if that’s what she really wants.

  
Which almost doesn’t make her want it at all.

 

______________________

 

Weeks go by before Rey is able to detect the tiniest  bulge right beneath her navel, and welcome it as a sure sign that her body is evolving into that marvelous life-changing state.

From then on, the change in her body is obvious, albeit to an untrained eye it might look simply as if she put some weight, a few pounds that make her hips and breasts a bit rounder, but are still not enough to reveal her secret.

  
Still as a precaution she dyes her tunics black and starts making adjustments in their design, so they widen up right beneath her breasts and flow down freely to hide the change in her.

The Lanais help her readily, all that time muttering their disapproval, but she’s by now so accustomed to their way of thinking, that she just gives them a bright smile and swirls for them in her new clothes. With a little luck, the black tunics and the poncho would help her hide her ever-changing figure.

Not that she expects any visitors.

  
And not that the visitor she has in mind, and of whose possible visit she’s equally afraid of and hopeful for, would first notice her belly and not the changes in the Force in her and around her.

  
If she ever sees him again.

  
She has trouble staying grounded, for her moods are fleeting, alternating quickly between unprovoked tears and exhilarating rapture.

  
Everything is too much these days. So is this constant, persistent, unbearable longing for Ben.

  
She needs to occupy her hands to silence her brain.

 

__________________

 

The early morning light coming through the little, stony window is grey and humid, and she shifts on her cot, trying to find the most comfortable position. Her back started hurting as of lately and sleeping through the night has become a highly desired commodity.

Luke brought her an additional mattress, but that didn't seem to make any difference.

  
The island is enveloped in silent rain that makes her sleepy and tempts her to consider staying inside today, but she bravely dons her poncho and goes out to join the Lanais.

  
The shape of the building is roughly similar to the hut that stood there before, but Rey decided to add two wings, one for Luke and the other one for her and the baby. And that has considerably slowed them down.

  
The thought of having a nursery still sounds in a way otherworldly odd and yet she finds herself staring at the horizon with a half-smile on her lips wondering if the baby would be a boy or a girl and how she would have to sew some clothes and ask Luke to help her build a tiny cot.

  
She worries a lot these days and she can’t seem to do much to appease herself.

  
She worries about the childbirth, about the baby and its Force, she worries if she’ll be a good mother, if she’ll be able to nurse the baby, or would have to resort to giving him or her that awful green milk from Thala-sirens, she worries if something, somebody, would just snatch this baby from her, and she usually has to hug her own frame and remind herself that the Force is with her on this.

  
Her mind is stuck in that never-ending loop, so she at first fails to notice a huge, dark ship that appears on the horizon.

  
Her heart stops for a brief moment, for this must be Ben, and she climbs up the hill to see it better.

  
“Do you see it?” Luke yells, running up the hill, and she just nods, already ransacking it with her furious Force.

  
But there’s nothing there, no recognizable Force signature, no Force users.

The ship remains hovering in the haze the whole morning.

  
“I have a bad feeling about this,” she says, sucking the air in, and clutching her saberstaff so tight, her knuckles turn bloodless and stiff.

  
Luke and Rey try to go about their business, but the worry they share make them read each other’s minds.

  
What does Ben want with this?

  
For it must be him, this must be his design, even though he’s nowhere to be found.

  
Let them know he knows where they are, he can see them, he can always find them, there’s no use hiding from him?

  
Or even worse, he could be simply preparing for destroying everything - the temple Luke and Rey were patiently trying to reconstruct, the Jedi order they’re trying to rebuild, even the island itself in his attempt to be once and for all done with the past?

  
By noon Rey is not able to focus on anything, standing motionless with her eyes riveted on the ship, and her hand still firmly on the warm, wooden hilt of her saberstaff.

  
“What are you up to now, Ben?” she keeps murmuring. “Show me, talk to me!”

  
But she was the one who severed their Force bond and kept refusing his attempts to reopen it, so no wonder there’s no one listening on the other side of it.

  
In the early afternoon several light aircrafts detach themselves one after another from the mother ship and started descending down, to the foot of the hill.

  
_Resistance would be futile,_ thinks Rey but just in case stands in a protective stance, with her saberstaff in front of her.

  
The stormtroopers descend one by one, in perfect order, wearing soft, dark overalls, whose appearance gives a set in her, for it resembles so much the clothes she wore on Supremacy.

  
They are unarmed, and she looks in wonder at them, as they pass her by as if she doesn’t exist, as if she poses no threat, standing there, so small and angry, her double-bladed sabersharft blazing in front of them.

She lowers it down and then completely extinguishes it when she realizes they’re carrying building material.

  
Luke tries to talk to them, but they simply brush past him, climbing laboriously up the hill, lightly panting underneath the weight of the huge caskets containing different tools and machines.

  
Their commander faces Luke with a blank expression.

  
“We have our orders,” he simply says. “Don’t stand in our way.”

  
Out of nowhere, another aircraft comes, a lot bigger than the previous ones, and hovers over the top of the hill, casting its dark shadow over the unfinished walls of the Jedi Academy.

  
There are thousands of ropes descending from its belly, all of them attached to the heavier items and the rest of the machines.

  
It takes them all afternoon and part of the evening to unload the necessary material. And then they leave in the same perfect order, board their aircrafts and in a matter of minutes it’s almost as if they’ve never been there.

  
_Almost._

  
For in the slowly darkening horizon the stacked construction material looks as ominous as a weapon of a kind.

  
Rey quickly climbs up the hill, uses her saberstaff to shine some light on the premises and inspect the maze of crates and future scaffolding.

  
“There’s nothing here!” she yells down towards Luke, who’s slowly following her.

  
“There’s _everything_ there. Everything needed to build a real temple!” he says, his eyes widening in wonder.

  
“For a moment you sounded as if you approved of this! And then I remembered how much you hated having your island overrun by people,” she says, beyond irritated by his awe.

  
“This isn’t necessarily a bad thing,” is the only response she gets as he turns his back on her and goes down the hill to his hut.

  
_______________________

 

The next morning the stormtroopers turned the construction workers, are there again, brushing past Rey with the same indifference.

They work all day in unison and silence.

  
Rey’s eyes fill with tears.

  
This is Ben’s cunning plan to undermine them, by building a temple just because he can. This is his way of telling them he can let them have their Jedi order, but on his terms.

  
Luke senses her despair.

  
“Let it be, Rey. He helps us rebuild the symbol of the order he deeply hates, maybe to make up for the one he himself ruined.”

  
Rey wipes away her angry tears and says nothing, just keeps kicking stones on her way down the hill.

  
She refuses to even look at the direction of the temple, but by the next week the ship and the construction workers are gone.

The only thing left is the brand new building with a shiny roof glinting in the sun.

  
It feels like Ben’s jeering at her.

 

_____________________

 

  
She vows never to step into that monstrous building, but Luke goes up to inspect it and finds it agreeable.

  
She listens to him advocating taking it into use, and keeps repeating that would never happen.

  
“Why are you so stubborn?”

  
Luke does a poor job hiding his irritation.

  
“Because we didn't ask for this. I don't want anything from him,” she retorts and averts her eyes, her lips a long thin line.

  
She insists they continue working on building their Academy, so they do, even though they’re short of building material and the rain comes in through the porous roof tiles.

  
She is sure Ben will come to gloat as soon as the temple is finished, but again several weeks pass by and there are no news on the horizon of Ahch-to.

  
Her belly grows into a cute bulge that is still well-hidden underneath her tunic.

She still appears slender, but her gait turns a bit heavy, possibly revealing.

  
By this time she has stopped expecting him, so her surprise is complete when she goes out into one of the rare, bright, sunny Ahch-to days and find him climbing the winding stairway towards her, his TIE silencer precariously perched down on the cliff above the sea.

  
She rubs her eyes to get the rest of the sleep out of them, still not believing he’s here in person, and her heart flutters for a brief second until she remembers her secret and she hides behind her Force shield as she looks down on him.

  
He’s dressed in his regular black uniform, but the cape and gloves are gone.

His hair is longer than she remembers and he looks positively drained - black circles underneath his eyes visible even from the distance, the said eyes fervent and distressed, his face stubbled and dark.

  
She’s very still, wanting to take a few steps towards him, but remembering not to, so as not to risk him noticing what’s different about her.

  
She stands in front of him, erect, her gaze dark.

  
“Why are you here, Ben?”

  
Instead of an answer, he offers her Anakin’s lightsaber, his hand trembling.

  
“It’s yours. It should belong to a Jedi. It answered to me only when you let it,” he says.

  
She looks at it but doesn’t reach for it.

  
A stray ray of sun reflects off the roof of the temple, reminding her why she’s still holding a grudge.

  
“You can’t just send your minions to build a useless palace as a symbol of your power,” Rey says. “You can’t just show up here thinking my consent can be bought. I don’t want your legacy lightsaber.”

  
She glares at his outstretched hand and then she lights her saberstaff in front of his face.

  
He looks at the blade bearing the dark streak inside and then back at her.

  
“This is your mark on me,” she says.

  
_And I have others I can’t show you now_.

  
She can see herself through his eyes - her stance aggressive, her saberstaff potently blasting, and she, with her focused, fierce eyes, with that messy bun on top of her head, and the black tunic so wide around her body to hide what’s dearest to her, like a true Jedi master denying Ben any mercy.

She can see it all and part of her is ashamed and yearning.

  
But the only thought in her head is how to shield the life growing inside her from him.

  
_How do you hide the Force that is growing double inside you from the only person who can feel you deep in his bones?_

  
Her shield’s by now so high up, Ben is bound to sense it. He looks at her, his eyes narrowing.

  
“Rey…” he growls, “there’s no need for this. I will never harm you.”

  
She doesn’t reply. Just holds his gaze, unwavering.

  
“Your Force is much stronger now,” he says looking at her as if he’s seeing her for the first time.

  
“New Jedi techniques” she answers bravely. “To shield me from the dark side.”

  
It’s good her dark clothes make her look smaller. It probably makes everything looks smaller, but not him.

  
Ben Solo looks like an immense question mark in front of her.

  
“Please, hear me out. I want you to think why the Force connected us in the first place," he says, his lips trembling.

  
_Now I know_ , she thinks, fighting the urge to touch her belly as her hand twitches instinctively. Instead she shifts her sabershaft from one hand to another.

  
“How did you even know where to find me? Leia must have told you!” Rey raises her voice and Luke peers out of the stone window of the old temple.

  
“Rey, are you all right?” Luke asks and she just nods.

  
Ben looks at him, irritated, and for a moment Rey can almost hear him snapping at his uncle for interrupting them, but then he gives up on it and focuses his attention back on her.

  
“No, she didn’t tell me anything,” he says. “I knew you’d come here. I just didn’t know where the island was. Poe had BB-8 show me the map.”

  
The absurdity of his statement leaves her frowning and shaking her head in shock.

  
Poe endured torture trying not to reveal the contents and whereabouts of that map; she got kidnapped and Kylo Ren tried to enter her mind to force her to show it to him,  and now he just asked Poe to instruct BB-8 to show him the map of Ahch-to!

  
Something is profoundly wrong in this story.

  
“Since when is Poe your fan? And why did you have your soldiers build this temple in the first place? What is this? A message that as long as we don’t mess with your ruling the Galaxy, we can stay on Ahch-to and play with our new shiny toy?”

  
It annoys her he’s marginalizing the Jedi by trying to indulge her, appease her.

  
“You said it yourself we should build instead of destroying. But I can’t seem to do anything right by your standards.”

  
There’s so much sadness in his voice, she remains speechless for a few seconds. It pours out of every syllable he slowly uttered, as if he knew it all in advance, but couldn’t not try to make things right.

  
_Can it be she’s wrong about everything_?

  
She bites her lower lip, trying not to give in to one of her impulses to hug him and bury her fingers in his hair, still to stubborn to admit she’s misjudged his motives.

  
Ben senses the change in the balance between them and takes a step closer to her.

  
Oh, how much she would just like to fall into his embrace and forget all about this stupid fissure between them.

  
He’s so close, she can almost feel his breath on her face, as he stoops a bit down, searching for her eyes.

His scent, so familiar, overwhelms her and she's for a moment lost in memories.

  
She should just kiss him and tell him that nothing else matters but them, for they’re going to be a family now and that should make all the difference.

  
_But she can’t._

  
For they tried that road once and it didn’t work out.

  
“Come back with me, please. You may be a Jedi now, but you don’t belong here,” he says softly, one more time offering his grandfather’s saber to her.

  
“Nobody belongs on that lifeless ship” she says, but her heart softens just a bit.

_Maybe, just maybe, they would have a chance in another place? Maybe if they stayed here together, he could be just Ben?_

“But you can stay with me. Here, on Ahch-to. We could do this together. Build the new Jedi order balanced in light and dark. I can’t do it alone. My darkness is not enough.”

She can't keep hope out of her voice, but as soon as he closes his eyes pointedly, as soon as she hears his exasperated sigh, she knows she should brace herself for a disappointment.

"I can't leave the chaos behind me," he simply says.

His path might have lead him to her, but whenever they come to a crossroad, Ben and Rey tend to choose different ways.

  
So she takes a step back and swallows hard watching hurt and disappointment wash over his face.

  
“You don’t even realize _they_ won,” she says, the silent stream of tears running down her face and gathering in the hollow of her throat. “The past you were trying to kill won this battle, the Sith and the Empire and even the dead Snoke finally won. And we ...we are over, we are so over, we have to find a new word for it."

  
“You and I will never be over! If you love somebody, you …you don’t let them go! You don’t give up on them!” he says, his voice shrouded in that unbearable crack, his outstretched hand lightly trembling, still hoping.

  
Rey’s tears are clouding her vision and this is where she knows she has to be that vicious, dark-souled Rey she was afraid she would become.

  
“If you love somebody….” she echoes his words. “But who could love a monster!” she says with a piercing finality in her voice.

  
He looks as if he’s been hit with a bowcaster all over again.

  
His arm falls down, as if unattached to his body.

There’s so much pain in those dark eyes she almost wavers, almost props on her toes to cradle his cheek as she used to do and tell him she’ll be the part of whatever dark plan he has, it wouldn’t matter anyway, for even light doesn’t matter without him.

  
But the life growing inside her does.

It’s outgrown their petty dispute, it deserves a fresh start and better parents and it speaks to her at that very moment, fluttering slightly in her stomach, tickling her from the inside, as if to tell her what she wants is of less importance from now on.

  
No, she could never let Ben in on this, not Ben who stumbled over the first hurdle and went back to the old ways.

  
He gives her one last heartbroken look, turns away from her, and stumbles down the hill toward his aircraft and Rey exhales and puts her hand on her stomach to steady herself, watching her heart going away with him.

  
__________________

 

She's never thought her body could contain this much water.

She’s unable to stop sobbing and cries with short breaks for the rest of the day.

When she finally falls asleep, her tortured mind allows her only a short break and wakes her up for another bout of crying.

  
_This is what heartbreak feels like_ , she thinks.

  
This is unbearable and she deserved it all.

  
Luke checks in on her with food and water, but she leaves it untouched.

That forces him to be harsh with her, to threaten to force-feed her and enlists Chewie for that.

  
In the end, she is worried about the baby and starts slowly nibbling on Luke’s food, even though she is beyond tasting anything.

  
She emerges on the other side feeling at least a decade older.

She knows she closed that door, and she knows he won't come to her again even if she asked him to.

And she's very much aware that being so ineluctably cruel she hurt him more with her words than she ever could with her saber.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos.
> 
> This is one of the final chapters that might not be to everyone's liking, but is necessary for the story, so be gentle with me :)
> 
> I will do my best to update as soon as possible again, hopefully already on Monday.
> 
> I'm still not sure how I'm going to divide the rest of the material I have drafted, but I'm aiming to write two more chapters and a possible epilogue.
> 
> Thank you once again for joining me on this adventure, I enjoyed every minute of it :)
> 
> And as usual, please leave a comment, it always means so much to me to hear from you


	19. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She spent an agonizing month, alternating between reassuring herself that everything that has happened was for the best, and chiding herself for being so cruel to Ben.
> 
>  
> 
> For if you’re ready to hurt the man you love by playing on his biggest fear, what does that say about you?
> 
> And what’s really left of your humanity?
> 
> She regrets the harshness of her words, but she can't take them back.
> 
>  
> 
> This baby is her excuse and reason for all that, and with less than a couple of months to go, she needs to make sure she’ll have all those she needs by her side when the time comes.

It’s enough only to look into Leia’s eyes to realize she knows what has happened between Ben and Rey.

  
Rey draws her blanket closer and internally makes sure that her Force shield is as strong as it should be, so that Leia wouldn’t also figure out why it’s happened. At least not immediately, not before Rey is ready to let her in on this secret.

  
She spent an agonizing month, alternating between reassuring herself that everything that has happened was for the best, and chiding herself for being so cruel to Ben.

  
For if you’re ready to hurt the man you love by playing on his biggest fear, what does that say about you?

And what’s really left of your humanity?

She regrets the harshness of her words, but she can't take them back.

  
This baby is her excuse and reason for all that, and with less than a couple of months to go, she needs to make sure she’ll have all those she needs by her side when the time comes.

  
At least she hopes Leia would be there for her, on her side in this dispute, supporting her in what’s to come, for Rey has a sudden revelation that Leia _is_ and always will primarily _be_ _Ben’s mother,_ a woman whose initial instinct would probably be to immediately put herself in Ben’s corner.

  
As of lately Rey’s begun to understand - or maybe not yet fully understand, but get the hint of - what it means to be a _mother_.

  
She’s never before really understood how much Leia must love Ben, even when she was fighting him.

  
This whole motherhood idea opens up a new perspective, introduces an unknown dimension to her, shows her that there's a hidden, unused chamber in the fabric of her heart, where this incredible possibility to love unconditionally is stored.

It's one of the few constants in this cold Universe.

  
And all this makes her mother’s “crime” seem worse than ever.

  
How could she not love her, how could she leave her all alone?

  
Rey inadvertently puts her hand on her belly to steady herself and then quickly tries to hide that movement by leaning over to Leia.

  
The profound silence between them is charged with unspoken words, but neither of the two women is willing to let them flow.

  
“More tea?” Rey asks, giving Leia a strained smile.

  
The older woman just nods, eyeing her suspiciously.

  
The scar on her neck is a thin, white line - the work of some skilled med droid - but it’s definitely there, as a witness of that point in time when the downfall began.

  
Rey invited Leia to come to Ahch-to without telling why and Leia readily consented.

And now the trepidation and fear of Leia’s reaction make her throat tighten.

  
They’re sitting in that half-finished academy building, with a view of the new, shiny monstrous temple domineering the top of the hill, sipping the tea Luke made for them.

He used his chores as an excuse to give them some privacy.

Rey knows that’s his way of trying to avoid any possible drama between them and yet, she misses him by her side.

The feeling is weird, for since he refused to be her teacher and was not overly nice to her, she couldn’t even pretend that he was interested in her well-being and yet, he did agree to help her with re-establishing the Jedi Academy and he’s the only other person as excited as she is about the baby.

  
She counts on Luke to support her in this endeavor, but she can’t be that sure about his sister.

  
It takes a village to raise a child and so far that village in Rey’s case might come down to Luke and the Lanais.

And maybe Leia. She still hopes.

  
Rey crosses her fingers and shifts, straightening and leaning backwards, so her tiny belly struts out.

It’s still an otherworldly experience. This life, growing inside of her, part her, part Ben, part something inexplicably original as all children are, is now the center of her world.

  
Her round belly is still not exactly eye-catching and moreover it's positively well-hidden by her clever choice of clothes, but on the inside, she feels as if all her organs have been pushed in different directions to make a place for the baby.

Her lungs are squeezed and she often feels breathless, her bladder feels full all the time, and her legs start swelling a bit and that makes wearing any footwear, even her soft suede boots, unbearable.

  
And yet, she wouldn’t miss this for the world.

  
She looks again at silent Leia, wondering if she also was worried, and restless, and insecure about the upcoming motherhood, back then, when she was carrying Ben, or she always knew how to handle it all.

  
And then she thinks how Leia lost Ben to life and she involuntarily shudders.

  
Just the thought that anyone could hurt her baby in any way, now or ever, is unbearable.

In that light Leia's reserve towards her seems unsurprising.

  
“How is he?”

Rey finally asks.

  
Leia holds her gaze and Rey is a bit startled to find such profound reproach in the older woman’s eyes.

  
“Busy,” she finally says, a bit drily. “I haven’t spoken to him in a while.”

  
“Don’t you work with him now?”

Rey phrases her question awkwardly, trying to choose the most neutral formulation.

  
Leia frowns lightly.

  
“In essence, yes. Senator Lylin and I are about to open our first joined session in the Assembly and he is still the Supreme Leader. But he's not into details. Not anymore.”

  
Rey sighs, fiddling with her mug.

  
“So you're back to where you started. In the Senate.”

  
Leia’s lips widen into a knowing smile.

  
“He frowns every time he hears that name.”

  
“I am…surprised he continued to develop the idea of the Galactic Union.”

  
“Well, it’s a good idea and there are more pros than cons. And people are tired of wars.”

  
“Is he on Chandrila?” Rey asks hopefully.

  
For if he’s there, it might mean he’s healing; if he can bear to be on that planet, then she’d know he’d eventually be all right.

  
“No,” Leia says steadily. “Roaming the galaxy on that wretched ship of his like a recluse. Poe is the only one who can reach him these days”

  
Rey almost spits the tea all over herself.

  
“Poe? POE? As in Poe Dameron? What does Poe have to do with Ben?”

  
Then she remembers how Ben said Poe had BB-8 show him the map of Ahch-to and realizes she should’ve asked about this earlier.

  
Leia looks at her, slightly frowning.

  
“Poe stepped in for General Hux. He’s commanding the First Order Army now. That is the Galactic Union Army. I know I should no longer call them like that…old habit, I guess.”

  
It takes time for Rey to wrap her mind around this idea.

  
Ben leaving Poe to lead the First Order Army, or whatever they may call it now, is more than mind-boggling.

  
The weirdest part is that it somehow even _makes sense_.

  
Politically it’s a superb move - it shows Ben’s readiness to get rid of the old oppressive forces in the First Order and transform it from within.

  
In retrospective it’s not even that strange, considering those two seemed oddly in sync back on Supremacy, when Poe and Finn came to visit them, so on a personal level their cooperation might work.

  
But the aspect that makes her heart rejoice with newly-found hope is that she sees it as a sign, as a message that he’s not giving up on himself, on Ben Solo, the way she saw him once upon a time, the way he still might look in her eyes, and at that moment she regrets bitterly cutting the Force bond and not being able to tell him all that.

  
“Is that what you wanted to talk about?” Leia asks.

  
The question brings her back to her reality.

  
There’s a reason she can’t just go back to him, the reason bigger than the cause they were fighting for together.

  
Rey sighs, still not knowing how to broach the subject.

  
Then she just lowers her shield and waits for Leia to figure it out on her own.

  
There’s something satisfying in watching the revelation slowly set on the older woman’s face.

  
Leia’s eyes widen and she gasps for air a few times.

Her hand goes toward Rey’s belly and then freezes in the air.

  
“May I?”

  
Rey just nods, smiling at her.

  
“Is that why you two fought?” Leia asks, squinting at her, apparently not entirely sure where the problem lies.

  
“No, it’s something else …I….I didn’t tell him about the baby.”

  
Leia leans back, the reproach in her eyes more visible than ever.

"When are you going to tell him?"

Rey squirms underneath her piercing gaze, for she knows Leia already anticipates her answer.

"I...I wasn't going to. At all."

Leia exhales loudly.

  
“Rey….don’t do this, don’t go this way. It’s the way of darkness. He needs to know. Your baby will need to know. I’m not speaking only as his mother, but as someone who made more mistakes than she cares to remember.”

  
“He doesn’t deserve it!” Rey says stubbornly.

  
_Yet._

  
“Maybe he doesn’t, But if we get only what we deserve, this Galaxy would be an inhabitable place.”

  
There’s so much truth in Leia’s earnest words, in her ardent eyes, that Rey feels compelled to avert her gaze and take a deep breath, trying to put her fears into words.

  
“Back in your family house on Chandrila he said the Skywalkers should die out with him. He said he wouldn’t want anyone to go through the same ever again. This baby is bound to be special and I’m not sure it would be safe with him. What if….,” she loses her voice in the end of that sentence, for she can’t bear to finish it.

  
Voicing her greatest fear - that Ben wouldn’t want this baby the way she wants it, or worse, that he would seize the opportunity and take it away from her and into the darkness with him - saying it would somehow make it happen, at least in her mind.

  
So she just shakes her head.

  
“Back in our family house, where he was most unhappy in his life, most lonely, he said he didn’t want anybody to go though the same ever again. Wanting children is what most men are not aware of until they get them.”

  
Leia’s voice is clear and cold, but then she sighs and leans over to Rey, reaching for her hand.

  
“I’m not going to try to persuade you to trust him again. But I need to tell you to think things through again, for keeping a secret this big is bound to backfire. It’s not only about Ben. It’s about the baby who wouldn’t know who his or her father is. They eventually get to the point where knowing where they come from becomes essential for them. I wish I could go back in time and tell Ben who his grandfather was. I was afraid and I tried to make some decisions that weren’t mine to make.”

  
“But if I reveal this to him, I am revealing it to the whole Galaxy. And I’m afraid, I’m so afraid I won’t be enough to protect the baby."

  
“You’ll have him on your side.”

  
Rey’s tears are by now rolling down her cheeks, unhindered. She’s so easy on tears lately.

  
“That’s another thing: we haven’t been on each other’s side for a very long time. I don’t even know what it feels like!”

  
“You don’t see your influence on him. You balance him, you push him in the right direction and this,” Leia points at her belly, “well, knowing the history of our family, that wouldn’t have happened if the Force didn’t want it. There’s a bigger picture in which you and Ben have your places.”

  
Rey keeps stubbornly shaking her head, and determinedly wiping her cheeks.

 

“You have to ask yourself if you still have faith in him? And would you trust him with what is most precious to you? If the answer is yes to at least one of these questions, you need to reconsider,” Leia says, getting up.

  
“Will you be there for me when the time comes?” Rey asks, getting up as well. “I have no one else to ask.”

  
Leia gives her a warm hug.

  
“I will always be there for you and the little one. For whatever you need me. And your secret is safe with me. Just think once again, I beg you. Think before it’s too late,” she says.

 

Rey lies awake all night, distressed by Leia’s visit.

The baby is restless, too, probably sensing her anguish.

By dawn she decides to put an end to her misery and get some answers.

  
She reaches to Chewie and instructs him to come and get her.

 

____________________

 

Hyperspace jumps and pregnancy don’t go well together and Rey learns it from the first-hand experience.

She doesn't even try to help Chewie pilot the Millennium Falcon. She's mostly holding her belly and counting down until they get out of the hyperspace.

  
Landing on Takodana leaves her dizzy and a bit disoriented, but once again on the firm ground of the familiar, green planet, she feels invigorated enough to stroll towards Maz Kanata’s castle.

She's declined Chewie’s offer to carry her, but he's trailing behind her just in case.

  
  
The castle is standing as tall as it ever was, the old walls repaired and the new metal door glinting in the sun.

Rey hasn’t witnessed its destruction, being already unconscious in Ben’s arms, but she heard enough about it from Finn to have been able to imagine it, so she is surprised by the state of the edifice.

The statue of its owner still stands in front of it, welcoming guests from all corners of the Galaxy with open arms.

  
The old pirate queen opens the door herself, peers over Rey's shoulder at Chewie, who runs back to the Millennium Falcon without turning, and chuckles.

  
“Come back, boyfriend. I promise to be gentle this time!”

  
Then she turns her attention to Rey.

  
“I’ve been expecting you,” she says, motioning her in.

  
Rey steps into the den filled with familiar shady personages, almost nostalgic for that time when she was just a girl who still knew nothing of the Force. It has brought her mostly trouble.

But then she places her hand over her bulging belly and corrects herself. It had also brought her this baby so in the end it was worth it.

  
“You managed to fix this place! It looks as good as new.”

  
“It was _your boyfriend_ ,” Maz says casually, motioning her into her private quarters.

  
“What do you mean?” Rey asks automatically, but in her heart she already knows the answer.

  
“Kylo sent his workers to fix the damage the First order made here. Restitution, he said. I also made him pay me some money for doing that PR for him so I used it to repair the statue, too. Like it, ha? He’s seriously into that _making amends_ thing. Sort of as if he’s trying to grow out of his old life and leave it behind.”

  
Rey’s heart flutters a bit on hearing this.

Maz’s shrewd, bespectacled eyes are searching her face.

  
“How did you know I was coming?” Rey asks.

  
“Everybody at some point comes back to the beginning of their story.”

  
Pictures flash through Rey’s mind - run through the forest, while BB-8 was trying to hide, Ben paralyzing her with ease and interrogating her on Finalizer, back then, the first time ever she saw his face, the face of the Force that has always whispered to her.

  
How different things are now, when BB-8 is voluntarily showing the map to Ben and she’s carrying his baby!

  
“A little Skywalker in the oven, ha?” says Maz, chuckling, as if reading her mind, and Rey blushes.

  
“You knew we were gonna get to this?” Rey asks, squinting at Maz, remembering their conversation back then, on Supremacy, when Ben reached to her to ask for her support.

  
Maz sits down in front of her.

  
“Yes,” she simply says.

  
“That’s why I’m here. I need some answers. I…I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told him about the baby, but it feels wrong either way, both keeping it as a secret and exposing an innocent child to the whims of the Galaxy just because his or her lineage. Help me make this decision, Maz!”

  
The old woman frowns.

  
“Nobody can make that decision for you. There are consequences whichever way you take. You just take the one you can live with.”

  
“You said things I didn’t understand back then. You said I should…look ahead.”

  
“Always look ahead, my dear. Looking behind won’t do you any good.”

  
“So I should _kill the past_?”

  
“Mmmm, no need for killing what’s already dead. Use it to learn and move on.”

  
Rey’s lips start trembling.

  
“But, things have happened. Inexplicable things. Oh, Maz, I love a man who does bad things. I…I like to think he means well, but deep down inside, I know it’s not true,” she starts crying uncontrollably. “I don’t think I can reconcile with that.”

  
“You, Skywalkers, are always so dramatic,” Maz brushes her off.

Rey stops crying and just gapes at her, her tears quickly drying out.

  
“I am _not_ a Skywalker!” she says indignantly.

  
Maz leans over and looks deep into Rey’s eyes, her own pair of magnifying glasses so uncomfortably close.

  
“No, you’re right. You’ve always been _a Solo_.”

Rey smiles against her will.

  
“The way you put it, I'll be a Solo either way! I love Ben, I want to be with him, but I don’t want to be with Kylo and I dont want him around my baby!“

  
It seems that just being here, with this ancient woman is helping her clear her mind and voice her fears.

  
“You cannot have a man molded according to your wishes. God knows I learned that the hard way after my tenth husband. Or was it eleventh? I can’t remember. Anyway, he is who he is. And he’s trying to be the best version of himself. That’s what you brought out in him.”

  
Rey looks at her, open-mouthed, the realization dawning on her face.

  
_He’s doing this for himself as well. Not only to win her back._

  
_To be able to live with himself regardless of what life brings._

  
She should’ve seen it straight away, and yet, no wonder she didn’t, chasing the dream she had in her head, the ideal of a spotless family, of a love unburdened by darkness -  but that is not how life works.

They’re all scarred: she, Ben, her saber, the fabric of this Galaxy, and even the Force.

He’s already left his inexorable mark on her, but she knows she marked him, too, and if they can’t keep that precarious balance between them and find the way to be together, then what’s the point of saving this Galaxy?

Rey gets up and hugs Maz.

"Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. I have no time to lose!"

 

_________________________

 

On her way back she feels as if the fog has lifted from her brain.

  
She had so much faith in him when she shipped herself to him across the Galaxy and she knows her faith in Ben Solo is still intact. She should just hold on to that.

  
He said it himself.

  
_If you love somebody you don’t give up on them._

  
She will call him, open their Force bond as soon as she gets back to Ahch-to and tell him to come for her.

She will lower the shield and let him feel their baby.

And let him have his say in all this, for she owes him that much.

And more. She owes him much more, and she hopes they'll get to that.

  
Once the Millennium Falcon emerges from the hyperspace, her stomach tightens with sudden pain and she shifts a bit on the cot she used for resting during the interstellar flight.

She's by now used to a certain amount of discomfort, even pain in the form of  cramps, so she remains lying, patiently waiting for it to subside.

But it never does.

It goes over for a moment, only to come back with renewed force.

She stumbles out of the ship between two contractions and then the clear liquid starts running down her legs, gathering beneath her in a growing puddle.

The pain is paralyzing, terrifying, more encompassing than she could have ever imagined.

It tears her apart on the spot, and she crouches down to prevent herself from falling.

Panic has no coherent thoughts but her brain keeps repeating _too early._

And then she opens up her mind and her body and her heart and calls Ben's name.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to update again a few days ago, but as it turned out, something came up (in the form of a splitting headache that kept me in bed for more than 48 hours, and prevented me from opening my eyes, but 'nough about it!)
> 
> I'm slowly wrapping up this story, so once again thank you for being here with me, reading, leaving kudos and comments.
> 
> I can't stress enough how much we, who venture to share our stories this way, depend on you.
> 
> Every single comment warms our hearts and shines like a beacon in this indifferent Galaxy (yes, I'm quoting myself here ;) :)) 
> 
> Anyway, talk to me either here or on tumblr. I hope we'll hang out even when this story is over :)


	20. The other side of the specter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The vision of an empty cradle is haunting.
> 
>  
> 
> Leia is focused on hiding her worry, moving around with an unswerving, resolute stance.
> 
>  
> 
> “Deep breaths, my dear,“ she instructs her, checking her pulse and placing a wet cloth on her forehead. “Have a sip of water. And let’s time those contractions.”
> 
>  
> 
> “Have you seen Ben? I can’t reach him….” Rey says, panting.
> 
>  
> 
> Leia avoids her eyes and says nothing.
> 
>  
> 
> Where are you, Ben, when I most need you?

  
Rey has encountered pain in her life, in that jagged world she grew up in, where every sunset felt like a success.

She had her limbs hurt, even broken, she endured Snoke’s torture, but this …this is something else

  
This is _agony_ , this is the pain she’s never met before, this is the other side of the specter.

  
She tries to use the Force to alleviate the pain, but it’s so difficult to focus on anything except breathing and survival.

  
_And Ben’s absence,_ for the Force is silent on his side and the void is threatening to devour her.

Luke runs towards her, but she’s waving him off, instructing him to send Chewie to fetch Leia.

Between the first and the second wave of pain she tries to climb up those endless, winding, stony stairway, but doesn’t get far before The Lanais, catching up with her, unceremoniously dump her in a wheelbarrow and push her up the hill to the unfinished Academy building.

  
Luke follows them, carries her inside and places her on the cot.

  
She’s in too much pain to protest, but she’s alert enough to sense his discomfort.

  
He has no idea what to do, she thinks, glancing at him, as he’s sweating by the wall, wringing his hands. She feels sorry for him, and yet she has no time for that, for there are more pressing matters to deal with now.

  
_This is too early._

She was trying to calculate a possible due date based on what she knew about human biology and whichever way she turns it, this shouldn’t be happening.

  
_Unless something is terribly, terribly wrong._

  
She tries to meditate at first, and conquer the spasms. She’s never even given the childbirth a thought in terms of pain, trusting that the Force will guide her.

  
And now she’s alone, torn apart by the excruciating pain and the Force is suddenly silent.

And Ben doesn't hear her.

  
There’s a pattern in this torment that’s meticulously twisting her inside.

  
She goes with the flow, and tries to steady herself in between the intensifying bouts of pain and give the Lanais instructions how to help her.

  
They lift her in a half-sitting position, pile up pillows behind her and start massaging her lower back. It feels good, until another wave of pain arrives, stronger than the previous one.

Rey keeps her chin pressed down, teeth clenched, trying to resist the need to push.

  
She catches the sight of the half-finished cradle in the corner and her eyes well with tears.

  
Even without any experience in these matters and surrounded only by the avian Caretakers and a perplexed Jedi bachelor, she knows that what’s happening to her is wrong, beyond wrong, and that she should be terrified if she only could afford it.

  
But she can’t.

  
She’s always been a fighter and the current task is to survive the childbirth.

  
It takes forever for Leia to arrive, or maybe just a handful of minutes, she can’t tell. Taking into account the Millennium Falcon’s speed, the latter is more believable.

  
Luke goes out, relieved that he no longer has to be a part of something he has no knowledge about, and his sister takes completely over, instructs the Lanais to boil some water and prepare sheets.

She comes with ointments and roots and blankets and even a little cradle.

  
The initials BS on it made Rey scream with despair stronger than any pain she’s experiencing at that moment.

  
The vision of an empty cradle is haunting.

  
Leia is focused on hiding her worry, moving around with an unswerving, resolute stance.

  
“Deep breaths, my dear,“ she instructs her, checking her pulse and placing a wet cloth on her forehead. “Have a sip of water. And let’s time those contractions.”

  
“Have you seen Ben? I can’t reach him….” Rey says, panting.

  
Leia avoids her eyes and says nothing.

  
_Where are you, Ben, when I most need you?_

  
Her mind is open, needy, unguarded and the heat in her and around her intensifies as something inside her snaps and the Force flows out and swipes through the Galaxy.

She's so supple, so drained, unable to stop it as the walls around her start shaking.

  
Leia flinches, but then rushes to her again to hold her hand.

  
The outburst of the Force feels like an explosion of a black star, and Rey is suddenly everywhere, feeling the Galaxy around her enfolding, pulsating, until she absorbs it all.

  
And in all those energy signatures there’s one familiar she holds on to.

  
Ben’s astonished face hovers in front of her.

  
_Did he come to her or she went to him?_

  
She can’t be entirely sure until she’s in his mind and takes it all in through his eyes: her own face, sweaty and distorted in pain, the pool of blood underneath her pelvis and Leia, suddenly very openly worried and focused on something that doesn’t look right.

  
Ben’s eyes, wide and dark, are on Rey’s and then he turns his back to her and leaves.

 

 

 

  
“The baby is breech,” Leia pants, doing something awful there, between Rey’s legs, something that hurts more than anything she has ever experienced before, but again it’s just a physical pain and nowhere near her heartache.

  
_I’m dying anyway,_ Rey thinks, weak and with a fuzzy consciousness.

  
And her whole heart is one raw emotion, for her baby is about to come into this world orphaned even before its first breath.

Her lids are heavy and her breathing slows down and for a moment, she’s adrift among the stars, feeling as if she’s about to disintegrate.

She doesn't know how long she stays like this. Her mind's soothing her as her pain-ridden body's fighting for survival.

 

The charge in the Force makes her open her eyes with a snap, suddenly alert, for Ben’s leaning down to kiss her cold, sweaty forehead.

  
“I’m here,” he says.

  
_Where?_ she wants to ask for this must be her vision of him, so fleeting she isn’t even sure she’s imagining him as he was that last time she saw him, or she’s simply filling in from her memory.

  
But she feels him, she feels his Force enveloping her, cradling her and taking its share of her pain.

  
Her eyes are tired and blurry and the world is askew.

  
Leia hovers behind his back and he turns his head slightly and gives her a look full of reproach.

  
“It wasn’t my secret to tell!“ Leia hisses at him.

  
Ben just closes his eyes and crouches down next to her, directing his Force at her.

  
_I know what you’re doing, but I'm afraid it might be too late,_ she wants to say, but the words escape her.

  
“The baby didn’t turn, probably because she went in labor before her due date. She’s lost more blood than she can afford. It’s just a matter of time…” Leia stammers.

  
Still crouching, Ben turns to face Leia, pointing at her with his index-finger.

  
“Don’t say it! Don’t even think it!” he growls at her.

  
“Ben,” Leia puts her hand on his shoulder. “You have no time to transport her anywhere and we have nothing to help her with here.”

  
“I have the Force,” he says firmly, straightening up, and reaching for his comm link.

  
She wishes she could say something, or even look at him properly, but his face is coming in and out of focus and her mind is drifting.

  
He wraps her in his cape, and lifts her up in his arms.

  
The searing pain comes and goes making her almost faint, but she’s too weak to scream.

The world is blurry and consists of smells. The ocean wind in her sweaty hair, Ben’s scent, heavy with anxiety.

  
She thinks she can smell the rain on the horizon.

  
Her head lolls from one side to the other, and the tinge of iron, coming from the blood trail they leave behind, reaches her in waves.

  
Ben carries her up to the temple, his face dark, focused on not missing a step, on holding her as steady as possible, and yet wincing whenever she screams, which prompts him to squeeze her tighter.

  
She sees an aircraft hovering above the temple and indiscernible figures already down on the ground, in front of it.

  
“Who? What?” she is alert, still sweating and puffing. She doesn’t like it, too many creatures around her at the time when she’s most vulnerable.

  
“My medics. Preparing the facility for you. I have no time to transport you to the Supremacy in this condition.”

  
“I don’t want them here. I want only you,” she says stubbornly.

  
And he looks at her, perplexed, his gait faltering.

  
“I called you. Didn’t you hear me?”

  
“I…I did,” he stammers. “I was meditating. I thought I was imagining it all. Until you shook the Galaxy so I knew it was really you.”

  
She wants to lift her hand up to cradle his cheek, oh how she wants it, but her impertinent arm hangs limply.

  
“I was on my way back to you. Because if you love somebody you don’t give up on them,” she whispers in his neck.

  
She can feel his tears before she sees them, but he stubbornly looks straight ahead.

  
The pain is even now, excruciating, making her feel weak and perturbed.

  
“Don’t talk, save your strength,” he says.

  
His words are tinted with fear of losing her again.

  
Rey leans on his shoulder and turns her head to look at the hazy ocean beneath the green jewel of Ahch-to.

  
“I loved this island,” she says, her voice ringing with impending goodbye.

  
He winces on hearing her words and tightens his grip on her.

  
Her brain is itching for there is something important she needs to tell him before she drifts off again, something vital for their story and she struggles to remember what that might be.

  
Another excruciating bout of pain reminds her why she’s there at all.

  
“Ben, if I don’t get out of this alive, I want you to promise me you’ll take care of our baby. You need to be both of us.”

  
His lips are trembling and his eyes are avoiding her.

  
“No,” he says, shaking his head, keeping his eyes straight ahead. ”There’s no need for that. You’re not going anywhere without me. Never again.”

  
She’s not sure he understands why this is the most important conversation they have ever had.

  
For there’s nothing more important to her now than extracting that promise out of him, nothing more precious than making sure this baby will be in good hands if she dies.

  
Her mind is already fuzzy and words coming out of her mouth are repetitive.

  
Once she finds them in all the chaos reigning over her brain, she doesn’t let them go.

  
“Ben, promise me,” she growls through her pain.

  
“I won’t let you go,” he repeats, sniffling.

  
“ _Kylo_!” she yells, teeth clenched, breathing through pain.

  
His head snaps to her.

  
“Promise me you won’t give up on our baby!”

  
“I promise,” he stammers.

  
His words set her free and she goes limp in his arms.

 

____________________

 

There’s too much motion in the temple on the hill and the world is too bright.

In the ocean of blue-dressed beings buzzing around her, she detects both humans and med droids, installing their advanced machinery around her.

  
Sprawled on the bed, holding Ben’s hand so tight, she’s sure she’s breaking his fingers, Rey keeps gasping for air.

  
“It hurts, it hurts so much!”

  
Ben’s sweaty forehead is dripping all over her.

  
“I know, I feel it, too. We’ll get through this together, my love.”

  
Pain comes and goes, and her body becomes less and less responsive.

A tiny flicker of awareness is flashing through her mind, but not even the fear of defeat is enough to keep her going.

  
“We are losing her, she needs blood,” a voice urges invisible figures surrounding her. A woman tries to pass by Ben and poke her with a huge needle, but he stops her.

  
“Synthetic blood won’t keep her alive,” he says, trying to roll up the sleeves of his tunic.

  
“Supreme Leader, I've already told you that your blood types don’t match,” the woman says, her lips tight. “It’s a scientific fact, I have showed you my results!“

  
“Your rules don’t apply here! Only the Force can save her,” Ben growls back at her and then stands up, beyond irritated.

  
The sleeves of his tunic are too tight and he keeps tugging at them in frustration until he yanks the garment over his head with one impatient move and remains shirtless.

  
Even before Ben opens his mouth, Rey know what he’s going to say.

  
“Everybody out!” he yells.

  
His face is a mask of resolve and he doesn’t need to repeat his order. The room clears out in a second.

  
Leia is the only one who dares to stand up to him.

  
“You can’t do it alone!”

  
He grunts, but excepts her presence.

  
“I have no choice. If I don’t use the Force to turn the baby, she’ll die. They'll both die.”

  
There’s a tiny sob, hidden in that last syllable, the word that can change everything for all of them.

  
Rey is by now an indifferent spectator of the scene unfolding in front of her hazy eyes.

  
“Ben, it's too risky,” Leia says.“I don't think it's going to work.”

  
He looks into his mother’s eyes.

  
"I need you to trust me on this. Rey would’ve known it’s possible. Just… _Mom_ , just stand by me.”

  
Leia’s eyes well with tears and she gives him a firm reassuring nod.

  
Ben’s attention is on Rey once again.

  
“I know you can hear me, I know you’re still there. I need you to be strong now,” he leans down and whispers in her ear. “Push when I say.”

  
He positions himself between her legs and she closes her eyes as he extends his hands over her bulging belly.

  
Rey for a moment wonders what he is doing, until she feels the Force prodding her, and she arches her back as her body lifts off the bed.

  
There’s heat and light radiating from her as well as from him and the ground is shaking again.

  
It feels as if she’s being torn apart from the inside, as the baby inside her tumbles and twitches.

The pressure on her lower back is almost unbearable and she clenches her teeth until Ben yells “Push” and in a matter of seconds their baby glides out of her straight into Ben’s arms.

  
Rey’s body falls back on the bed with a thud, her wordless mouth gaping, her eyes glued on that bloody, squirming, screaming wonder that Ben holds tight to his bare chest.

  
For a moment, the time stops.

  
“It’s a boy,” Leia, says, covering her mouth with her palm to hide her sob.

  
Ben stands up, gaping at the tiny creature in his large hands, stunned.

  
They’re both wet with traces of blood and slime and they’re the most beautiful sight Rey has ever seen, like a carbon copy of each other, one huge, the other one tiny, sharing the same ancient eyes and looking at each other as if they’ve known each other for centuries.

  
The next second Ben’s eyes dart to her and then he quickly wraps the baby in his discarded tunic, hands him over to Leia, and rushes back to her side.

In the corner of her eyes she can see him fiddling with a long tube, and then sticking one end of it into his arm and the other one into hers, but that’s not what preoccupies her mind at this moment.

  
_Why can’t I see our son? Let me go!_ she thinks craning her neck towards the baby.

  
And then, she gets up to see him better more easily than she thought was possible.

  
She can’t help but marvel at his perfection.

  
He’s so tiny, but so alert, so alive.

His Force signature is still undefined, as if the Force can’t decide where to place him.

  
He’s wriggling in Leia’s arms as she’s trying to clean him a bit, talking soothingly to him.

  
“Give him to me,” Rey says, but Leia ignores her and Rey calls Ben’s name, but he doesn’t respond, either.

  
_Why won’t anybody talk to me_? she is beyond annoyed and she turns to Ben and finds him desperate and disheveled, kneeling next to her lifeless, broken body that is still lying on the bed in a large pool of blood.

  
She looks again at her son and then back at Ben, who’s wiping his tears - more likely smearing them all over his face - his nose running, his lips tight and biting back his sobs.

  
“Don’t leave me, Rey,” he’s pleading. “I don’t know how to be in this world without you.”

  
_I won’t, dummy,_ she thinks, as she puts her hand on his head to ruffle his hair but her hand goes through him.

  
Feeling the jolt in the Force, Ben turns his head to her.

His eyes widen, and his lips start trembling, as their eyes meet and then they both look down at her milky-gray, translucent hands.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for reading and commenting.
> 
> You motivate me to write faster! :)
> 
> This is a short, but intense chapter and since it ends the way it ends, I will try to update as soon as possible for I am so looking forward to a long weekend where I can juggle both my family and all the hours needed to write and hopefully edit another chapter.
> 
> Once again, Equipoise is unbetaed and all the mistakes and typos are mine.
> 
> Happy reading and please, let me know what you think about this update.
> 
> Your comments are what I'm here for :)


	21. No one's ever really gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Among the shadows gathering around her she sees her parents as she remembers them, and she can only try to stifle a cry, for this means they came back for her just like she thought they would.
> 
>  
> 
> For a brief moment she feels complete.
> 
>  
> 
> She held on to that hope and she was right!
> 
>  
> 
> Except that the instant she’s about to step over that invisible line, she’s aware of a huge hole in the center of her heart and she turns around to look one last time at Ben and their son.
> 
>  
> 
> They’re one in the Force, pulsing in the shape of the part that’s missing from her own heart.
> 
>  
> 
> The ghosts of her parents extend their arms at her, but she recoils from them.
> 
>  
> 
> The shadows stir, converging on her.
> 
>  
> 
> I don’t belong with you, she thinks. You are not my flock.
> 
>  
> 
> There will be no pain, the voices whisper.
> 
>  
> 
> No, that’s a lie.
> 
>  
> 
> There will always be pain, she thinks, for how else would I know I’m alive!

 

“No!”

  
Ben shrieks and shakes his head frantically. His hair is plastered to his forehead and his face is beyond dirty, smeared and swollen.

  
“No!!!”

  
His scream is a potent wave in the Force, his despair closing in on her.

  
She can feel it around her, enveloping her, but she’s numb and nothing really reaches her core.

  
She is gaping at him, her overworked brain not entirely able to process what’s happening. It feels as if she's already somehow distancing herself from that, already gliding behind the veil separating this world of pain and misery and longing, from that other, where nothing can touch her anymore.

The darkness ahead of her is all-encompassing and unavoidable.

  
There are whispers from the other side of it, seductive and soothing, and she turns to them and lends them her ears.

As the fabric of the universe tears and she gets to peek into the other side, she feels herself fading and dissolving into the ether.

Leia, alarmed by Ben’s wail, gapes in shock.

  
Ben is a mess of tears and sweat and Rey’s blood smeared over his chest, leaning over her corpse, shaking her limp limbs, repeating her name.

  
Rey feels him tugging at that tube connecting them, but her attention is divided between the man she loves, the man she can’t comfort, and their son, who is the purple vortex of the Force, holding her connected to this world, as much as that tube attached to her arm.

  
Her love for Ben and their tiny son - motherless at this very moment, - are still grounding her to this temple.

  
And yet, she’s not sure how long she will stay like this, in this in-between place, for there are again those whispers from the darkness of the cave, speaking to the same dark that resonated in her all this time.

Among the shadows gathering around her she sees her parents as she remembers them, and she can only try to stifle a cry, for this means they came back for her just like she thought they would.

  
For a brief moment she feels complete.

  
She held onto that hope and she was right!

  
Except that the instant she’s about to step over that invisible line, she’s aware of a huge hole in the center of her heart and she turns around to look  one last time at Ben and their son.

  
They’re one in the Force, pulsing in the shape of the part that’s missing from her own heart.

  
The ghosts of her parents extend their arms at her, but she recoils from them.

  
The shadows stir, converging on her.

  
_I don’t belong with you_ , she thinks. _You are not my flock_.

  
_There will be no pain_ , the voices whisper.

  
_No, that’s a lie._

  
_There will always be pain_ , she thinks, _for how else would I know I’m alive!_

 

As soon as she turns her back to the shadows, Ben's despair reaches her as an overpowering wave.

  
He leans down and presses one hot kiss onto her frozen lips.

  
His warmth is running through her cold body as the thick, red liquid passes over to her through the tube connecting them.

  
She feels anchored by that tube the end of which Ben is holding, caught in that magnet he himself is.

He’s weeping, bathing her body in his tears.

  
She looks at that lifeless body, more and more lines protruding from it, drawing her back, but she was on her way back anyway, she told him that already, and sliding back into herself feels so easy.

  
Her lips part underneath his urgent mouth and her _next breath_ , her first _new breath_ , is the air he’s breathing.

  
“Rey,” he says barely audibly, looking into her eyes, his eyelashes wet, his lips trembling.

 

  
____________________

 

 

Rey is not sure how long they stay like this, gazing into each other’s eyes in amazement.

  
“You’re back,” he says, having an obvious difficulty forming even a simple sentence as this one.

  
Rey looks back at him in wonder.

  
How could she have ever doubted him is beyond her understanding now.

  
“I was never really gone,” she says, searching for their son with her eyes.

His Force signature is permeating the space around, tinting the whole room purple.

  
Her body hurts beyond belief and she takes it all in, Ben’s dirty face, the blood-flooded floor and Leia holding their son, standing by the window.

  
The blood, the Force, is flowing steadily from Ben’s arm into hers, filling her like an empty vessel.

  
She attempts a feeble smile, but once again looses her lips to his.

A few sobs escape him as he’s ardently kissing her as if his life depends on it, and then he wipes his eyes.

  
“How are you feeling?”

  
“Like I could fly,” she says her voice croaked.

  
“Liar” he says, smiling.

  
She's missed that smile more than air. She tries to lift her hand and cradle his cheek, like she used to, but can’t.

They’re still attached by the tube. She looks at it in wonder.

  
“I gave you blood. But I also gave you the Force.”

  
“Ben, it must be enough.”

  
“No,” he says. “You are still weak.”

  
“Ben,” Rey starts again and slowly pulls out that tube from his arm. “I’ll be all right. Just watch over me, will you?”

  
He staggers a bit, bending his arm to stop the blood from that tear in his vein, leaning over to kiss her once again.

  
Leia comes over, leans down to touch her cheek and hands her the baby.

  
Rey holds him in the crook of her arm, her heart swelling with adoration.

  
He’s fast asleep, his pale lids interspersed with bluish veins, his tiny mouth slightly open, forming a minuscule 'o', but they are definitely there - Ben’s plush lips in a bud.

  
He’s so tiny, all those huge traits of Ben’s face yet to unfurl on his, and somehow she can already see them there.

  
She can’t see herself on that face, not yet.

  
He feels like a solid presence in her arms despite his size.

  
And the Force in him is humming contentedly.

  
“He’s so beautiful,” Rey says.

She has never before experienced this kind of boundless love and worship as she’s feeling at this moment.

  
“You both are,” Ben says, in a voice choked with emotion.

  
Rey extends the other arm to him, not taking her eyes off their son, and scoots over to the edge of the bed to make place for him.

He envelops them both in his long arms and Rey leans on his bicep, her favorite pillow.

  
Leia looks fondly at the little family and then places a comm link on the nightstand.

  
“Rest now. All of you. I’ll be down there with Luke if you need me,” she says, closing the door behind her.

  
They’re left alone in their little bubble until Rey’s lids become heavy and she drifts off into a dreamless sleep.

 

____________________

 

The world is bright and silent when she wakes up again, her hand immediately going over to her empty belly.

Next to her Ben holds their son on his bare chest, and they're both tucked under a blanket.

  
_The tiny wonder and his father,_ she thinks as another bout of love for both of them washes over her.

  
“Hey,” she says, looking into Ben’s warm eyes.

  
“Hey,“ he says in that deep timbre voice of his.

  
“What did I miss?” she asks.

  
“Not much, he slept all this time,” he says.

  
The dark circles under his eyes are more prominent than ever, his face still dirty and smeared, but there’s an expression of genuine happiness underneath it all.

  
“Why didn’t you get some sleep, too?”

  
He just shakes his head.

  
“I was busy keeping our son warm and watching you breathe,” he says, half-smiling, handing the baby to her.

  
She is so overwhelmed with his tiny body in direct contact with her skin, she can’t make a coherent sentence.

  
Rey is all eyes, and one giant swelling heart, but then again, there are moments when words are not needed and this is one of them.

  
“You two need a bath,” Ben says smiling, wrinkling his nose at her.

  
“You don’t smell of roses either!” Rey chuckles. “We’re probably the three stinkiest people in the Galaxy.”

  
“The three happiest as well,” he says as he kisses her forehead, gets up and leaves the room.

  
She hears water running somewhere in one of the adjacent rooms.

  
Ben comes back shortly, takes both her and the baby in his arms and puts them in a huge tub filled with water, and then takes his pants off and gets in on the other side.

The water level rises and he can barely fit in there, but Rey wouldn’t want it any other way.

  
He takes her legs into his lap and starts meticulously cleaning the crusted blood from her calves and inner thighs.

  
The world is wet and warm and the baby is sprawled flat over her stomach, latching on her breast protruding from the water, without even opening his eyes.

  
“He seems natural in this,” she says, marveling at their son and this tickling sensation caused by breastfeeding.

 

It’s the funniest sensation in the world, giving food and life to this tiny creature she already loves more than her own life.

  
Ben looks back at them with adoration.

  
Baby’s tiny fingers are twitching and then he lets go of her breast, grabs her index-finger and directs his gaze at her, so alert and clear.

  
The Force in him is potent, humming in perfect balance that spreads peace and is pulsating in all shades of purple.

  
“He is so… _miraculous_!” she exclaims, giving up on searching another, less pompous word, for if there ever was anyone who shared the sentiment it’s Ben.

  
“The Force probably wouldn’t have put up with our fights for anybody less miraculous” he chuckles.

  
“I couldn’t wait to meet you,” she says to their son and Ben smiles at both of them. “And I can’t wait for you to tell me who you are.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ben asks, his voice soft just like his eyes.

  
“I was afraid you wouldn’t want it. I…I didn’t know I wanted a baby either, I mean if anyone ever asked me in advance, I would’ve probably just shrugged and said 'not now', but I wanted _this_ baby from the beginning, I wanted  our baby and I... after what you said both on the Supremacy and on Chandrila I wasn't sure you'd feel the same. As if it weren't already complicated.”

  
He stops working on cleaning her and frowns.

  
“What did I say?”

  
“That it was good this…Skywalker _madness_ would stop with you, that you wouldn’t want anyone else to go through the same thing. I thought, …I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t even thinking, I was just afraid. And maybe a bit too selfish.”

  
Rey can’t hide the tears in her voice and he reaches for her and caresses her cheek with the back of his hand.

  
“I should've known better than to say something like that. We’re not going to make the same mistakes our parents made.”

  
“We’ll make new ones,” she says softly.

  
“Yeah, we probably will,” he inhales sharply. “Together. Just…don't go anyhwere."

  
She gives him a reassuring smile and looks around.

  
“I actually like what you did with this place. I didn’t know it looked this modern.”

  
“You mean you didn’t even step in it?” he asks in disbelief.

  
She just shakes her head.

  
“You better get used to it. It’ll be our home. We can start that Jedi Academy as soon as you feel better,” he adds casually.

  
“What?” she exclaims. “You can’t be serious.”

  
“I’ve never been more serious in my entire life.”

  
“No. It’s not going to happen,” she shakes her head.

  
“It is so. You barely stayed alive and you want to fight with me? Again!? No, Rey, I’m not playing that game with you ever again. I almost lost you, I have a preview what life without you feels like. No,” he says firmly, his lips one tight line. “You want to stay here, I’m staying here with you. I’ll be there for you and our son. You want me to be a Jedi? I can be a Jedi, it’s all the same to me now. I’m putting you two before anything or anybody else.”

  
“Including yourself? That’s _exactly_ what I don’t want, Ben. You leaning again to my side is not balance. This is not what we were trying to do. We both have our jobs to do, and we have to find the perfect equilibrium between us.”

  
He’s looking stubbornly back at her.

  
“You two are my job. Nothing has any meaning without you. I’ll be whatever you want me to be.”

  
He sounds determined, so she tries another approach.

  
“Can’t you see that I was also wrong? You should be you, not somebody else, so that I would love you. I mean I love you anyway, the Supreme leader or a Jedi, it’s all the same to me. You two are my family. And you’ve already done so much! You put Poe in charge of the army and your own mother to head the new Senate!”

  
“Assembly. Whatever.”

  
Rey holds his gaze.

  
“If this is about balance, then who’s representing the dark side?”

  
He’s silent, his eyes are steady, the fever in them is gone, but the underlying sadness that has always been there never will.

  
She knows the answer even before he says those words. She doesn’t even need to peek inside his mind, for it’s written all over his face.

  
“Me. It will always be me, Rey.”

  
She leans over to him and looks deep into his eyes.

  
“Because the Galaxy needs the dark side, too. We all have it, but we’re afraid of it. Remember back then, when we fought the stormtroopers in the garden -”

  
“ _Our_ garden,” he corrects her.

  
“In our garden then, I….I knew. I felt it too. The darkness in me rejoicing, and you knew it. I’ve seen your darkness, but I’ve seen mine, as well. I know what it's like to feel the pull from the dark.”

  
He shifts uncomfortably.

  
“But you didn’t give in,” he says remorsefully.

  
She sighs.

  
“It was easier for me not to give in, for I was never really there, alone in the dark, the way you were. I’ve been thinking, I’m done fighting you, Ben,” she says quietly, but seriously.

  
She sees it clearly - the pointlessness of it all, her trying to change him and make him be what he isn’t - and at the same time, loving him for what he is.

It's all one big, unnecessary mess.

  
“I’m sorry, Ben. For calling you a monster.”

  
“Repeatedly,” he says, the corner of his lips hiding a tiny smile.

  
“We are bad when we’re together, but we are worse when we’re not together, so the Force will have to work its ass off to guide is through this.”

  
He chuckles, and she smiles, too, wiping an escaped tear.

He leans over to her and catches it on the tip of his finger.

  
“I can live with Kylo. He’s the name of your dark side. For I’ve seen mine, too. And I don’t have a name for it. Just like I don’t have a name to give it to our son,” she says, the sadness of that fact hitting her like a wave.

  
“Oh, yes you do,” Ben says. “The most beautiful name in the Galaxy. We just have to fit it somewhere.”

  
She smiles, thinking about her name, the one and only name she ever had. She never knew her last name, she never even needed it until now.

So, her _only_ name must do, for just like everything else about them is unique, this must be, too.

  
“I think he already has his own name. It’s just that we don’t know it yet.”

  
She reaches out to their son. It's a funny feeling to look into a mind that's only beginning to feel, that's so clean and unburdened.

  
And yet the Force is already there and it resonates with shadows of his predecessors lining behind him.

  
He’s a little pulsing heart and he’s old and new and unique at the same time, just like his name that still escapes her, elusive, its letters still perturbed.

  
Until they fall in their places and the Force whispers to her.

 

  
“Hanakin,” Rey says, in wonder.

  
“Hanakin,” Ben repeats. “Hanakin Rey.”

  
The baby yawns, lets go of her finger and falls immediately asleep, as if contented with his parents finally figuring out how to call him.

  
“Hanakin Rey Solo,” she says, looking firmly into Ben’s eyes.

  
“So be it.”

  
Rey stands up, careful not to wake Hanakin up, and Ben jumps out as well to wrap them both in a towel.

  
“I think he’s trying to tell us we’re boring him,” Rey says.

  
“Sweet dreams, little boy,” Ben says, kissing his head.

  
He carries them both again, this time to a fresh bed in another room.

  
It’s a regular bedroom, with a double bed and a breath-taking view over the hazy ocean.

  
Ben helps her dry her hair with a towel, finds clean clothes for them, a comfy Jedi robe for her and a pair of black pants and a shirt for him, and wraps Hanakin in a clean, soft towel.

 

“We need some clothes for all of us soon,” he says.  
  
  
Rey remains half-sitting, looking at him.

  
The way he moves cautiously so as not to wake up the baby, the way he holds their son and shields him with his large frame makes her heart swell with love for both of them.

  
Their Force signatures mix somehow, but if she focuses, the air around their son is still pulsing purple with occasional streaks of blue and red.

  
_The Force really wanted to be balanced,_ she thinks.

  
“He’s so tiny,” she says, not being able to stop looking at their own little miracle.

  
“He’ll be all right. The Force is strong with him,” Ben says.

  
“Why am I not surprised?” she laughs briefly.

  
_____________________

 

  
The knock at the door startles them both. They've managed to get lost in their private corner of paradise and forget about everyone else.

  
Ben goes over to open, still holding Hanakin in his arms.

  
Luke stands at the door, holding two bowls containing roasted fish and vegetables.

  
There’s a long moment of silence as he looks at Ben, trying to assess his reaction and then his wary eyes look around him straight at Rey.

  
“May I see him?” he asks, his eyes darting to Ben again.

  
Ben sucks his breath in through his teeth.

  
“Come in,” he says evenly and turns his son so that Luke can see him.

  
Luke places the bowls on the table and then turns to the baby. He doesn’t dare touch him, but leans over as close as he can.

  
“Look at that Force!” Luke says, amazed.

  
“He’s really something,” Ben replies, sounding pleased.

They both keep their eyes on the baby, avoiding the direct contact.

  
“What’s his name?”

  
“Hanakin,” Ben says. “Hanakin Rey.”

  
Luke’s eyes dart to Rey and his smile is both sad and knowing.

  
“Ben,“ Luke finally says. “I’m sorry. I…I feel as if you already know that Hanakin Rey restarts the Galaxy in his own way. You and me and Han are even now.”

  
Ben just nods.

  
“I think he’s here for a reason. To reminds us of the things that are bigger than us.”

  
Luke turns to leave, wiping his tears on his way out, while Ben gives Hanakin back to Rey and brings the food closer to her.

Rey is for once not interested in food, but looks back at him in awe.

  
“So, _Kylo_ , how does it feel to meet your _maker_?” she teases him and he chuckles, and then looks back at her seriously.

  
“None of us goes unscathed through life. We mark each other. And the power to forgive is essential.”

  
“You almost sound like a Jedi. _Almost_. I’m nevertheless proud of you for forgiving Luke,” she says.

  
“Well, the past is past. Mine is not much better than his,” he says thoughtfully.

  
Rey laughs again.

  
“Yours is worse than his, no point denying.”

  
“At this moment I am not interested in the past, but in the future we are going to build for our children.”

  
“ _Children_!” she says, smiling through tears. “As in more than one child? I can tell it wasn’t you who was in labor until five minutes ago.”

  
He kisses her lightly.

  
“May I remind you that I’m probably the only man in this Galaxy who _was_ in labor, too, for I was there with you, feeling it all. And I’ll gladly do it again,” he says, his lustrous eyes on their little wonder.

Rey can almost feel how this balance they are in now, this equipoise they managed to achieve against all odds, spreads through the Galaxy and permeates the Force that glows through the darkness and shadows the light.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and especially for wonderful comments that made me write this chapter in no time - for cliffhangers are so unfair and I owe you all a clarification ;)
> 
>  
> 
> This is next to last chapter and our story is almost over.
> 
> I will post the epilogue of the story next week and although it might turn out to be shorter than regular chapters, the notes will be much longer and will contain all those things I wanted to talk about, but couldn't so as not to spoil the story and everyone's individual impression of it.
> 
> Some of you might find the reylo baby name odd, but I had the name even before I wrote the baby into the story, so it was sort of always there and it was difficult not to use it.  
> I love the combo of my two fav SW characters plus adding Rey's only name to her son's first name was sort of mandatory IMO.
> 
> This is a fairy-tale and everything is possible, including coming back from the dead when kissed by a prince.  
> But it was suggested in ROTJ that the Jedi could return to the physical form after being Force ghosts and I liked the idea, it's definitely worth exploring. 
> 
> As usual, please let me know what you think ! :)
> 
> Equipoise is unbetaed and all the mistakes and typos are exclusively mine.


	22. A love supreme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She can see him in her mind's eye: focused movements, way too precise to even fake drowsiness.
> 
> Ben does things with an agenda of his own and he usually gets what he desires.
> 
>  
> 
> He is a morning type, waking her up with his impatient fingers at the crack of dawn, taking whatever he wants, as if she would deny him anything, not now, not ever.
> 
>  
> 
> She plays that game willingly, but first she makes him earn the victory.
> 
>  
> 
> “Are you resisting me?” he whispers in her ear.
> 
>  
> 
> “I’m trying,” she sighs, shifting a bit forward to accentuate her words and landing into his palm.
> 
>  
> 
> “You’re doing a poor job,” he muses, overwhelmed by the wet welcome.
> 
>  
> 
> “Story of my life when it comes to you,” she murmurs, not opening her eyes, her arm already twisted backwards around his neck, her breasts tilted upwards, so her maneuver makes him abandon whatever he's doing down there, for she knows he can’t resist that offer, until he snakes his other hand underneath her side and takes it from there, and dips inside her wet folds again which makes her squirm and moan and tilt her hips back against him.

 

Rey stirs in her sleep as Ben’s lips glide down the side of her neck, and then she stiffens and pretends not to notice what he’s doing, as if that ever helped.

  
In these few months of pure bliss he learned that the best way to get her going is to press his long body against her back, while his hot lips devour the sensitive skin on her neck, and his fingers slide down, past her navel until they disappear between her legs.

  
There are no layers of clothes between them, for nobody bothers with that anymore.

 

They could both do with more hours of sleep, but then again, sleep’s overrated for they’ve already lost so much time by being apart.

Besides, his intense lips could never take NO for an answer.

  
The skin of her throat, the hollow of her collar bone, all soft and tingling, are marked by his lips.

Her eyes are firmly closed, the expression of deep concentration on her face, for in this game they’re playing the objective is to hold out as long as possible, before she bucks back against him, before she gives in.

  
She can see him in her mind's eye: focused movements, way too precise to even fake drowsiness.

Ben does things with an agenda of his own and he usually gets what he desires.

  
He is a morning type, waking her up with his impatient fingers at the crack of dawn, taking whatever he wants, as if she would deny him anything, not now, not ever.

  
She plays that game willingly, but first she makes him earn his victory.

  
“Are you resisting me?” he whispers in her ear.

  
“I’m trying,” she sighs, shifting a bit forward to accentuate her words and landing into his palm.

  
“You’re doing a poor job,” he muses, overwhelmed by her wet welcome.

  
“Story of my life when it comes to you,” she murmurs, not opening her eyes, her arm already twisted backwards around his neck, her breasts tilted upwards, so her maneuver makes him abandon whatever he's doing down there, for she knows he can’t resist that offer, until he snakes his other hand underneath her side and takes it from there, and dips inside her wet folds again which makes her squirm and moan and tilt her hips back against him.

  
Her fingers travel over the exposed nape of his neck, for his hair is all short now while hers is longer, and covers her shoulder blades.

  
“I’m still sleeping,” she says, trying to sound irritated, but her traitor hips are nested against his and her thighs are betraying her by opening up to him.

He slides into her with practiced ease and she just sighs.

He’s so impossibly still, it annoys her so she rocks her hips against him and tries to make him move.

  
He does a good job of making it slow and soft and undeniable.

  
“Patience is a virtue, Jedi,” he says ruggedly, breathing in her ear, his warm fingers playfully traveling over her inner thighs, making her even more impatient.

Their son is still asleep in his own tiny bed next to theirs, so they’re reasonably quiet, until things get out of hand, until the world explodes around them.

  
This is his revenge for the last night. Or that night was her revenge for the previous morning - she’s lost the track and in the end it’s irrelevant.

  
She didn’t even know she was nocturnal until she could afford to sleep in and decide her own bed time.

She likes those intertwined shadows in the garden and the peace of Chandrilan nights.

  
Ben goes out like a candle in the evening, about the same time as Hanakin, but is very much alert early in the morning.

  
She loves to watch him breathe, his face peaceful and open, at first somehow always trying not to disturb his sleep, until she can no longer bear not to touch him, until her hands wander over that long body, feeling him stir underneath her fingers, until his desire resonates in hers, until she slides underneath the cover to taste him and he removes that cover and keeps looking at her so utterly and completely lost in her caresses, so completely hers.

  
“Mine,” she says mischievously, marking him with her hot kisses.

  
“Possession leads to the dark side,” he murmurs, his fingers buried in her long locks.

  
“Still mine,” she says.

  
Until she climbs him, her fingers all that time meandering over the landscape of that gorgeous body, until he, awake and alert, decides he wants it all at the same time, and flips her over on her back to finish her off the way only he can, with a few well aimed thrusts because by now he knows where to apply pressure and how.

  
Waking up every morning in his arms feels like a luxury.

  
She wonders if it’s always going to be like this, but then she realizes that it doesn’t matter.

  
This is here and now, and Rey and Ben are taking from each other and giving to each other everything they can - for except those few tentative blissful days, they had nothing, just long periods of fighting and even longer months of separation.

  
And _death._

  
Rey shudders when she remembers how close she was to perishing.

And that’s why this is even sweeter.

  
“I'm going to be a stay-at-home dad,” Ben proclaims one morning when they are debating what would be the best way to manage their time with their son, now that Rey wants to help Luke with the Jedi Academy.

  
Rey laughs so much at that idea.

  
“You can’t be a stay-at-home Supreme Leader!"

  
“Yes, I can. If you stretch the term to apply to the whole planet.”

  
For Chandrila is home at this moment.

  
They settled in his family house.

  
Leia’s house.

  
Now _their_ house with _their_ garden.

  
Staying on Ahch-to was never a real option, not after Ben, holding Hanakin, who was only a day old at the time, looked from the door of the temple over the rugged landscape of the island with those spectacularly steep stairways and just shuddered.

  
Also because if you want to heal, you have to start from the beginning, he said.

  
His over-protectiveness over their son didn’t lessen in the months to come.

  
So much that their house-keeping droid was mostly turned off and there were no sharp object left in the house.

  
Rey tolerates this and soothes his worries by reminding him to breathe whenever he starts fretting.

  
She should’ve known he’d be like this. He does everything thoroughly, predicting all the possible outcomes, and parenting is just one of those things.

  
She, on the other hand, enjoys motherhood, and this little happy bubble they've created.

She doesn’t doubt her instincts, not anymore. She goes about being a mother surprisingly unburdened by her past and the lack of parental role model, mostly with an air of balanced cheerfulness.

 

The new Jedi Academy acquired its first students, a few Force-sensitive orphans from Canto Bight.

Rey and Luke already took a few trips to search for more, and Chewie volunteered to help them, for good old time’s sake,  and also just to have them again on The Millennium Falcon, Rey suspects.

  
As things are now, Luke thrives as a Jedi master, and he got unexpected help from Lowbacca, who moved to Ahch-to to help him run the Academy.

  
Rey intends to start canvassing the Galaxy for more Force-sensitive children some time in the future.

But not until she can take Hanakin with her because being away from him hurts physically.

She anticipates Ben’s resistance to that idea and has a feeling he wouldn’t want to be left behind in that case, either.

  
Leia cried a river when she heard how they named their son.

For her late husband, who would never meet him, for her father, whom she never really got to know, for herself and Ben, and Rey just held her tight, for no words were needed, no words could’ve comforted her, but Hanakin’s small hands in hers did the trick and sobs turned into smiles.

  
And in the end, she wasn’t really sure all those tears were tears of sadness, for some of them were simply relief.

  
Leia held it all in for so long, it was bound to get out one way or another.

Ben was twitching nervously all that time, until he sat down next to her, hugging her with one long arm, holding Hanakin between them.

 

Hanakin is a surprisingly contented child.

The Force feels like an ever-present third parent.

  
He is growing right in front of their eyes.

  
“He has your appetite!” Ben says.

  
“That's about the only thing he inherited from me!” says Rey looking critically at his limbs getting longer every day, so obviously Ben’s, his full head of dark hair, also Ben’s, his eyes and lips and everything down to the shape of his fingers, everything Ben’s.

  
“He’s all yours on the inside” Ben says and she knows he’s right.

  
Hanakin Rey is a genuine ray of sunshine, and communicates with smiles.

One morning, barely six months old, Hanakin summons his legacy saber to his tiny hand and puts the hilt in his mouth to scratch his gums.

  
Ben and Rey exchange astonished looks.

  
“I guess that settles the dispute who that saber really belongs to” Ben says, looking at their son who just goes on cooing and gurgling happily.

 

  
Ben sometimes takes Hanakin with him to work, which makes the Assembly session even more of a private Skywalkers’ affair than it already is.

But this galaxy has for quite some time now been their own private playground, so this is in essence no different, just more life-confirming.

  
Hanakin is cheerfully cooing throughout the Assembly session and he either sits on Ben’s lap, or bounces in Leia’s arms.

  
The line of the delegates who would like to hold him, play with him, or entertain him, is long, but the Supreme Leader doesn’t trust many around his son.

  
And there are no droids in the vicinity of his son, he’s specific about it.

Supremacy is put in good use and is floating over Hana city as the port for the bigger ships, for the ground docking station in the end turned out not to be big enough.

  
The knights of Ren are still serving as Ben’s personal guard in the Assembly.

Not everyone stayed.

Annanda left the order to join General Hux in the Unknown regions.

  
There are no alarming news from that part of the Galaxy at this moment, but one never knows.

Ben is overall much more groomed and rested and soft around the edges and seems to enjoy sporting short hair.

  
“There will be no more man buns!” he proclaims, running his fingers through his hair.

  
“I think you should grow it back, for I need to hold on to something when…khm,” Rey just wiggles her eyebrows devilishly and his eyes widen.

  
“Okay,” he says breathlessly and then they both laugh.

  
She plants roses in the garden on the place where Lerric died.

  
Roses, yellow like his smile, and blood-red peonies, too.

  
She wishes she had the time to get to know him better.

  
She needs to invest more time in people around her if she wants to make more friends.

  
She invites Brice over and they talk a lot while playing with Hanakin.

  
Like lots of First order women Brice has a thing for Poe and Rey considers warning her, but then decides against it, for every burn in life counts as experience.

  
Brice looks fondly at Ben playing with Hanakin, but when Ben catches her staring, she hides her eyes and blushes, and Rey doesn’t even have to peer into her unguarded mind to know that Brice also wants it: a family, a garden and a man who would love her.

  
And Rey smiles thinking how for once she and Ben set a good example to someone.

  
Rey ventures into cooking and with a few initial disasters it goes more or less smoothly.

Alberio teaches her a few basic things, but still opts to come over with food he himself made.

Rey attributes the frequency of his visits to his infatuation with Hanakin.

  
It turns out that whatever basic meal she can prepare, Ben can do it better and more naturally and she both likes that and is annoyed by it.

  
“I’ll start cooking more often when we get married,” he says at dinner, focused on holding the spoon right in front of Hanakin’s mouth and feed their greedy child without spilling.

  
“You really suck at proposing,” she says, frozen in the middle of the movement, her large eyes on him.

  
“But I’m getting better at it!” he says, smiling, still focused on feeding Hanakin.

  
“Practice makes the master,” she says offhandedly.

  
That gets his attention.

  
“Hey, you’re not going to make me propose again? You already said yes!”

  
“I can’t remember. It must have been in one of my past lives,” she says, with a self-satisfied smile.

  
Finn comes for a visit and introduces his girlfriend Rose.

Rey is a bit sad because they inevitably lost contact through this whole ordeal and she hopes to see more of him in the future.

  
Ben is a bit stiff, but does his best to welcome them and even maintains a semi-normal conversation over dinner.

  
Finn and Rose are working together now on reorganizing the fleet and overall, they seem to be in seventh heaven.

  
Rey holds Hanakin in her arms and when the baby yawns a few times, Ben takes him up, and  excuses himself to go and give him a bath and put him to bed.

  
“You domesticated Kylo Ren!” Finn exclaims, when Ben leaves the room, and then laughs at his own words.

  
“And he was such a cool guy once upon a time. Although he tried to kill me,” he says to Rose, with an air of a man who has stories to tell.

  
“Finn, if he wanted you dead, you would’ve been dead,” Rey says casually and Finn just laughs, but doesn’t deny it.

  
Poe comes more often than not, under the pretenses of briefing his Supreme Leader.

  
But Rey suspects him to have another agenda for he’s so focused on Hanakin and enjoys Alberio’s food, too.

  
“You’re here again, general Dameron?” Ben says coming home one evening from a late afternoon session in the Assembly, when he finds Poe in the kitchen bouncing Hanakin off his knee.

  
He quickly moves over to Rey, who’s arranging Alberio’s food on the plates, to give her a kiss.

  
“I’m here for the briefing, my Leader,” Poe says, his eyes all the time on the child. “Also the food.”

  
“Visiting my woman in my absence doesn’t count as briefing,” Ben growls and Rey tries not to burst out laughing for they also banter like this more often than not.

  
“Put the ring on it, Kylo,” Poe says cheekily. ”She’s technically still on the market.”

  
“Haven’t been in a long time” Rey murmurs for herself, but doesn’t want to spoil their fun.

  
She suspects that Poe is the closest thing to a friend Ben has ever had and that sort of makes her heart tighten a bit.

  
Poe is also the only one Ben talked to about their wedding.

  
It’s not exactly a secret, but Rey would much rather avoid the fuss about it.

She agreed to everything in advance just so she doesn’t have to participate in arranging it.

And she is willing to let Ben have his secrets.

  
“So, do we have a date yet?” Poe asks and they both groan. “You need to tell me in advance if I’m going to be your best man, Kylo.”

  
“Who asked you?”

  
”Nobody, I’m appointing myself,” Poe muses, unfazed. “You two wouldn’t have even been together if I hadn’t crashed on Jakku and the rest is history.”

  
“We’ll never get rid of him.” Ben murmurs in Rey’s hair, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind.

  
“We’ll kick him out after dinner,” she says.

  
“He keeps coming back because you’re feeding him!”

  
But Poe and Ben do manage to brief each other over dinner and discuss some serious galactic matters between two delicious bites.

  
“So, what about you?” Ben goes back to their banter once the serious talk is over. “There are stories, you know.”

  
“I know,” Poe says and winks at Rey. “All of them true.”

 

 

  
With their wedding just around the corner, it’s impossible to avoid the fuss, however Rey tries. The garden is overrun with people a few days before, and everything has to pass Leia's inspection.

Brice is not much better and is high just thinking about the wedding, so Rey allows herself to be at least a little bit excited about this whole thing, too.

On the morning of it the commotion in the garden is too obvious and she opens her eyes, sighs and sits up.

  
“Get up, lazy, we’re getting married today,” Ben says, sitting on the edge of the bed, already dressed in a deep blue shirt with tiny silver threads embroidered around the collar and dark pants.

  
He holds Hanakin, and balances Algernon on his shoulder and immediately leans in for a kiss.

He gives her a quick peck on her lips, and then he pulls away, but the gravity between them overwhelms them and he kisses her again, her lips parting underneath his.

He pulls away again, just a tiny bit, and then she wraps her arms around his neck, leaning in to deepen their kiss, making sure not to squeeze Hanakin between them.

  
“Don’t kiss me if you don’t mean it,” she says, sighing.

  
“I always mean it,” he says ruggedly, shifting Hanakin in his arms.

  
She looks at him fondly, balancing a child and a pet and there’s still enough of him to overwhelm her as well.

  
Rey claims she’s marrying him only to shut him up and avoid further inept marriage proposals, but he calls her on it.

  
“You’re already married to me in all the things that matter, so this is just the show for the crowd.”

  
But Ben doesn’t to well with crowds and there in the garden are only a dozen of people they both want as witnesses of their bliss.

  
One of his conditions was that he would get her a dress and she gladly agreed to that.

Partly because she really has no fashion sense to speak of, so she trusts him on this more than herself.

Partly because the tradition prohibits the groom from seeing the bride in her wedding dress before the wedding and here they are with their own twist for the bridegroom is providing the dress and the bride is the one who doesn’t get to see it before the wedding.

  
She realizes she should’ve guessed why procuring the dress was his condition when he produces the white gown she once threw into the trash chute, the very one she wore that night Hanakin was conceived.

  
“I salvaged it,” he says, looking all smug. “You hang out with a scavenger, you pick up a few habits.”

  
She is overwhelmed by emotions and she thinks she might cry a bit.

It's her wedding after all, so she's allowed to.

She takes it on and then looks worriedly at her own reflection, and he frowns.

  
“I had it cleansed.”

  
“It’s not that, silly. No folds for Algernon. He’s also a part of our little family and I want him with us out there.”

  
But then she produces the old shawl from Supremacy, another garment with history, for she took it with her to Chandrila and Ben gave it to her during their last Force bond on Ahch-to, and wraps it around her waist and tucks Algernon in it.

  
“There, settled,” she says and starts dressing Hanakin up, in a blue shirt and pants embroidered with silver, to match Ben’s attire.

  
Ben extends his arms to him.

  
“You come out. We’ll be waiting for you in the garden.”

  
_This is it_ , she thinks, steadying herself before she goes out into the garden where there’s already music and laughter and people she cares about.

  
_This is just one step on our journey, sweet and lovely, but in essence not more important than those we’ve already taken._

  
She goes out and she’s all smiles and love and light.

  
Brice is her only bridesmaid and gives her a hug before Chewie leads her down the improvised flowery aisle and gives her away to Ben, raising his fury finger to point at him and warn him he’d be watching him.

  
Ben nods, his eyes watery, his throat so tight he can’t say a word.

  
Maz Kanata is the one performing the ceremony, flanked by Leia and Senator Lylin dressed in long white dresses, like ancient priestesses.

  
Poe is dashing in his uniform acting like Ben’s best man.

  
Fin and Rose are holding each other’s hands, and Rey winks at them, wondering if they are about to get inspired.

  
Her Jedi master Grwhhhr and Lowie are standing close to the bushes, joined by Luke, still not fully comfortable around the Supreme Leader, but all of them smiling at Rey.

  
“So, Supreme Leader,” Maz says pointedly. “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

  
“I already did,” he says, tightening his grip around Hanakin, a rare smile brightening his face.

  
Maz rolls her goggled eyes at him.

  
“Rey, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

  
She looks at his eyes, warm and calm, just like the Force in him.

“With all my heart.”

  
They kiss over Hanakins head and then the garden erupts with cheers and congratulations.

  
Maz is after Chewie as soon as the official part of the wedding is over.

  
“It’s time you made an honest woman out of me. What do you say, boyfriend?”

  
He gives a shriek and runs to hide in the bush.

Lens Ro-Kiintor dwells at the edge of the garden and Rey goes to him and extends her arms to hug him, but he gives her a confused look and just bows to her.

  
“Congratulations, Lady Rey,” he says.

He looks rugged, older, his boyish charm turned into something scarred and heavier.

“I wanted to congratulate you in person. You saved my life, after all.”

  
He glances uneasily at Ben who hovers in the background, holding Hanakin, but doesn’t interfere.

  
He’s a delegate in the new Assembly now and his daily meetings with Ben can’t be pleasant for him.

  
“You two are still not on speaking terms?” she asks.

  
“We are on nodding terms. Your husband killed my father,” the young man says with an air of dignity.

  
“He killed his own, too. You shouldn’t feel so special.”

  
Rey locks her arm around his elbow and pulls him towards the table overloaded with delicacies.

Ben rolls his eyes and shakes his head but focuses his attention on Hanakin who’s busy trying to catch a feather stuck in the bush.

  
Lens looks at her, his eyes wide.

  
“You two really deserve each other!”

  
“I know, “ she chuckles, getting ready to attack the food.

Brice nudges her from the other side and gives her a sign with her eyes, so Rey introduces Lens to her and leaves them alone to talk.

  
Ben’s arms find her again, and they move over to cut the cake, one of Alberio’s masterpieces.

  
Alberios taps on his glass to silence everyone and gives a short speech about the power of love.

  
“Till death do you part!” he says, raising his glass.

  
Rey props on her toes to kiss Ben and then whispers in his ear.

  
“That won't do,  for I already died and you brought me back to life.“

The music, inviting them to dance, breaks their kiss and Rey finally dances with her dark prince, even though she still sucks at it.

In the end it doesn’t really matter, for his arms are wrapped around her waist and he’s carrying her through the air and she know he will never let her go.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t thank you all enough for sticking around through this journey with me. :) Your kudos and comments got me here, to the last chapter.
> 
> Our lovebirds went through a lot in this story, but mostly through personal development in order to accept themselves and one another, as they are, with merits and flaws equally.  
> Rey wanted Ben to be only Ben, but in the end had to come to terms with him always being Kylo, too. In that process she hopefully learned a lot about herself, her own streak of darkness, how to accept it and how to control it.  
> Ben wanted her the way she was from the very beginning, but was throughout this story mostly yearning for her to really see him and accept him. With lots of detours on that road, I hope that his path makes sense, too.
> 
> The saga of the Skywalkers is filled with failed parents, - they’re either entirely absent, or they're fathers that didn’t know their children existed (hello Lord Vader), or mothers who die in childbirth etc and I wanted all that to be the past that’s symbolically dying here.  
> Rey “dies” but is reborn because the Force and Ben’s love won’t let her go. The Force wants her present in her son’s life, for the Force learns just like us ;)  
> Ben gets his redemption and it’s his own act. It’s about kindness and compassion and love and then, well, he might still get to Force-choke someone here and there, but his wifey would just put her tiny hand on his giant bicep and say “temper dear”  
> She loves the beast in him, too, she just didn’t know it.  
> I wanted her to address him as Kylo in that crucial moment, when she thought she was going to die and wanted to make sure he would take care of their son. I wanted her to acknowledge Kylo part in him, too.
> 
> It makes total sense to me that he would want to be there for his son the way his parents never were for him and Rey sort of doesn’t go about motherhood that way because parenting is a lot about instincts and hers are entirely natural.
> 
> I also wanted Rey to talk about her life and choices with the only two women that could even attempt to fill the void left by her absent mother. Leia has a double function here, as a mirror and as an active participant, someone who would change the status into a grandmother. Maz is that old lady you get good advices from.
> 
> Rey’s doubts about the motherhood are also my idea of bad karma, because sure everyone has doubts but she early on accuses Ben of not knowing what love really was, for he wasn’t on the receiving end of it. She is all of a sudden aware she's the one who wasn’t on the receiving end of her parents' love.  
> Quite the opposite. He was the one who had loving parents however that might have turned out.  
> This is a fairy tale and fairy tales are stories where the prince brings the girl he loves back from the dead with a kiss.  
> I wanted Rey not dead enough so as not to kiss Ben back. I know I wouldn’t have stayed dead either in that case ;.))  
> Making Ben feel Rey’s pain is what I wanted to do from the beginning as a tiny “revenge” in the name of all women.  
> This is foreshadowed in chapter 4 where she could share his body and vice versa.
> 
> “What’s in a name?” Shakespeare would say.  
> Skywalkers are birds so even Algernon is there for a reason (you know, a lizard with dragonish wings is also a kind of bird) so just like SW, I kept all those avian symbols scattered around. From Rey recoiling from the shadows, stating that they’re not her flock, to Hanakin chasing a feather in the bushes, things like that are amusing to write.  
> Also birds are in essence those who walk the sky, the original "Skywalkers"
> 
> Ben killing Senator Ro-Kiintor because he harmed his mother is a nod to Anakin, for he would totally do the same.  
>    
> Ben is in essence a true Skywalker, sKYwalker soLO wREN, to go on with the avian theme, but Rey has really always been a Solo in the same sense Han was.  
> And Hanakin, well I have high hopes for that boy for with his lineage he would be everything and more :)
> 
> And last but not least. I will not be around on ao3 for a while, for I want to focus on my original WIP. If anyone by any chance wants to read sample chapters of my WIP, I’d be more than grateful.  
> Find me either on tumblr or cathspacecath@gmail.com
> 
> I’m writing urban fantasy - a crossover between Norse mythology and Star Wars.  
> If you like this, you might as well like that story for it’s action packed, and there’s a boy with a sword and a girl who needs to go beyond this world in order to save it.  
> My favorite god of mischief, Loki, is also there ;)  
> I’m considering posting something here, even though ao3 is not original works friendly.  
> Any thoughts on that?

**Author's Note:**

> I chose the title in attempt to encompass several aspects of their relationship.  
> Equipoise, as a state of equilibrium, counterbalance, might mean that neither of them must prevail in this complicated galactic dance; it's about maintaining the balance between playing safe and taking the necessary risks; it's about the balance of forces and interests. It's about Rey and Ben trying to find their own way.


End file.
